About me

I am a 30-something woman living in Los Angeles, generally enjoying life, and climbing the proverbial corporate ladder in a Major Movie Studio (aka MMS).

For a long time this page’s description put my own journey in terms of how hard it was to live in LA (where it seems like everyone looks perfect) and how hard it was to recover from disordered eating, and how hard things were in general. 

But you know what?  I’m tired of coming at life from a victim’s perspective.  I’m tired of throwing the back of my hand against my forehead and sighing, “Some day I’ll be better, but right now it’s so HARD!”

So.  This is really just my journal of change.  It is a meandering path to self-acceptance and loving myself the way that I am (whatever that way may be), learning to let go of old coping mechanisms and to move beyond them.  It is my place for ranting, changing my mind, learning new things, releasing old things and changing my mind again.  Above all, this is my journal for self-examination, particularly as it relates to food, addictions (not necessarily just to food) and my body.

You will find a lot of Fat Acceptance blogs in the blogroll.  You will also find a category titled “Relatively Sane Fitness and Nutrition Sites.”  I’m not crazy about the idea of dieting for dieting’s sake, but I am crazy about the idea of Health At Every Size (HAES) (which sometimes leads to weight loss, but weight loss isn’t the primary goal).  (I’m also trying to examine the cultural brainwashing I experience when practicing HAES leads to weight loss, and I get excited because I’m LOSING WEIGHT.)  The Fat Acceptance sites are pretty much anti-dieting, and the Fitness sites, well, aren’t.  But these are the Fitness sites that don’t make me want to run right out and live on 400 calories a day so that I can LOSE WEIGHT.  These are the ones that make me feel like I should take care of myself, get some exercise, eat healthy foods, etc.  (Then, if I don’t lose weight, I go back to the FA sites and remember that losing weight is not the POINT.  Being healthy is the damn point.)

I also read a lot of stuff promoting Intuitive Eating, but I’m not sure I’m totally on board with that for myself.  I read a great comment by Attrice a while back (I can’t remember what blog she was commenting on; that link will take you to her blog, though) that said something like, “If my inner dieter is an unbending killjoy who makes me hate my life, then my inner Intuitive Eater is a 7-year-old with no regard for the future or consequences.”  And to that I say, “AMEN.”  There has to be a middle ground.  (Although some people have great luck with IE, so if that’s you, more power to you!)

So, I guess . . .  this blog is me, looking for that middle ground, trying to figure out . . . well, all of it.