I’ve got a lot of stuff knocking around in my brain.
I’m still thinking about the separate blog thing. I definitely don’t want to run a weight-loss blog from here; I like the opportunity to do some serious navel-gazing self-reflection that I have here. And there are some pros and cons to running something like that at all.
On the one hand, I feel like if I have to write things down, it makes everything a little more real. It’s harder to ignore what I’m eating (and WHY I’m eating it) when I have to commit it to “paper.” So that’s good. And if I’m really going to commit to changing some things, well, writing things down also helps me spot the Crazy a lot faster. (It’s harder to delude myself that a diet consisting entirely of lettuce and Jolly Ranchers is normal when I see it in print. If I don’t write it down, I keep thinking, “Well, I’m just not hungry now. I’ll eat later . . . ” but “later” never really comes.) So those are both the pros in favor of a new blog.
I wouldn’t keep it all here, because I like having a place for dealing with more emotional shit, but also because I know I have at least a couple of readers with eating disorders of their own, and the last thing they need is to see calorie counts, weights, etc. I’m not out to make anyone crazy(ier). And honestly, I don’t want to be in the position of putting trigger warnings on everything. I just don’t want to think about it that closely.
On the other hand, I realized today that many years ago, I was on a Kind-of-Not-Crazy Diet (at a different time than my previous Not-Crazy Diet), and then I moved. I moved into a house with FULL-LENGTH MIRRORS ON THE CLOSETS. Just like now. And that’s when I went into full-on, batshit-crazy-diet mode, complete with lettuce and coffee and Jolly Ranchers and Tootsie Pops.
What’s that? Those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it? Yeah, yeah. (I think Winston Churchill said that, although I’m pretty sure George Santayana said it before him . . . well, not the “yeah, yeah” part. That was probably the Beatles. . . . What?)
ANYWAY. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure I can look at those mirrors and NOT aggressively pursue weight-loss, and I don’t have the money to have the doors replaced right now (yeah, I actually thought about doing that). So I’m back to the idea that if I had to show the world what I was doing (even if no one read it), I’d be too embarrassed to ACTUALLY be as disordered as I would probably wind up otherwise. (And no, I wouldn’t just lie. I don’t know why I feel like that would be EVEN WORSE – especially since I’ve lied about my eating habits in real life – but I do.)
And I’ve already been messing with the Not-Crazy Diet: keeping the criteria and adding calorie counts back in, that sort of thing. I’d like to not go overboard with that, especially without realizing it.
I’m kind of coming out in favor of a diet blog, here.
So I’ve been looking around at some diet blogs though, and SERIOUSLY WTF is up with some of these names? There are SO, SO many that are honestly just horrible. Names like “Fight the Fat” and “Escape the Weight” and “Running from the Muffin Top.” (All those names are made up, btw. I didn’t want to link to anyone in a derogatory manner.) But honestly, I can’t help looking at those names and thinking, “but what about when you’ve lost the weight, and you’re stuck with a blog name that is so negative and self-hating?”
Yes, I’m aware of the irony surrounding someone like me trashing on self-hate. Shut up already.
It just kind of makes me sad that so often people are framing weight loss as a fight or an escape from something or as running from something. What about running TO something? Or resolving to take care of yourself just because it’s your body and YOU ONLY GET ONE?
(Again. Yes. I see the irony here, since my aggressive weight-loss efforts are TOTALLY motivated by the fact that I currently hate my body and yes I know it’s disordered and all that. I KNOW. But – and this is key – that doesn’t mean I have to REINFORCE that belief, you know?)
Um. I forgot where I was going with that. My brain, it is not all here today. Soooo . . . I guess that is all. For now.