Thinky Thoughts: Battle to the Death Edition!

Ok, before I jump in, I added Belle pictures to the other day’s post.  Yeah.  You’re welcome.  😉

So I think my neuroses and my “normal” self (selves?) are battling to the death in my head.  (Well, I HOPE it’s to the death, anyway.  ‘Cause what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and the LAST THING I NEED are stronger neuroses, ok?)

A couple of weeks ago I had a bad week.  Epically bad.  The kind of bad that made me stay home from work and cry.  And then I dragged myself kicking and screaming back on the proverbial wagon, and had a really GOOD week.

Three guesses how this week went, and the first two don’t count.

I set a goal to exerise every day in December.  Even 5 minutes counted: the point was EVERY DAY.  And I was doing pretty well.  For the first week.  And then last week, I had a migraine every day.  Let me repeat: I HAD A MIGRAINE.  EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAMN.  DAY.  There was no exercise.  There was a lot of scotch and a lot of dark rooms and a lot of weeping into pillows, wishing that the pain would STOP, GODDAMMIT, just freakin’ STOP ALREADY. 

I also didn’t make a meal plan this week.  And normally that’s not a disaster, but when I have a migraine and I think that my eyeball might fall out any minute, I don’t make the best choices.  So I ate a lot of crap that I wouldn’t normally eat.  Whoops.

And the thing is, I know the headaches are psychosomatic.  I KNOW they are.  Why do I know this?  Because every time I start to make positive changes, something happens.  I get injured, I have a mental breakdown, I feel so tired that I can’t keep “real” food down – SOMETHING. 

I’m a seriously emotional eater, and I know that some part of me is terrified of letting that go – how will I deal with stress if I don’t eat (or drink)?  I mean, I know the answer INTELLECTUALLY, but on a gut level, I really can’t conceive of dealing with stress any other way.  Food and stress have always been wrapped together for me: whether starving or bingeing or drinking, it’s how I have always dealt with life.  And I’m not sure how I’ll deal with life if I change.  I mean, I know I WILL deal with it, and at some point the way that I deal with it will seem as easy as eating does now, but from this vantage point I can’t see it.  Does that make sense?

So this weekend I had to take a really good look at what I CAN control.  When I can’t exercise, I can control my food intake.  When my stomach is upset, I can eat Chinese soup (with garlic and ginger and bok choy) instead of noodles and butter.  When I’m exhausted and only feel like eating sugar because my body needs something to run on (and it hasn’t gotten any sleep), I can drink a glass of chocolate soy milk instead of that enormous Starbucks mocha. 

There are always small things I can do better, and I think at this point, that might BE the point.  Even if the small things seem TOO small, I think the point might be to send my psyche the message that I’m not stopping.  This is for real.  This is permanent.  I am changing and I will not be dissuaded, migraines be damned. 

But *cue the whining* I just wish it didn’t have to be so haaaaaard.  And I really wish it didn’t entail this Battle to the Death that seems to be going on.  (And I really, REALLY wish that said Battle didn’t feel the need to sacrifice my left eyeball for the cause.  I think I wish that most of all.)

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7 responses to “Thinky Thoughts: Battle to the Death Edition!

  1. ok Im commenting now but need to mull this a whole lot more.

    FOR ME it is all about the opposite of control.
    the moving past that phase/stage/whatever you wanna call is as now that Im typing it reads condescending which I DO NOT MEAN and in to the letting go.
    I have a post started in my drafts about this and intuitive eating which focuses on LET GO LET…BOD.

    For me success (whatever that word even means) can from relinquishing control not finding it. and Im not sure that this would work for other people…which is why right now its in my drafts 🙂

    I need to mull this more…

  2. MizFit is in charge of giving out meaningful comments today. My brain is mush from being up all night with the babe (a condition that makes me scarf jelly beans by the handful) so I’m no help. But now I really really want your recipe for Chinese soup!

  3. Damn that Charlotte, she always hogs the really good excuses.
    Okay, so I have no excuse for not having any good suggestions to offer.
    But I too would love the recipe for Chinese soup 🙂

  4. *giggle* Miz, that post title is HILARIOUS. Love it! I think where I get stuck on the Intuitive Eating is that at some point, I have a hard time distinguishing between what my body wants and what the Crazy part of my brain wants. Does that make sense? I feel like I need to exert some sort of control, not over my body, but over that neurotic part of my brain that really believes that a bowl of pasta and 3 glasses of wine will make everything better. That’s kind of what I meant about the emotional eating. Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between the two.

    Charlotte, I’ll post it – both the more “fix-ey” version and the dead easy one! That’ll be Wednesday’s post . . . 😀

  5. LOL, Merry we posted at the same time! Wednesday . . .

  6. I am totally out of intelligent comments. (Used up my supply for the year, I guess.)
    One wee suggestion for you…. do you get any warning that a migraine is coming on? Some people get an ‘aura’ or something (I get funny starburst lights obscuring my vision)…. take an antacid as soon as you know you have a migraine coming on. Chew a Tums or Rolaids, whatever. I don’t know why, but, for many people, it greatly reduces the pain of the migraine to a tolerable level.

    I know that doesn’t address any of the issues that you are working on, except at a purely practical level. (Who knew? The Bag Lady can be practical. HA)

  7. Maybe the headaches are from caffeine withdrawal?

    I get them from OJ…I made myself allergic. Maybe you’ve got something in your diet that your body does not like?

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