This week I’ve been feeling ok. Getting up, out to the gym, feeling tired in the evenings, but pretty chipper most of the day.
But last night hit me like a ton of bricks. I practically staggered home from work, feeling like I wanted to cry.
Today is worse.
Part of it is stress. The stress of moving, of leaving an apartment that I frankly LOVE (although I keep reminding myself that the air conditioner doesn’t work worth a damn, and that’s a BIG minus when the temperature gets over 90 degrees, which it does for about 4 months of the year), of packing for the move, of buying a first home (and all the attendant money anxiety involved), of buying said home on my own, without the security of a second income, of law school preparations, oh, and let’s not forget the stress of trying to deal with my emotional shit instead of drowning it in wine or burying it in ice cream. Lots of stress. Lots.
But still. This was a hard stop as far as feeling better goes. WTF?
The only thing I can think of is that I ate a burger and some onion rings for lunch yesterday. I haven’t been eating a lot of crap, and I’m wondering if that’s it. I know my mom’s system started to get really sensitive to food changes when she was in her early 30s, and physically, I tend to take after her side of the family. And I KNOW today’s craptastic attitude is due at least in part to the fact that I drank and binged on crap food last night. But this feeling, this sudden depressive wall, hit yesterday AFTERNOON. Before the wine, before the binge. If I hadn’t suddenly felt like crying yesterday around 4:00, I’d chalk it up to “That’s what you get when you eat stupid food,” but this happened BEFORE.
Unless it was the burger and onion rings (which I didn’t even eat a lot of). Either that or it was a random occurrence, which has happened occasionally in the past – but it doesn’t happen often. And I keep coming back to my mom’s food sensitivities, and the fact that I take after her so much. And the fact that for about a week, I haven’t been eating crap. And the timing: lunch at noon, the depressive wall at 4:00.
Maybe the food on its own wouldn’t have put me under. But combined with my stress levels (which are better with exercise, but let’s be honest, they’re still high at the moment), my emotional system is NOT. HAPPY. I’m at work now, and truly I could sit here and cry, which is completely bizarre. I may just go home early today. Maybe do some yoga, pack a box or two, pick up new running shoes (my old ones are giving me blisters, dammit). God knows it’s not like I’m getting anything done here at the moment, anyway.