Day 2. Meltdown Number 1.

What?  You didn’t think I’d go 24 hours without a meltdown, did you?  WHAT FUN WOULD THAT BE? 

But first, some other stuff. 

I was blog-surfing (when I should have been working (unless there are work people reading this in which case I WAS WORKING LIKE A DOG ALL DAY because I am THE BEST EMPLOYEE EVER)) today, and I read Roni’s post.  It was pretty much a “this-was-my-weekend” sort of post, but at the bottom was this:

Seriously.. how fabulous a day was that?
Is my inbox bursting from the seams? You bet!
Do I have about a million things on my to do? ohhh yeah.
Is the house completely spotless? HA! not even close.
I had a great day with family. I prepared for the week by cutting up fresh veggies, making lunches tomorrow and pulling out stuff for dinner tomorrow (gonna experiment with the crock pot.)

Bolding mine.  And my weekend was almost exactly the opposite: my house got cleaned, errands were run, email cleaned out.  But did I prepare my food for the week?  No.  No, I did not.  Now, that was a conscious choice.  I had 2 dishes to make, and they were both 30-minutes-or-less to prepare, and I was tired yesterday, so I decided to do them after work on Monday and Tuesday.  But when I read that this morning, I thought about what I had chosen to make time for over the weekend, and what I’d blown off.  The house is clean, so I definitely have peace of mind.  But even (especially?) though I knew I was starting a Normal Eating Plan today, I didn’t fix those dinners.  (Now, I did fix one tonight, and I’ll fix the other tomorrow, so I didn’t blow them off completely.  But still.  You see my point.)

I just thought it was an interesting thing to note.

Today I read my affirmation cards at all the appointed times, so that was good.  But after last night’s battle to sit down and just freakin’ DO THEM, it stirred up enough emotional crap that I didn’t sleep well last night.  I kept sort of floating up to the surface of sleep and then back down again.  So today I was TIRED.  EXHAUSTED, even.  And I do not do well on little to no sleep, ok?  NOT. WELL. At all. 

And so the end of the day found me on the phone to my mom, weeping softly sobbing hysterically that my life SUCKS and the LSATs SUCK and I DON’T CARE, and Grandma’s DEAD, and I didn’t get to go to her FUNERAL, and the roses outside my office smell JUST LIKE GRANDMA’S HOUSE, and PART OF ME THINKS SHE’S STILL IN HER HOUSE, (NOT MY BRAIN BUT THE EMOTIONAL PART OF ME BECAUSE I DIDN’T GET TO GO TO HER DAMN FUNERAL) and I cleaned my house but there is still FALL CLEANING TO DO, and the Goodwill to take things to, and one of my big bosses at work is LEAVING (and not voluntarily), and I’m SAD and life SUCKS, AND THIS FUCKING DIET BULLSHIT MAKES ME THINK ABOUT HOW I’M FEELING INSTEAD OF JUST EATING SOME DAMN OREOS AND FUCK-FUCK-FUCKETY-FUCK-FUCK AND DID I MENTION THAT LIFE SUCKS???  Because it DOES.

Ahem.  Yeah.  Poor mom.  She said, ” . . . Well.  Would it help if I came up for a day or two?  I could do your fall cleaning for you and fix dinner.”  And if I hadn’t already lost it, I would have lost it then.  As it was I lost it EVEN MORE, and said something like, “*SOBSOBSOB* yes *SOBHICSOB* please, I *SOBSOB* need my mom!!!!  Please come up and hold my hand!!! *SOBSOBSOB*”

Good times.  Let’s just say that I see a hot bath and a glass of red wine in my VERY NEAR FUTURE, ok?

SO!  One day down, 41 more to go!!  Woo-hoo!  *end sarcasm*

*sigh*  I knew this would be hard, so in some ways it’s ok.  I mean, in the way that it’s totally NOT ok, except that I was kind of (sort of) braced for it, and I know it’s a necessary part of the process and blah, blah, blah, so THAT part is ok.  If that makes sense.

And on to day 2!!  *Dies laughing*

Today my assignment (which YES, I DID already look at several days ago) is to pick two diets: one to start, and a fall-back plan.  Since there are basically 2 kinds of diets (the count-something kind – like Weight Watchers – and the “eat this, at this time, in this quantity, every other Wednesday when the moon is full” kind – like the Zone), I figured I’d pick one of each.  So I’m starting with a 1500-calorie diet, and using the food combining plan as my fall-back.  I have experience with both, they’ve both worked at different times (um – when I’ve adhered to them), and they each temper a different part of the Crazy.

Couple of things, though.  First, because I know the answer, but need to be yelled at a little, please remind me that IT REALLY IS A BAD THING if I eat 1500 calories, and then burn 600 at the gym.  Um.  That’s bad, right?  If I eat 1800 and burn 600, is that ok?  That gives me 1200 altogether.  I mean, I know some diets do that, but I don’t want to TOTALLY screw up my metabolism.  Should I keep 1500 as my absolute, thou-shalt-not-drop-below?  Or can I go down to 1200?  (Does it really go without saying that 900 or 1000 is bad?  What if I’m not hungry?)  Please beat me over the head with this in the comments, because I’m feeling rebellious and like if I’m super-sneaky about it, and don’t feel hungry (except maybe a little, but I don’t want to mention that part) it WILL BE TOTALLY FINE.  (Um.  And I kind of sort of think it might not know it WON’T be fine.)

And the second diet, the food combining diet: I’m going to do the Suzanne Somers one, because OMG her recipes are SO GOOD.  (Seriously, if you do high-protein, medium-high fat, low carb?  GO BUY HER BOOKS.  Just buy them.  REALLY.  Even if you don’t follow the diet, they’re worth it just for the recipes.  SERIOUSLY.  I AM NOT KIDDING.  GO NOW.)  Food combining basically boils down to: don’t eat protein and carbs together.  Some folks take it a step further and say not to eat carbs with any fat either, but I can’t do that – I get stomachaches.  I CAN however commit to only eating plant fats with carbs, because my system seems to process plant fats differently from animal fats.  So I can’t have pasta with alfredo sauce, but I can have pasta with pesto sauce.  And you have to eat fruit separately.  Whatever.  I don’t usually eat fruit with anything else, anyway, so I don’t care.

Anyway, the food combining diet is a good way for me to short-circuit the Crazy when it starts pushing my calorie intake ever lower.  There’s no counting in FC, so that takes care of that.  And it placates the part of me that craves rules.  (At least until I go to the opposite extreme.  But that’s what the counting plan is for!)

I figure, much like WW, I won’t switch between the two more than once a week.  (Probably not even that much.  I like my counting for the most part.)  That way I can’t screw up any good results by PRETENDING to diet, when I’m just rebelling.

PHEW.  That was super-long.  Aren’t you glad I’m done?  I am.  Glad, I mean.  But also done.  Now I’m off to soak in the tub until I’m all pruney.  Lord knows I need it after today.  Woo-hoo!


5 responses to “Day 2. Meltdown Number 1.

  1. Whew.
    I will not comment on your diet plan (mostly because my brain goes into neutral when I start reading about carbs and protein and fats and what’s good and what’s not – it’s like I have a learning disability and none of it sticks in my head)

    So, is your mom coming to do your fall cleaning?

    And, umm, when she’s done there, think she’ll come and do mine? (probably not, eh? Especially when she realizes it would take until spring…… sigh.)

  2. That’s my biggest problem with getting back hard core into a diet plan…to have to actually pick one. I’m crap at counting points and whiney about looking after carbs vs protein vs mmmmmmpotato chips…I’ll check out Susanne Somers recipes.
    Take it easy K? Have a hot bath and relax…My thoughts on the calorie thing is don’t go too low on your calories – I find too little calories makes me grumpy as hell. Between the cranks and the not being able to stop thinking about food, there’s a magic line I’m trying to find foodwise…
    And I second BL – if your Mum has a bit of time after she visits you I could use some help at my place. 🙂

  3. Eating too little makes me binge binge binge and binge some more. Similar to Bag Lady, my eyes glaze over with talk of calorie counts, food combining, etc. I’m sure it’s a rare day that I eat less than 2000 calories/day, so I’m not the person to ask this question. This is why my weight loss is slow, but so what, I’m almost done now.

    Good luck, and anyone who tells you that changing habits is painless doesn’t know what they’re talking about. I’m opposite in most ways, I eat/live to lose weight, but don’t clean my apt., take care of mail, deal with shit in general. I’m working on it, currently cleaning apt.

  4. Sorry… can’t talk now.. off to look up Suzanne Somers’ books…

  5. LOL, BL, I’ll ask my mom. You might have to pay for her plane flight, but she’s a SERIOUS cleaner!

    Geo, I didn’t think about the mood factor. I do get really tired when I eat too little. *sigh* It just seems so tempting to lose faster, you know? (Not that it’s worked so well in the long run BEFORE . . . )

    Julie, I guess I should remember that, too. I tend to drink too much when I’m starving, just because my body is looking for the blood sugar boost. I think that’s a long-term recipe for liver failure and diabetes though, so maybe I’ll rethink things.

    LOL! Merry, they’re awesome. Especially the first three. 🙂

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