Remember that virus I mentioned in the last post? Well, it wasn’t really a virus. It was more like a nervous breakdown.
What? They’re pretty much the same, right? No? Fine.
I started cracking Thursday night. By Friday mid-morning I was crying. And crying. And crying. And then not crying. And then crying again. That lasted all through the weekend, into today. This morning I went to work for a few hours, and left at noon. I’m out of sick days (mountains of stress will do that to you), so I just took the hours without pay. OH WELL.
I would take tomorrow off, but . . . wait for it . . . I have jury duty. And I’ve postponed it twice, so I can’t postpone it again. (The first time they called me I was moving, and the second time my Grandpa was dying.) I wonder if random crying jags will get me excused? Hell, it’s not even like they’ll be fake!
So this afternoon I had some counseling, and took a nap. Part of the problem I think, is that I’ve got all this stressful stuff going on, and yet I’ve chosen this time to decide to get my eating-disordered act together: I’ve basically ripped my (maladaptive) coping mechanism out from under my own feet. And bruised my tailbone on the landing. Ouch.
Today I focused on the most recent stress: my grandma dying, and missing her funeral. I realized that part of the reason I’m so upset, far more so than I expected to be, is because she was really my only ally on that side of the family. With the execption of a few cousins, she was the only one who was actually nice to me. She was the one who LIKED me, and I liked her, too. And with her death, it’s like I’ve lost a whole family instead of just one member. In some ways that’s good: I can’t say that I’m sorry not to have to attend another dysfunctional family gathering, but at the same time, it’s having more of an impact than I thought it really would. So that sucks, and I’m dealing with it.
In other news, tomorrow’s Beck assignment is to find a Diet Coach. Since I have my Motivational Matchup (hi, Beth! and thanks, MizFit and PriorFatGirl!), I’m pretty set there. So I don’t have to add an extra project on tomorrow as far as Beck is concerned. I can just keep plugging away at eating slowly and giving myself credit for things. (Also at reading the cards, but that’s the easiest thing for me.)
All of which means I can bury myself in a novel at jury duty tomorrow. (Or take the computer. Do they have internet there? I have no idea.)
Take Up Your Bed and Walk 
and count me among your partners as well, Marste.
email me if I can lend a hand!
Bring a book, just in case. The one time I actually had to go in, they sent me home after half an hour (scientists not popular for juries?), but I wouldn’t risk having nothing to read, just in case.
I hope you feel better soon, please take care of yourself. With all the crazy things about what is/isn’t good for you, shortens/lengthens life, two things that are not controversial are stress and smoking. All kinds of bad. When I need to clear my head, I go for a long (3+ hours) in the woods. I think it’s more the nature than exercise, but probably both help.
I’m not much of one for diet books or diets, but from what I’ve heard about Beck, that’s one of the few books with something useful to say. You can email me if you want to commiserate about how life sucks or anything, I’m having a hard time wanting to bother with anything, just losing my flab.
Remember when the lawyers start asking you questions, you can always say that it does not appear as though this is a jury of their peers. They will kick you off really quickly. But then you have to remember that turn about is fair play.
I think a novel in jury duty sounds in order.
Thanks, Miz. I will, for sure. 🙂
Julie, I know, the stress is killng me. I figure if I’m crying in my SLEEP (seriously, I woke up at 2 in the morning the other day and had to swap out my pillow because it was wet from tears), the stress is out of control. And I’m liking the Beck book, I have to say: it’s really a book on how to think rather than a book on how to lose weight, if that makes sense.
POD, I seriously laughed out loud at that. Holy crap. I IMAGINE I’d get kicked off pretty damn quick!
Emily, I took a crime novel. By Michael Connelly, who sets all his police novels in Los Angeles. The appropriateness of it made me giggle. 😀