This is Already Harder Than I Expected

So it’s day 1 of the Beck Diet, or as I’m thinking of it (and will continue to refer to it, because I’m trying really hard to avoid the word “diet” and the way it makes me feel), the Normal Eating Project. 

All I had to do was make a list on index cards of what the advantages were to eating normally.  In my case I made 2 cards, because one of the advantages of eating normally will be weight loss, but I wanted those things on a separate card.  (That way if I’m feeling crazy, I can just read the “Normal Eating” card without dealing with the weight-loss part.)  And I’d already pretty much done it, because I knew that it was the first day’s assignment (and yes, I was THAT STUDENT).  So I just had to reprioritize a couple of things on the list, and then print it. 

It took me almost an hour.  I needed some water.  Then I had to go to the bathroom.  Then I thought that I should watch my movie first, because I might not have time to after finishing the assignment (!).  (I did NOT watch the movie, just FYI.)  Then I thought that I should pick up the coffee table first.  Then I needed some more water.  Then I had to go to the bathroom again.  Then my pencil wasn’t sharp. 

I feel like I’m five years old.

I DON’T WANNA!  IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE!  I DON’T WANNA THINK ABOUT THIS STUFF IT MAKES ME FEEL SAD AND MAD AND BAD!
(Hey, look at me – I’m a hack-rate Dr. Seuss!!)

I finally decided that I was NOT getting up again.  I was going to do this goddammit, come hell or high water.  So I did.

Part of the reason I made two sets of cards was because sometimes looking at reasons people have for losing weight just makes me sad and angry and feel like shouting, “FUCK YOU, SOCIETY!  IF YOU DON’T LIKE MY BODY, THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE!”  For instance, there was an example of someone’s list in the book.  Among things like “I’ll feel in control,” and “I’ll be able to move around better,” were statements like, “Sharon will be proud of me,” and “My sister won’t make comments.”  And those last two just made me want to cry.  (It also made me want to track down the woman and offer to beat up her sister and Sharon.  What?  I’m just sayin’.)

When I read things like that it just reinforces the feeling that I’m bad, fat, gross, unworthy, unlovable, blah, blah, polysyllabic-blah.  And rather than motivate me to change, it makes me feel like, why should I even bother? 

Um.  You see why I’m trying to focus on the normal eating part, here. 

But I did it.  And I sent myself an email at work to remind me to set up Outlook reminders so that I read the little list(s) more than once a day. 

What?  What’s on my list, you ask?  (Yeah, I know you didn’t ask, but it’s my blog, and you can’t stop me from posting it, MUAHAHAHAhaaaaa!)  This is some of the stuff I listed, and I did mine in the form of affirmations.

On the Advantages to Eating Normally card:
I don’t need to be surrounded with food to feel “safe.”
I don’t live in fear of feeling hungry or need to carry extra food with me everywhere.
I feel less out of control and more IN control.
I have more energy because my body is getting nourishing food.
I’ve learned to process my feelings of anxiety in constructive ways, instead of burying them with food and/or alcohol.
I never feel ashamed to eat in front of other people, no matter what I’m eating.

(Yeah, that last one is a sad one.  But it’s a big contributor toward binges, that feeling of needing to hide away and eat fast before anyone sees me.  So I needed to put it down there.)

And on the Advantages to Losing Weight card . . . well, those are pretty much like everyone else’s, though I tried not to put anything on there that made me feel sad about my current weight.  And for some curious reason, I feel more protective of my weight-loss reasons, even though they’re JUST LIKE FREAKIN’ EVERYONE ELSE’S, so I’m not sharing.  Maybe later. 

Now I have to remember to read them all day.  Ha!

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4 responses to “This is Already Harder Than I Expected

  1. (hackrate suess :))

    this stuff is hard huh? a crapload of time work insight and raking through our (your, one’s, MINE :)) inner MUCK.

    but it is so so worth it in the end.

    as always let me know if I can lend a hand.

  2. At least you’re facing the mean nasty index cards instead of dithering, like some of us me…

  3. Good for you for making yourself do it. And I loved the part about offering to beat up Sharon–can I help?

  4. LOL, Miz. That was the first thing I thought when that went through my head earlier yesterday: ” . . . MAD AND BAD AND SAD!” . . . “Um, ok there, Sam I Am. Chill out.” Ha!

    And yes, it is work. I think I was hoping that it would not be QUITE so much work. But I also think I’ve been deluding myself a teeny bit. *sigh*

    Merry, realizing that I’ve only got a year to build and CEMENT new habits really lit a fire under my ass!

    You can TOTALLY help. We can take turns, so our fists get breaks. Because yanno, hitting things is hard work. 😉

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