It’s been months since I wrote, I know. At first it was just inconvenient. I had other things to do. And then I was just really busy, all the time, and I stopped really reading, too. And then a month had gone by, then two. I spent time going through the 1st phase of the Geneen Roth stuff, where eat what you want and work toward eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full. And I put the scale on the top shelf in the closet in the guest room. And I gained weight. And then some more (I’m guessing about 20 pounds over the last 4-5 months). And I didn’t get on the scale, and I didn’t read any blogs or write or anything else. And even though the weight gain bothered me, I felt better.
But I would think about blogging, and I it just made me feel . . . ANXIOUS. I was trying really hard not to focus on my weight, and I was finding that I couldn’t even read general-fitness blogs without feeling like I should get up, go to the gym, eat better, eat less, lose some weight, it’s so SIMPLE, what’s wrong with me, I should just suck it up, get on the treadmill, cut out the carbs, it’s fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, fine fine finefinefineFINEFINE.
So I didn’t come back. Not even to say, “Hey, I love you, I might come back or I might not, but I’m ok.” I just couldn’t do it. Everywhere I looked it seemed so simple to just lose! some! weight! Not easy, necessarily, but SIMPLE. And if I didn’t write, if I didn’t read, if I didn’t think about anything other than whether or not I was hungry or full or lonely or anxious, if I ate more mindfully . . . I felt BETTER. Calmer.
Anda few weeks ago I got on the scale at the doctor’s office (there was a possibility I’d broken my foot, although it turned out to be all soft tissue damage – all better now!), and even though I tried not to see the weight, I did (on a piece of paper I didn’t think would contain it). And it bothered me. A lot. I haven’t been this weight since I was in my early 20s, and bingeing every night. So I came home and cried. I kept thinking, “I’m becoming what I’m most afraid of becoming.” I kept thinking about how I should just go on a diet, and deal with it, and THEN I kept thinking about how doing that has NOT worked, so maybe I should give this Roth thing a shot for more than a couple of months. And then something else occurred to me: when you run from something, it controls your life. Fear rules your thoughts and behaviors. So maybe I need to be what scares me most so I can get through it. Ok, then.
And so a few weeks ago, (when the new pants I’d bought that were a little too big in August became almost too small) I decided that maybe it was time to stop wondering if I was hungry, deciding that I wasn’t, and then making a conscious decision to eat anyway. (Yeah. I know that’s not how it’s supposed to work, but I was willing to do it if it was something I needed to get through, first. And it was.) I finally got to the point where I decided to start thinking about nourishing myself, not just feeding myself. So I’m trying to meditate every day and drink more water. That was what came to mind, rising up out of my unconscious when I asked myself, “What do I need next?”
I’ve been reading various blogs here and there again. Just lurking. And most of the time, it’s ok. Some days I don’t read, and I don’t know how often I’ll write. I’ve taken to calling this project, “Operation Normal.” 😉 And I don’t go the gym, but I do go to my dance classes, and I even bought some new ballet shoes, although I haven’t sewn the elastics on yet, so I haven’t been to class. But even buying the shoes was a victory: ballet was what made me the craziest, way back when. And now I stand in a studio, where I’m the biggest girl (even in jazz class), and most of the time, it’s ok. I feel a little bit like I’m not so much reinventing myself as re-finding myself, or reclaiming myself. I’m not actually sure who it is that I’m reclaiming – I haven’t seen that person in years. But I’m kind of curious to find out.