Ok, before I jump in, I added Belle pictures to the other day’s post. Yeah. You’re welcome. 😉
So I think my neuroses and my “normal” self (selves?) are battling to the death in my head. (Well, I HOPE it’s to the death, anyway. ‘Cause what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and the LAST THING I NEED are stronger neuroses, ok?)
A couple of weeks ago I had a bad week. Epically bad. The kind of bad that made me stay home from work and cry. And then I dragged myself kicking and screaming back on the proverbial wagon, and had a really GOOD week.
Three guesses how this week went, and the first two don’t count.
I set a goal to exerise every day in December. Even 5 minutes counted: the point was EVERY DAY. And I was doing pretty well. For the first week. And then last week, I had a migraine every day. Let me repeat: I HAD A MIGRAINE. EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. DAY. There was no exercise. There was a lot of scotch and a lot of dark rooms and a lot of weeping into pillows, wishing that the pain would STOP, GODDAMMIT, just freakin’ STOP ALREADY.
I also didn’t make a meal plan this week. And normally that’s not a disaster, but when I have a migraine and I think that my eyeball might fall out any minute, I don’t make the best choices. So I ate a lot of crap that I wouldn’t normally eat. Whoops.
And the thing is, I know the headaches are psychosomatic. I KNOW they are. Why do I know this? Because every time I start to make positive changes, something happens. I get injured, I have a mental breakdown, I feel so tired that I can’t keep “real” food down – SOMETHING.
I’m a seriously emotional eater, and I know that some part of me is terrified of letting that go – how will I deal with stress if I don’t eat (or drink)? I mean, I know the answer INTELLECTUALLY, but on a gut level, I really can’t conceive of dealing with stress any other way. Food and stress have always been wrapped together for me: whether starving or bingeing or drinking, it’s how I have always dealt with life. And I’m not sure how I’ll deal with life if I change. I mean, I know I WILL deal with it, and at some point the way that I deal with it will seem as easy as eating does now, but from this vantage point I can’t see it. Does that make sense?
So this weekend I had to take a really good look at what I CAN control. When I can’t exercise, I can control my food intake. When my stomach is upset, I can eat Chinese soup (with garlic and ginger and bok choy) instead of noodles and butter. When I’m exhausted and only feel like eating sugar because my body needs something to run on (and it hasn’t gotten any sleep), I can drink a glass of chocolate soy milk instead of that enormous Starbucks mocha.
There are always small things I can do better, and I think at this point, that might BE the point. Even if the small things seem TOO small, I think the point might be to send my psyche the message that I’m not stopping. This is for real. This is permanent. I am changing and I will not be dissuaded, migraines be damned.
But *cue the whining* I just wish it didn’t have to be so haaaaaard. And I really wish it didn’t entail this Battle to the Death that seems to be going on. (And I really, REALLY wish that said Battle didn’t feel the need to sacrifice my left eyeball for the cause. I think I wish that most of all.)