Why no book review today? Because I’m still thinking about that perfectionism/super-smart post.
See, I don’t really have much of a problem losing weight (assuming that I’m not bingeing or drinking excessively). But invariably after a week or two or three, the weight loss stalls out, and often I regain most if not all of it.
I’ve been rolling the super-smart post around in my head, and it occurred to me that it applies to my eating/dieting/etc. I lose weight without a problem – UNTIL SOMEONE NOTICES. As soon as someone says, “Hey, you look great – have you lost weight?” I stop. Part of that is because I have an almost irrational and neurotic idea of what’s private and what’s public: I HATE having people comment on my body, no matter whether the statement is good or bad. But part of it is also because of that whole inability to live up to crazy-high standards. Part of it is that I feel resentful of all those crazy-high standards. And I know that when someone compliments me on a weight-loss, they’re not necessarily saying, “Thank God! Now just keep losing and you’ll look fine!” but that’s what I hear. And I just feel like, “Screw you. I don’t want to conform to what you want from me or live up to the potential you think I have. It’s TOO DAMN MUCH! Leave me alone!” So I stop losing weight.
It’s just . . . an INTERESTING phenomenon. If by “interesting,” you mean “oddly fucked-up and self-defeating.” Which I do. Ahem.
The REALLY hilarious part is that when you rebel against something, and base your choices on that rebellion, you’re STILL being controlled by the very thing you’re trying to throw off. When I say, “Screw you, I don’t HAVE to lose weight,” when in fact I WANT to lose weight, I’m still allowing other people’s expectations to make my choices for me. I’m only choosing the opposite thing because I think it’s the opposite of what OTHER people want. Hence, other people are still controlling my behaviors. See what I mean?
So. Short post tonight, because I’m still thinking on this. Knowing what’s CAUSED something doesn’t always help FIX it. So now I’ve got to think about how to fix it. If you’ve got any ideas, hit me in the comments.