It’s been a hell of a weekend. No, make that a hell of a week.
I haven’t been sleeping all that well. I’ve been falling asleep late and waking up early, in addition to waking up several times a night. Me on no sleep is a bad, bad thing. I get depressed and overwhelmed and freaked out about EVERYTHING.
Also, all the closets in my new condo are mirrored. That’s great for checking to see if your shoes match your dress, but there is a reason that I haven’t had full-length mirrors in my house in years. I can’t turn around without seeing myself, and all I can think is “fat cow.” Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not – that’s how I perceive myself.
Between the lack of sleep (which makes me hungrier) and feeling bad about myself (which makes me anxious and panicky) and just the general stress of moving: the furniture-arranging, storage-finding, cable-box-returning, errand-running, getting-used-to-new-noises- . . . er, “ing,” I’ve been eating a lot of shit this week. And Doritos make everything better in the short term, but a lot worse in the long term. Problem is, when I’m so wrecked that I’m non-functional and all I want to do is sit and cry (and sometimes that’s really all I CAN do), I don’t give a good goddamn about the long term. I just want to be alone with my bag of Doritos.
And then I go back to my room and there are those damned mirrors.
Today I had a grade-A meltdown. I got home from the grocery and thought about the number of errands I still had to run and the number of things I still have to do, and I just lost it. I just sat on the couch and cried. And cried. And cried some more. And sobbed some, for good measure, some of those really loud ones. And then got REALLY hysterical, with those hiccupy sobs, until I couldn’t breathe, and some part of me finally went, “Oh for the love of God, KNOCK IT OFF.”
And I fell asleep on the couch.
And woke up 2 hours later.
And the world, while still overwhelming and still stressing me out, was not QUITE so unmanageable. I felt like I could at least put one foot in front of the other (and do it again, and then again), which I literally had not been able to do earlier.
So I got up and cooked salmon and yams and chopped tomatoes for Italian “salsa” to go on top of the salmon. I fixed food for the week. And I thought (again, again, again) about losing weight, and how I could do it, and IF I could do it, and what it would take. I still like my Not-Crazy diet. I’ll stick with that for now. The irony is that the one time I lost weight fairly successfully without being insane was during a time when I was doing something VERY close to the Not-Crazy diet. I’ve never lost more than 7 pounds on any “official” diet: not WW, not Atkins, not South Beach, not low-fat or low-carb or low-what-the-fuck-ever. I lost weight when I starved and I lost weight on something resembling the Not-Crazy diet. Since I’m not willing to go back to the former, I’m going back to the latter.
I’m thinking about starting a seperate diet blog. I don’t know if I’ll do it, but I’m thinking about it. It’ll either be TOTALLY helpful or TOTALLY destructive, and I don’t really know which. I have to think about it for a while.
But! I did one really important thing today! I signed up for my law school entrance exams! (*kisses $132 goodbye*) September 26th I’ll be sitting at a desk, taking my first school-type test in years! And I know it sounds weird to say, but I’m SO EXCITED. I know I can do this well. This is what I have always done best. And I kind of need to be the best at something right now.