Seven Days

Saturday was seven days.  Seven days of slightly more peanut butter cups and Doritos than I normally eat.  Seven days of 2 (sometimes 3) diet sodas almost every night.  Seven days of of keeping crazy-busy in the evenings for fear of sitting down with nothing to do. 

Seven days since I stopped drinking.

Ok, that was overly dramatic.  I’m not stopping wholesale.  I’m not going to shy away from having a glass of wine on a date, or a cocktail (or two) at a party.  But I won’t be drinking at home.  I won’t be having a glass of wine with dinner when I’m alone, because clearly I can’t stop with just one.  I end up drinking half the bottle, or sometimes (more often than I’d care to admit) the whole bottle.  So I have to be done.

The irony is that I have about 6 bottles of wine in the guest bedroom closet (where it’s cool).  And even odder, having it there makes me feel a little better, in the same way that sometimes having junk food in the house makes me feel calmer, especially if I’m not eating it.  It’s like I GET to make the choice to treat myself better.  It’s not something I’m forcing on myself or depriving myself of: it’s right there for the taking.  But when it’s right there and I CHOOSE not to eat it, it makes me feel more in control, calmer, less obssessive.  I know that sounds weird, and occasionally it doesn’t work, but most of the time it works pretty well.  (Plus the next time I have a party, at least I won’t have to buy wine.  ;D)

In the meantime, I’ve been eating a few more chips and PB cups, and drinking a LOT more diet soda.  It’s not something particularly great, but for the moment it’s better than the alternative.  It DOES mean though, that I need to be more diligent about the gym this week.  (Last week I ended up fighting a virus, so I only went a couple of days.) 

So, yeah.  Seven days.  Since I haven’t been drinking though, I’ve noticed that I have a low-level, constant sort of anxiety going on.  That’s the reason for the sugar and the chips.  (Well, that and the fact that wine has a shitload of sugar in it, so when I removed the wine, my system went into sugar withdrawal.)  So I need to go back to meditating or something.  Either that, or start viewing my gym time the way I did when my Grandpa died: as the one 45-minute segment of the day that was MINE, ALL MINE, MUAHAHAHAHAAA!  Um.  Yeah.  Ahem. 

But that’s kind of how I felt about it: for 45 minutes (give or take) I didn’t have to think about anything.  I could just get on the treadmill and lose myself in LOST or Fringe or some other show.  I got 45 minutes a day to zone out, and I was pretty ferocious about keeping it.  Whiiiiiich has its good points and bad points.  The good is obvious, but the bad is that (like everything else) I tend to get obssessive about it.  But it does help alleviate that anxiety for the most part.

(Moderation.  What is this thing you speak of?)

So Monday morning I’ll make a trip to the gym.  And Monday night I’ll clean the house and cook some dinner.  And probably down a couple of diet grapefruit sodas.  But for the moment, it’s better than the alternative.

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9 responses to “Seven Days

  1. for ME sugar CAUSES the lowlevel feeling of frazzle and anxiety.

  2. (yeah thats supposed to be a POWERFUL ONE SENTENCE COMMENT. tho I gaze at it and it’s…not so)

  3. Way to go, girl! That’s a great accomplishment:) And I have to agree with Miz about the sugar-induced lows. Roller coaster – here I come!

  4. I’m so glad you were able to stick to your plan for the week. 🙂
    It’s funny – I’m the opposite with having stuff in the hosue I crave…it can’t be there or I eat it. I’ve never had a sugar thing…I tend to get aftershock headaches if I have too much of it. Not worth it. I find a glass of juice picks me up enough…
    I agree with you on the workout though…it’s the time of my day that is MINE. Noone can interrupt it (or they are doomed) and when I can fit it in I feel better and more sane for having the time to let my brain do what it needs, whether it be zone out, puzzle out a problem or just sing along to the music.

  5. *giggle* Miz, I thought it was a powerful one-sentence comment. 🙂 And yeah, the sugar definitely does contribute. Whether or not it’s responsible for the whole thing, I don’t know yet. I figure I’ll learn that as I go along and get further from massive sugar intake. I already started cutting back today. I had a week of “eat whatever you want, just don’t drink,” to get through the initial hump, and now I’m cutting that back, too. So it’ll be interesting to see how it affects my mood.

    Thanks, Charlotte! I’m pretty excited. Well, no. RELIEVED is a better word. But why are you approaching the roller coaster????

    Geosomin, sometimes I have that problem with food in the house. But if I HAVE it, then when I crave it, I tell myself that it’s there, and I can have it if I REALLY want it – but that it will be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after, and I can have it anytime. And knowing that it’s not “off-limits” makes it easier to realize that 90% of the time, I DON’T really want it. As for the wine that first week, all I had to do was remind myself that even though I thought I only wanted a glass, I’d feel compelled to keep drinking, since wine goes bad after a few days. Wouldn’t want to waste it! Ahem. And that was enough to remind me that I didn’t want to really drink a whole bottle, and that I WOULD if I opened one. And THAT was enough to make me not want it. Does that sort of make sense?

  6. I’m easing up on the alcohol, too, slightly different reasons. I forget that I’m not 200 pounds and I drink too much, and I don’t like the buzz. It’s never fun, just makes me tired, queasy, and dehydrated. I’ll still drink wine on a date (if I ever go on one), and I always have vodka in the house if I’m tired and hurting (1x/month?), but tonight I’ll drink tea when I go to the cafe.

    As for sugar, it goes both ways. A lot of it, or on an empty stomach will make me a bit jittery and moody, but small amounts can be very nice sometimes.

  7. I had to look down to see who wrote this post because as I read it, I thought maybe I had written it.

    Since the breakup in July, I can count on one hand how many drinks I’ve had and I fixed myself one at home – that was a fluke. We sure went thru a bunch of booze while IN the relationship though. Sheesh
    At the same time, I’ve lost track of how many ounces of chocolate I’ve eaten or how many “Skinny Cows” I’ve shoveled in. I can keep booze here without incident. I can’t keep chocolate very long.

    The underlying anxiety is the reason I attended that class this past weekend. That is the tune I play that I’d like to stop listening to; the feeling that urges me on to soothe myself with something and sometimes with almost anything. I have to be very careful what I keep in my house though, I could become a bartender.

  8. Marste,

    That is a great accomplishment -and it will get easier as you find activities and other things to fill the “wine” time. I have the “luck” that low-level anxiety is “calmed” by cleaning. You can tell when things are not going well, because my life is falling apart, but I have a clean house and LOTS of clean laundry. (Laundry = something I can do. ).

    Like you, I use my gym time as me time a lot. Except that I love to visit with the folks I know there. So for me it’s as much face-to-face time as anything. Still, give me the weights I want and my focus tightens.

    I’m a lot like you- I’m better if the food is there for when I really want it. I can leave it alone. Unfortunately, my hubs will devour it without control. Which makes me want to hide/hoard which makes me want to eat. Still haven’t found a workable balance there.

  9. Julie, I’d like to get back to the point where I can have liquor in the house and not drink it very often. I have a feeling I’ll miss my once-a-month-martini.

    POD, I hear you. I can usually keep one substance safely, but not the other. If I’m drinking a lot, I can keep chocolate in the house without binging. If I’m binging on chocolate, I can keep alcohol in the house without incident. It’s kind of weird. As for the relaxation, I need to drag out some of my spiritual books again and start reading. I need to get back to that calm mental state (without chemical help).

    Deb, LOL at the laundry! I totally get it, though. I clean for that reason. Sucks about your husband not being able to have certain things in the house, though. I’m not sure how I’d find that balance. Wow.

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