Looking for Time

Today was a good day overall, all things considered.  (I think that’s redundant, but I don’t care.)  I went to bed last night at 8:45 and slept like a ROCK straight through until 8:15 this morning.  And when I woke up, I had that headache you get when you’ve been crying, although I hadn’t been crying the night before.  (The DAY before sure, but I’d stopped by nighttime.  I’m just sayin’.) 

And I had a list of things to do that was long (as usual), and although I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed, that feeling was lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce.  So I had some breakfast (my new, non-negotiable rule: Thou Shalt Eat Breakfast and No, Coffee Doesn’t Count), and some therapy (grief to go with your granola, anyone?) and generally lazed around/marinated in my own crappy feelings.  Which was good.  And much-needed.

I did at least do the vaccuuming and clean the bathroom.  Because both of those things really needed to be done.  Really.  I’m not lying, here.

The Beck assignment for today basically boiled down to, Thou Shalt Find the Time to Support Thy New Eating Habits.  (With bonus points for correct use of “thou” and “thy.”)  There was actual scheduling involved, which I simultaneously love (yay! control!) and hate (boo! you-are-not-the-boss-of-me!).  Overall, I have good experiences with scheduling my life, as long as I leave myself some wiggle room for the unexpected.  So instead of doing a daily layout, I did a “standard weekday,” and then Saturday and Sunday. 

And given how stressed and overwhelmed I’ve been (granted, that was more emotional than circumstantial), I was stunned to find . . . free time.  Seriously.  On Saturday and on Sunday, I found actual, honest-to-god free time.  Even AFTER I scheduled a nap on BOTH days.  Huh.  It makes some sense, actually: when I feel totally overwhelmed, I tend to wander aimlessly from project to project, never quite completing anything because I always think there’s something more pressing I should be doing.  So it takes me 2 hours to finish what should take me 45 minutes or an hour.  But in this case, I honestly did not realize that I really DO have some time during my week to take care of myself.  Not just dieting, but time to relax and take care of my mental health. 

I’m just not sure I can really use it the way I want to.  See, I’m trying to get used to getting my laundry/housework/etc. done on the weekends, because next year I’ll be in school 4 nights a week.  But I don’t do well when I try and clean the whole house all at once.  I do better when I do it in small batches.  I keep reminding myself that next year is a whole YEAR away.  Baby steps, trends, all that.  And I’ll have Friday nights off next year.  So I’m trying to figure out how to break up my stuff into Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  I’m not there yet, but I’m starting to realize that as long as I’m slowly moving in that direction, it’s all good. 

But seriously, free time.

NICE.

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2 responses to “Looking for Time

  1. So I have been reading all your previous posts – just not commenting as it’s hard to find a time when both hands are free to type with! But I wanted to say how cool it is that you are doing Dr. Beck’s program – I love her books. And I have to laugh at the “you’re not the boss of me” line – I totally do the same thing. And then I’m like…wait, I am the boss of me!

    I’m so sorry for all the emotional stuff you’ve been dealing with lately too. (hugs)!

  2. LOL, Charlotte, I’m just impressed that you’re reading ANYTHING, let alone posting! You amaze me. 🙂

    And then I’m like…wait, I am the boss of me!
    HA! This is where I need to get to. I’m still not convinced that the “adult” voice really IS the boss of me! (Um. That might be part of my problem, right there . . . ;D)

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