Help is Needed

My brain is barfing.  No, really.  All the shitty attitudes about food and weight and whatnot are flying around in my head like fucking CRAZY.  I’m not sleeping well, because I keep waking up from nightmares.  Every hour or hour and a half I’m awake, anxious and breathing hard.  Sometimes I remember the dreams, sometimes I just remember feeling attacked.  It started Wednesday night (the night before Thanksgiving), and is continuing full speed ahead.

This sucks.  A friend pointed out that it’s probably better to have all this stuff coming up and out: “Better out than in,” was the phrase she used (from Shrek!  LOL!), and she’s right.  She’s right, but IT STILL SUCKS. 

I didn’t work out last night because I was busy drinking 3 martinis to PLEASE DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP, but it didn’t work.  I was still awake every hour all night.  So no liquor tonight.  (Actually, I’m kind of glad it didn’t work, because at least now I can’t use it as an excuse.)  But how do I calm this down?  HOWHOWHOW?  I need some sleep, goddammit. 

And needless to say, I do NOT want to work out/eat right/plan meals/whatever because that means I have to DEAL with the angry, rage-filled voices in my head.  That bowl of pasta still looks damn good.

I’m frustrated and angry and tired and I don’t want to play anymore.  But the thing is, I KNOW the alternative is worse.  (It doesn’t seem like that’s possible right now, but all I have to do is scroll back through old blog entries to know that it’s not only possible, it’s CERTAIN.)  So I don’t want to go back, but I’m struggling with going forward (and by “going forward” I mean “not going back,” not necessarily ACTUALLY moving forward – even maintaining the behaviors seems overwhelming right now). 

The Rev. Michael Beckwith said something once that stuck with me, and I’ve used it more times than I can remember, which is that the ego (in this case, the voices in your head, the “should”s and “can’t”s and “won’t”s and “what-will-other-people-think”s) doesn’t know the difference between transformation and annihilation.  So change is always fucking hard and fucking scary.  (Ok, he might have left out the “fucking” part.)  So in that sense, what’s going on is GOOD – it’s a sign that my psyche is really trying to change, and that another part of my psyche recognizes that and is trying desperately to maintain the status quo.  (Ok, the FIRST part of that is the good part.)  There is no change without something pushing back.  But it SUCKS ANYWAY, ok?

Fuck.  I need . . . I don’t know what I need.  Well, ideally, someone to just hand me a workout schedule and a meal plan and say, “Here.  Just do this and don’t think about it.”  That would be awesome.  But since I don’t have a bazillion dollars (or time to shop for food that’s not already in my fridge), that’s out.  So, probably a schedule.  Maybe I’ll do that at work today: map out my evenings for the rest of this week, so that every minute is accounted for.  I do that sometimes, so that I can just put one foot in front of the other and not think about it.  I just look at the next thing on my list and go do it.  (It goes without saying that this plan requires a fairly comprehensive list because I’ve been known to “forget” things like SHOWERS in this state of mind.)

In the meantime, do you have any fast-and-easy meals and/or workouts to recommend?  (OK, the workouts don’t necessarily have to be easy – just fast.)  I just bought a crapload of soup, because I can take it to work easily and IT REQUIRES NO THOUGHT.  (Dude, I know I’m in bad shape when I don’t even want to COOK, ok?)  I am open to all suggestions, here.  Anything will do.  Really.  Please?

This is usually the part of “food reform” where I stop doing whatever I’ve been doing.  But law school looms next year, and my “I’ll do it later” card is going to expire.  So no stopping.  But please God, someone tell me that this won’t last too much longer.  Because IT SUCKS.

(Did I mention that it sucks?  Because it does suck.  It sucks a lot.  You might have missed that part – the part about how it sucks.  I was really subtle about it, I know.)

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16 responses to “Help is Needed

  1. I do not know if this will really help you, but…

    I find when I’m actively trying to change my life that my ego -that part of me that was successful in creating the negative behaviors- fights back. I get the negative head noise just like you. As I continue, it get louder and louder and I just want to shut it up.

    I’ve screamed at the noise.

    When I set a goal or time or any marker to tell me I’m succeeding in changing as soon as I achieve it (even if it’s not the final step) the voices suddenly shut the fuck up. And I experience such overwhelming sense of joy.

    I’ve had coaches and doctors say: acknowledge the voice but continue. I don’t think they really know what it’s like. I’ve tried to drown the voice in anti-anxiety pills or alcohol which actually gives it power and makes it louder.

    Find SOMETHING you can reach for as a success as quickly as possible. It might be as simple as going one hour in the right direction. As you achieve that success acknowledge it. And move on.

    This is HARD. I’m working through some of it now myself. But we can do it.

  2. Deb, THANK YOU. That helps a lot, actually. I will find myself a super-short goal. (And I might try the screaming, too. *wry grin*)

  3. Debroby has great advice. Set small, simple, attainable goals. They start multiplying pretty quickly and before you know it…success!

    YOU CAN DO THIS!

  4. quick workout? make your own circuit. i’ve done something similar to the following:

    xx calf raises
    xx jumping jacks
    xx push-ups
    xx jumping jacks
    xx crunches
    xx jumping jacks
    xx squats
    xx jumping jacks
    xx tricep dips
    xx jumping jacks
    xx supermans
    xx jumping jacks

    it’s a teeny bit of strength, the jumping jacks are to get the heart pumping … and if you do like 10 reps of everything, it takes NO (well, hardly any) time to complete. if you run through and find you have more time, you can always do another set.

  5. Thanks, Tricia. I’m determined to see this through. Mostly because I can’t imagine doing this for another 5 years.

    T, I’m TOTALLY printing that out. I might even do it tonight. THANK YOU!

  6. What do you mean “might”!?

  7. LOL, POD! Because I “might” do the Jillian Michaels DVD instead. Just depends on how much I have to fight myself. 😉

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  9. Hi…I”m here a bit late, but I have to say.
    Hang in there baby…it’ll get better. Honest.
    Crazy time dies end…and honestly. Every little thing you do, even if you don’t do it perfetcly, counts. It counts because you did it for you and you deserve it.
    I find the hardest thing fro me is starting and sticking with something for a few weeks…from then on in you *know* you can do it…suz you’ve done it…and then you can make it work for you and change it up until it feels right.
    I’ve been there.
    Don’t give up.
    You’re awesome 🙂

  10. and no…I can’t type…:)

  11. Usually when I get flustered and frustrated, it’s because I’m pushing too hard, and rebelling against myself. Sometimes it helps me to take a break for a few days, which doesn’t mean free-for-all, just means the status quo, or maybe tiny little mini-changes that won’t freak me out. I was reading in the paper the other day about the 4th St. steps, and how annoyed the neighbors were about the fitness classes that ran up and down them in the morning, making noise. Probably not convenient for you, but when I can’t get myself to do anything else, I’ll walk up steps, or a hill, even 15 minutes will help clear my head and calm me down.

  12. Thanks, Geosomin. I think part of my problem is definitely just getting started. And then pushing through, you know? Thanks for the reassurance. I needed it.

    Julie, yeah, there’s for sure some rebellion going on. I’m not sure in this case if I’m pushing myself too HARD, or if it’s just that I haven’t given in and retreated back into old habits, which right now FEELS like pushing myself too hard. Does that make sense? And I’m ALL ABOUT the mini-changes right now. I did an 8-minute workout that night. For serious. *wry smile*

  13. De-lurking to say I love the snow and the post. My mind is going through turmoil as well right now and I am so with you on the “it sucks, it sucks..did I mention it sucks” part!

  14. Brittney, hi! I love de-lurkers! 🙂 But I’m sorry that it sucks for you, too. I would not wish this on anyone. I guess knowing that we’re not alone is some comfort, right? Cold comfort maybe, but better than nothing. *hugs*

  15. Pingback: Random Things – Including Some Improvement « Take Up Your Bed and Walk

  16. It does suck. It will always suck, but it WON’T hurt as much eventually. Keep posting it. Expel it. Tell it to who ever will listen, and it’s power will have less hold over you.

    ((hug))

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