Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

So I mentioned the other day that one of my big bosses was let go.  That was because a bigger boss than him was let go, and the new guy who replaced THAT boss is restructuring some things.  And today, the axe fell hard.  We lost between 4 and 8 (depending on who you talk to) major executives within our company, some of them people I know and have worked with.  At the moment, my department is safe, and it looks like we’ll stay that way (thank God), but the tension in the air today was thick enough to cut with a knife.  I’m wiped out.

Also, I don’t think I’m going to retake the LSAT after all.  Although I’m getting more accurate at the logic games, I’m not getting any FASTER, which means I’ll end up with a similar score in the end.  So I’m going to wing it and see what happens.  (*gulp*)

On the weight/health front today, I think I did ok.  Except for lunch.  I stood in my boss’s office with my scallops and he ate his tuna sandwich, and we both worked during lunch.  Oops.  (The irony here is that I USUALLY sit down for lunch, albeit at my desk.)  I walked out of his office, and went, “Oh, SHIT!” when I remembered that I was  supposed to sit down.  Eh.  Whatever.  I did eat dinner sitting down though, which is unusual for me.  (I’m a stand-over-the-sink-and-shovel-it-in-so-I-can-get-on-to-more-important-things girl.  Er.  Or, I USED to be that girl.)  So that’s a skill I will have to do a LOT of work on.

I have to admit that I was surprised that other people really DO sit down to eat.  I think I thought it was something people only really did if they had kids or if they were a tv family.  Seriously.  I hardly EVER sit down to eat.  You know when I sit down?  When I’m at work, and I work through lunch.  THEN I sit down, because my ass is glued to my desk chair.  But I don’t think that’s what Beck has in mind. 

The next lesson is on giving myself credit.  The first sentence in that chapter was something like, “People who have trouble with weight loss are often very self-critical.”  I read that and I started laughing, because when I opened the book and saw that it was about giving myself credit, my first thought was, “For WHAT?  I didn’t even eat sitting down today!”  Ok, point taken.  😉

Actually, giving myself credit for things is traditionally something I have not been very good at.  I tend to look at the things I’ve done well and think, “But that is stuff you’re SUPPOSED to just DO.  You don’t get CREDIT for that, for fuck’s sake.”  But Lord help me if I slip and fall, even a little.  THEN it’s all, “You idiot.  You can’t even do the simplest things.  Other people do this without a problem.  What the hell is wrong with you?”  I kind of can’t win for losing, you know?  And even as I sit here now thinking, “Hey, I missed lunch but at least I sat down for dinner,” another part of me answers back, “Um, all you did was what you SAID you would do, and you didn’t even do that!  Don’t turn it around to say that it’s ok you were half-wrong because you were also half-right.  There’s no such thing as half-right.  That’s like being half-pregnant.  So don’t sit there and think you’re all virtuous just for not screwing up a SECOND TIME.”

It’s not a very nice voice.  Ahem.  I think this lesson might be a tough one.  (Possibly even tougher than sitting down to eat.  Possibly.)  And on that note, since ya’ll were helpful yesterday with the sitting down thing, do you give yourself credit for stuff?  Do you have trouble recognizing that you’ve done something well?  What about when you’ve screwed up?  Are those two things balanced in your head?  ‘Cause they’re sure not in mine.

And after the day’s emotional roller-coaster (who gets the axe?  Will we get the axe?  I don’t THINK we’ll get the axe.  Oh no, HE got the axe? Etc.), I’m going to bed early.  Really early.  REALLY really early.  Like in 1o minutes.  At seven.  (Ok, I might read for an hour.)

I’m thinking I might have to start adding exercise back into my day as well, but I haven’t fleshed out the baby steps on that one, yet.  I’ll keep you posted.  (Because I know you JUST. CAN’T. WAIT.)

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2 responses to “Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

  1. Oh Marste! I have that voice in my head, too! (The one that calls me an idiot when I screw up the least little thing) Sometimes it sounds like my mother (I’m sure her criticism was well-intentioned – she wanted all her children to be perfect. ahem) and sometimes it’s my ex-husband, but oftentimes it’s my own nagging, strident, screech. (“Sheesh, can’t you do even the simplest thing without screwing up?!”)

    “People who have trouble with weight loss are often very self-critical.”

    No shit.

    If you figure out how to fix that (without years of therapy), let me know, ‘kay?

  2. Hey! I have serious trouble giving myself credit for things. But it can be a learned skill, because about half the time now I give myself equal amounts of credit as I do negative self-talk! (That would be the half of the time that my crazybrain isn’t raging. ;-D) And it DEFINITELY helps, though I have to be kinda careful. If I give myself credit for something that I really don’t think I deserve credit for, I don’t believe it and then feel WORSE. But sometimes I can talk myself into believing the credit — like, “Okay, so I ate sitting down at dinner but not at lunch, and that’s only half right. BUT, this is something new I’m learning, and like I tell my clients we’re looking for trends. Improvement, not magic goodness. Improvement. And I improved! And I sat down at dinner even when I didn’t want to. And tomorrow, I can try again.”

    When I really can’t manage to give myself credit for long periods of time — when I really am getting manic and anxious and overwhelmed — I call Kyra, because she’s really good at pointing out where I deserve credit, and talking me down from the proverbial ledge and making me see that what I’m doing is good stuff, not below average. So if you want to call me, I can talk you down from that proverbial ledge, too. 😉

    So, phew. Long answer to a short question. *grins*

    J

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