And the Hits Just Keep On Coming

I want a glass of wine.  Or two.  (Or four.)  I have not HAD a glass of wine, and I WON’T have one, but I really, really want one.

ShowEast (the film convention that I leave for on Saturday) is in full-bore, last-minute, oh-my-god-did-I-forget-anything mode.  I’m working overtime.  (Which means, yay! Paycheck!)  I’m getting on a plane on Saturday morning, and coming back on Sunday, November 1.  I will be in Orlando all that time, and really can’t come home.

Which would be no big deal, but I got a call Tuesday that said, OH BY THE WAY, GRANDMA’S DYING.  Mother of God.  Seriously?  I mean, really: SERIOUSLY?!?!  I went over there that night (tonight, as I write this, but last night as you’re reading this).  The doctor said she’d be surprised if Grandma made it till morning, although I’m guessing 2-4 days, after watching Grandpa a couple of months ago.  Grandma’s WAY too coherent right now to be on her way out.  (I probably jinxed that and she’ll be dead by the time this auto-posts on Wednesday morning.)  But it’ll be soon: her kidneys are starting to fail, her system isn’t digesting food anymore, all that stuff.  All the processes of a body shutting down are in progress. 

She might die before I leave, but even if she doesn’t I will almost certainly miss her funeral.  I have mixed feelings about that.  On the one hand, the funeral is for the living, I said my goodbyes a long time ago, and there isn’t really any love lost between me and the rest of the family, so no one there will miss me.  On the other hand . . . well, I liked my grandma.  I mean, I loved her, sure, but I also LIKED her.  She was a cool lady; cooler, certainly than the rest of the family, and I’ll miss her.  I kind of wish I could go to her funeral, although she’d be the first person to laugh at me for it.  (Which is a big part of why I won’t be cutting my trip short.) 

Anyway.  It’s just weird.  She’ll be the last grandparent to go, which is also weird.  I thought my grandpa would outlive her, but he died a couple of months ago.  Never can tell, I guess.

I’m on the fence about the gym tomorrow.  It’s almost 10:00 as I write this, and if I want to go to the gym I have to get up at 4:00.  On the one hand, I’m TIRED, dammit.  On the other hand, I need the stress release.  On the other hand (look at me! I’m Tevye!) if I end up going back to Grandma’s tomorrow night, I’ll need all the sleep I can get.  (Actually, that will be true most of the rest of the week, anyway.  Because I was out Tuesday night, and will probably be out Wednesday night, I can plan on not going to bed before 11 or 12 any night from Wednesday to Friday, because I have a CRAPLOAD of stuff to do before I leave on Saturday morning.  Thank God I can sleep on planes.)

Also, my diet is a little crazy right now.  I’m eating enough, but I’m just barely within the realm of (almost) acceptable, and I know it.  I went through this when Grandpa died, too: this white-knuckled need to have some sort of control.  (That’s part of the reason for the PB cups, honestly.  Some days are bad, and I end up eating WAY too little, and at the end of the day that makes me REALLY happy.  So I go inhale enough PB cups to bring my calorie intake up to a more “normal” level for the day, thus short-circuiting the “can I eat this little (or even less) again tomorrow” Crazy game.  The things we do to psych ourselves out.)

It’s going to be a bumpy ride this week.  And it’s only Tuesday.

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8 responses to “And the Hits Just Keep On Coming

  1. Marste I am so sorry that things are so difficult for you. There is very little I can say, so much has been going on in your life recently. Please take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. Thinking of you sweetie,

    Lola x

  2. Im also so very sorry and wish there were ANYTHING I could do to lessen your pain.

    Carla

  3. Marste – I’m sorry to hear about the turmoil in your life right now. We all go through periods where it seems as though the hits never stop coming! Hang in there – it will get better, honest!

    Be kind to yourself! Wish there was something I could do to help.

  4. Prayers, positive vibes, and a virtual hug are being sent your way. It’s not the same as a glass of wine and a PB cup, I know.

  5. I am so sorry to hear about your Grandma! When my grammy died, it was one of the Heartbreaks of my life. Good luck juggling all the craziness this week.

    PS> I hope you skipped the gym and got some more sleep!

  6. I can really relate to feeling the need to have some sort of control of your life, and using the restriction of food to help you to do that. I too have often used alcohol to also numb out all of those intense feelings. Much like the ED does. I hope that everything calms down and gets better for you soon. Try to think of some different ways to nurture yourself this week. You deserve it!
    Take care:)

  7. Wow…not sure what to say, but thinking of you.
    Do what you need to do for yourself…

  8. Thanks, Lola. I’m def. trying to be kind to myself, but as you know too well, the results on that are variable! Ha!

    Thanks, Carla. If you happen to run across an extra hour or two of sleep, will you send them my way? 😉 (Man, don’t I WISH!!! LOL!)

    BL, I just appreciate that you left a note. Honestly, it helps a lot just to have the support.

    Merry, it’s not the same – it’s better! 😉 Thanks for the good wishes.

    Oh, Charlotte, I DID go to the gym. But I think I should have slept in!

    Thanks, Angela. It’s funny how calming it is to have control over something. Probably not all that HEALTHY, but calming. Ha!

    Thanks, Geosomin. I’m just grateful for the comment at all. It’s weird how much it helps to have “virtual friends” just extending “I don’t know what to say’s.” If that makes sense.

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