I have about 10 different posts in my drafts section. All from this week. And the thought of posting any of them fills me with anxiety. I mean, really. I thought about writing some of them in a notebook, but that was equally anxiety-inducing.
I think a little part of me is afraid that if I open the box, all the snakes will come out and eat me alive. Right now I’m sitting on the box, holding them in. Clearly, THAT’S worked out well for me so far in life. 😛 In those Roth books she writes about feeling smaller than problems, like if you really sat with them they’d just engulf you. So some of her exercises involve just sitting and FEELING. Realizing that the world won’t end, you won’t get sucked under, it will be ok. I’ve been working on that, but honestly, it’s not that I feel like my problems are too BIG – it’s rather that I feel like there are a thousand little ones. That snake metaphor is really true: I don’t feel like I’ll be swamped under by a tidal wave of rage/grief/despair/whatever – I’ve been there, done that, bought the proverbial t-shirt. But I feel like there are a thousand of them, and they all have teeth, and as soon as I deal with one, there are 999 more biting different places. I don’t have 999 hands to catch them all, and I don’t want them loose, slithering around in my head.
(Actually, you know what’s weird about that metaphor? I actually LIKE snakes. Like, a LOT. I’m sure there’s something deep and psychological at work there, that I chose that metaphor.)
You know what else, though? I’m afraid of giving up the drama. There. I said it. Right now my life is an Epic Struggle, a Battle Against Evil. I am Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (“The only one in all the world with the strength and skill to fight the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah.” Right now I’m SUPER embarrassed that I did NOT HAVE TO LOOK THAT DIRECT QUOTE UP. NERD. ALERT, ok?) The highs are really high and the lows are really low, and I am SUPER IMPORTANT, you know? Every decision is EPIC and LIFE-ALTERING. (Man, I’m really enjoying abusing those capital letters right now, I gotta tell ya.) Life as a trashy soap opera. But . . . honestly, I’m not 100% sure who I would be without the drama – er, “Drama.” And also, I’m not sure HOW to be without the Drama. How do people get through life without everything being a production? I mean, it’s a ridiculous question, and I’m simultaneously aware of its ridiculousness and totally serious in that I don’t know the answer. Which, actually? Is kind of sad.
Argh. That is all the space I have in my head for seriousness right now. I have an appt with the T tomorrow so there will be MUCH seriousness then. Especially because I told her that if I could use the blog as a journal, I’d bring her the stuff to read. I’m still not sure how I feel about that, but then again, if it’s ON THE FREAKING INTERNET, it’s not all that private anymore, is it?
In other news, I got rid of my scale. Sort of. Kind of. I put it on the top shelf in the closet, mostly because I couldn’t bring myself to give it away just yet. But it’s not staring at me every morning, although I do find myself repeatedly checking to make sure the tape measure is still in the bathroom drawer. I’m kind of disturbed by how calming it is to know that it’s there. Like I still have a way to punish myself in the absence of a scale, so the WORLD AS WE KNOW IT will continue. WHEW. WE CAN ALL RELAX, NOW. (There’s that Drama again!) Fortunately, I’m generally too lazy to actually get the tape measure out and USE it, so my self-flagellation is dramatically reduced by the absence of the scale. Which is good. Even if it’s making me a whole new kind of crazy.