So Much to Say, So Little . . . er . . . Space?

Ok, I might be back to posting daily over the next few days here because there has been a LOT percolating in my brain, but I’m starting with this:

Who do you want to be?

I’m a big believer that as a general rule, we become what we identify ourselves as – not the other way around.  Now, that’s not always the case – if you’re gay, I think you were born that way, and the identification came later.  But if you identify as cynical, you become MORE cynical.  If you identify as an optimist, you become MORE optimistic.  If you identify as lucky you become luckier.  You get what you expect – what you attract, even.

At least, I’ve noticed that *I* work that way.  (And hey, if *I* do, doesn’t everyone?  Isn’t everyone in the world exactly like me?  No?  Well, let’s pretend for this post, ok?  ;D)

I’ve reformatted the blogrolls over on the side.   The Eating Disorders feed is gone, as is the Fatosphere feed.  The blogs I read from those feeds have been added to the general blogroll, and I won’t miss the others.  I don’t want to ID as “Eating Disordered” or “Fat and Staying That Way, so Fuck Off” anymore.  I want to be done with that, and hanging on to those labels doesn’t do me any good. 

I hereby declare myself Recovered and Healthy (at whatever weight my body settles at WHEN I TREAT IT WELL).

Now, I KNOW that there is work ahead of me.  I know I will want to binge and starve and exercise like crazy and rationalize that “IT’S ALL OK, BECAUSE I’M FAT!”  I KNOW.  But see, I can work through all of that, but I CAN’T WORK THROUGH IT IF I’M STILL LETTING IT DEFINE WHO I AM. 

I once heard someone say that recovery from ANY addiction should be like a boat that gets you from one shore (addiction) to the other (healthy/recovered).  But a lot of people are comfortable in the boat, so they never get out on the opposite shore.  They drift forever in that boat called “RecoverING,” without ever getting out on the “RecoverED” shore, because Recovering is familiar and safe. 

I don’t want to drift in that boat forever.  I flat-out refuse to accept that sentence.  And it IS a sentence, just like a prison sentence.  I want to be RecoverED.  I want to eat normally, neither starving nor bingeing nor counting every damn thing that goes into my mouth.  I don’t want to have to explain to every person who gets close to me WHY my eating habits are odd.  I don’t want those habits to be odd AT ALL.

Does that make sense? 

So I got rid of the things – the LABELS – that I’ve been hiding behind.  I booted some stuff, I re-named some stuff.  I’ve got a special category for those who are special to me in some way.  It’s a better reflection of who I am now, good, bad and indifferent.  The labels are mine, not someone else’s that I’m trying to identify with.

It’s a scary thing, out here in the dark without a flashlight.  But I think the monsters are all in my head.

One way or another.


5 responses to “So Much to Say, So Little . . . er . . . Space?

  1. Wow! Can we get some rousing orchestal music in the background? This is a total call to arms, for me as well as you. This hit home in so many ways. It’s what I want, too. I use the word “Recovering” to hide behind, to give myself an excuse to skips meals or overexercise when I’m having a bad day. To stay in the boat.

    Yet the people we are are bigger and better than all of these tags – so much greater than the sum of those parts, just sitting there waiting for us all to realise our own potential. I swear if we took all the energy we spend agonising over all this and turned it outwards, poured it into our goals, we would achieve so much. We WILL achieve so much.


    TA x

  2. Standing up with a giant applause!!

    Last year, I finally chose to completely eliminate Pat Benatar’s “hell is for children” from my music files. I know it; I don’t need to be reminded about it. And I don’t need to be kicked into anger by the song.

    So cleaning some of those negative emotional labels from our lives is a great step! It’s a sign of healing and changing and moving toward something else.

  3. Bravo! well said! *applause* I HATE labels or anything else that puts you in a box, never to come out or change. I have ashtma and was pretty irritated when someone referred to me as an “asthmatic”. Um, there is a little more to me then that!

  4. Ah, I cleaned out my wardrobe and you cleaned out your blog…missus, you might be without a flashlight, but remember we’re all burning flames for you to try and help light the way.

    And even if all the fires go out, there be strength in numbers.

    Gosh but why do I always insist on talking in riddles?! I’m just giddy that you’re considering daily posting again!

  5. TA, EXACTLY. It always cracks me up: we seem to have taken completely opposite paths, and somehow ended up in exactly the same place, mentally. Life’s funny that way. 🙂

    Deb, that’s a great example. I have to admit that I have all the Hannah Montana CDs because they’re all HAPPY songs! I love Pat Benatar, but I agree: I don’t think I could listen to that song without it affecting my mood and my mind.

    Missicat, that’s an interesting point. It’s a subtle difference, but it’s definitely a difference, isn’t it? Like saying “disabled person” instead of “person with a disability.” It seems like such an insignificant difference, but it’s really not.

    Cara, LOL! I love your riddles! I speak riddle fluently. 😉 That’s one of the things I love about this community, though: that everyone is burning flames for everyone else. It’s pretty awesome. 🙂

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