Today was a MUCH better day than yesterday. There were no big-boss-departures announced, no meltdowns on the phone, no roses that smelled like Grandma’s house.
Thank God. I don’t think I could have taken another day like that.
Crazy voice has definitely kicked in, though. I put my hair up this morning, and standing in front of the mirror, from the depths of my psyche, that snotty little voice said, “Hello, fat girl.” Ouch. And I immediately started to get sucked in, to feel BAD AND MAD AND SAD and like there was no point in even trying and andandand. And then I stopped. And I just stood there for a minute, waiting it out. And I realized something. (One of those things was that I should stop starting sentences with the word “and.”) I realized that that part of Crazy voice is how I justify not changing. It’s the part of me that is so, SO afraid that if I try, I will fail. It’s the part of me that thinks deep down, it would be better not to try, better to just remain a medium-sized failure than to give it my best shot and be a HUGE failure. What’s that saying? “It’s better to be thought an idiot than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.” That’s kind of how I feel.
So I went to work, and printed out little cards. Beck calls them Response Cards, and you print the “sabotaging thought” at the top, and then all the counter-thoughts underneath it. Then you read it when you’re in a bad way. And you know something? It seems to be helping. (Of course, I have about 12 copies of each card, and I have them stashed freakin’ EVERYWHERE. It’s amazing how much I hate on myself.)
Day 3’s assignment is to eat sitting down. At first I thought that was no big deal, I could do that. And then I kept reading. I have to sit down for EVERYTHING. If I want a spoonful of peanut butter for a snack, I have to SIT DOWN for it. If I just want a piece of cheese, I have to sit down. No bites of anything, no tasting what I’m cooking (I do draw the line at that, because how else am I supposed to know if it’s seasoned properly??). Weight Watchers used to refer to those as the BLTs: Bites, Licks and Tastes. And in the last couple of days, while I haven’t been Sitting Down, I HAVE been paying more attention to what I eat standing up – most often while fixing something else.
Turns out I eat a fair amount before my dinner ever hits the table. Some days that’s because I just didn’t eat enough during the day, and I’m freakin’ HUNGRY. Other times, it’s just convenient, or it just looks good. (Sun-dried tomatoes go in the shrimp and quinoa? Well, I’ll just snag a couple tomatoes out of the olive-oil-filled jar to eat!!)
We’ll see how I do tomorrow (which is the official Thou Shalt Sit Down day). Like I said, I’ve already decided that if I’m cooking, and tasting to check for seasonings, I’ll continue to do that. What I won’t do is continue to “taste” after the seasoning is right (because you know, it just tastes really GOOD). And if I need a snack, I’ll get it out and put it on a plate. Ideally, I’ll sit down, but if I can’t (tonight was a throw-dinner-together night, and I didn’t have a chance during prep to sit down), at least I can eat it off of a plate, which still makes it feel more significant than food I’ve “sneaked.”
And now, I’m beat. I’m off to bed.