My brain is barfing. No, really. All the shitty attitudes about food and weight and whatnot are flying around in my head like fucking CRAZY. I’m not sleeping well, because I keep waking up from nightmares. Every hour or hour and a half I’m awake, anxious and breathing hard. Sometimes I remember the dreams, sometimes I just remember feeling attacked. It started Wednesday night (the night before Thanksgiving), and is continuing full speed ahead.
This sucks. A friend pointed out that it’s probably better to have all this stuff coming up and out: “Better out than in,” was the phrase she used (from Shrek! LOL!), and she’s right. She’s right, but IT STILL SUCKS.
I didn’t work out last night because I was busy drinking 3 martinis to PLEASE DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP, but it didn’t work. I was still awake every hour all night. So no liquor tonight. (Actually, I’m kind of glad it didn’t work, because at least now I can’t use it as an excuse.) But how do I calm this down? HOWHOWHOW? I need some sleep, goddammit.
And needless to say, I do NOT want to work out/eat right/plan meals/whatever because that means I have to DEAL with the angry, rage-filled voices in my head. That bowl of pasta still looks damn good.
I’m frustrated and angry and tired and I don’t want to play anymore. But the thing is, I KNOW the alternative is worse. (It doesn’t seem like that’s possible right now, but all I have to do is scroll back through old blog entries to know that it’s not only possible, it’s CERTAIN.) So I don’t want to go back, but I’m struggling with going forward (and by “going forward” I mean “not going back,” not necessarily ACTUALLY moving forward – even maintaining the behaviors seems overwhelming right now).
The Rev. Michael Beckwith said something once that stuck with me, and I’ve used it more times than I can remember, which is that the ego (in this case, the voices in your head, the “should”s and “can’t”s and “won’t”s and “what-will-other-people-think”s) doesn’t know the difference between transformation and annihilation. So change is always fucking hard and fucking scary. (Ok, he might have left out the “fucking” part.) So in that sense, what’s going on is GOOD – it’s a sign that my psyche is really trying to change, and that another part of my psyche recognizes that and is trying desperately to maintain the status quo. (Ok, the FIRST part of that is the good part.) There is no change without something pushing back. But it SUCKS ANYWAY, ok?
Fuck. I need . . . I don’t know what I need. Well, ideally, someone to just hand me a workout schedule and a meal plan and say, “Here. Just do this and don’t think about it.” That would be awesome. But since I don’t have a bazillion dollars (or time to shop for food that’s not already in my fridge), that’s out. So, probably a schedule. Maybe I’ll do that at work today: map out my evenings for the rest of this week, so that every minute is accounted for. I do that sometimes, so that I can just put one foot in front of the other and not think about it. I just look at the next thing on my list and go do it. (It goes without saying that this plan requires a fairly comprehensive list because I’ve been known to “forget” things like SHOWERS in this state of mind.)
In the meantime, do you have any fast-and-easy meals and/or workouts to recommend? (OK, the workouts don’t necessarily have to be easy – just fast.) I just bought a crapload of soup, because I can take it to work easily and IT REQUIRES NO THOUGHT. (Dude, I know I’m in bad shape when I don’t even want to COOK, ok?) I am open to all suggestions, here. Anything will do. Really. Please?
This is usually the part of “food reform” where I stop doing whatever I’ve been doing. But law school looms next year, and my “I’ll do it later” card is going to expire. So no stopping. But please God, someone tell me that this won’t last too much longer. Because IT SUCKS.
(Did I mention that it sucks? Because it does suck. It sucks a lot. You might have missed that part – the part about how it sucks. I was really subtle about it, I know.)