Oh, yes. Yes, I REALLY DID JUST SAY THAT.
I had jury duty today, and I only cried in the bathroom twice. (Ok, 3 times if you count the morning, but that wasn’t even enough to turn my face red, so I don’t count it.) I took a book, which I did not read. I sat in the chair, with my hands folded, staring vacantly at the feet of the man across from me. (He had brown shoes. With a blue suit and black socks. The mind, it reels.) And this is going to sound weird, but it was NICE. I needed some time to just sit without thinking, without feeling like I had to get something done, without feeling like I should be otherwise (productively) occupied. I actually feel better tonight than I did this morning, as though the :TILT: sign on my head has been reset – at least a little bit.
They booted me off the jury, though. It was a criminal trial, and it turns out the defense attorneys don’t look kindly on folks who have family and friends in law enforcement. Who knew? (/sarcasm) I have to report back next week, which kind of sucks, because that’s the week of Thanksgiving. Then again, I’ll still have family and friends in law enforcement, so I might just get booted again. *shrug* I don’t really care either way: criminal trials are kind of interesting, plus I get an extra $40 a day. So, what the hell.
In Beck news, I have not looked at my Advantage cards for about two days, and I can tell. It suddenly seems like less of a big deal to eat WW ice cream sundae(s) or those single-serving Doritos (that I still eat more than one serving of). So tonight I’ll look at them all again before bed, and set the alarm on my cell phone to remind me to look at them tomorrow.
Tomorrow’s assignment is to make environmental changes that will support my efforts to lose weight. In a way, I’ve already been doing that. I have chips, but I also have a food scale, and I portion out my chips into 1-oz servings in little baggies, which helps remind me of how much I’m eating and keep me from bingeing (most of the time). I also have a few WW single-serving ice creams in the freezer, but again, it’s better than keeping an undivided container in there: I just eat whatever’s there if the containers are open. And those are fairly recent changes, so I’ve already started this assignment.
The big temptation for me is afternoon coffee at Starbucks. Around 2:30 or 3:00 I find myself really wanting some sugar, and if I can have it with caffeine, so much the better! 😉 Most days I don’t succumb, but some days I eat a lot of other stuff in order to keep from having the coffee. So I think I might allow myself some sort of “treat” at work once a week: the breadstick with my salad at lunch, for instance, or a small sugary coffee drink in the afternoon, or a single-serving bag of Doritos. That way, if I know it’s coming, I can wait for it. At the moment, nights are hardest for me, so I’ll probably work in a few treats during the evenings, as well, on the logic that if I know I get say, a single-serving of ice cream every other day, then the days I DON’T get it won’t seem so hard. I won’t have as long to wait, so I won’t feel deprived, and that feeling of deprivation won’t, in turn, trigger a binge.
Overall, it’s more crap than I’d LIKE to be eating, but I can dial down from every other day to 3 times a week, to 2 times a week, to once a week. That will be about where I want to be, and if I get there gradually, it will be a learned behavior instead of an iron-fisted grip of CONTROLCONTROLCONTROL. Mostly I’m trying to convince myself that a gradual dial-back is NOT the same as half-assing it. I get an A+ in “all or nothing,” and this middle ground is disconcerting. I keep feeling like if I can do HALFway, then I should do ALL the way. I know it’s not like that, and I know further that’s the attitude that gets me in trouble in my head, but there it is. So I’m dialing back certain behaviors – and it’s not the same as half-assing it.