This week I’ve been feeling ok.  Getting up, out to the gym, feeling tired in the evenings, but pretty chipper most of the day.

But last night hit me like a ton of bricks.  I practically staggered home from work, feeling like I wanted to cry. 

Today is worse. 

Part of it is stress.  The stress of moving, of leaving an apartment that I frankly LOVE (although I keep reminding myself that the air conditioner doesn’t work worth a damn, and that’s a BIG minus when the temperature gets over 90 degrees, which it does for about 4 months of the year), of packing for the move, of buying a first home (and all the attendant money anxiety involved), of buying said home on my own, without the security of a second income, of law school preparations, oh, and let’s not forget the stress of trying to deal with my emotional shit instead of drowning it in wine or burying it in ice cream.  Lots of stress.  Lots. 

But still.  This was a hard stop as far as feeling better goes.  WTF? 

The only thing I can think of is that I ate a burger and some onion rings for lunch yesterday.  I haven’t been eating a lot of crap, and I’m wondering if that’s it.  I know my mom’s system started to get really sensitive to food changes when she was in her early 30s, and physically, I tend to take after her side of the family.  And I KNOW today’s craptastic attitude is due at least in part to the fact that I drank and binged on crap food last night.  But this feeling, this sudden depressive wall, hit yesterday AFTERNOON.  Before the wine, before the binge.  If I hadn’t suddenly felt like crying yesterday around 4:00, I’d chalk it up to “That’s what you get when you eat stupid food,” but this happened BEFORE.

Unless it was the burger and onion rings (which I didn’t even eat a lot of).  Either that or it was a random occurrence, which has happened occasionally in the past – but it doesn’t happen often.  And I keep coming back to my mom’s food sensitivities, and the fact that I take after her so much.  And the fact that for about a week, I haven’t been eating crap.  And the timing: lunch at noon, the depressive wall at 4:00. 

Maybe the food on its own wouldn’t have put me under.  But combined with my stress levels (which are better with exercise, but let’s be honest, they’re still high at the moment), my emotional system is NOT. HAPPY.  I’m at work now, and truly I could sit here and cry, which is completely bizarre.   I may just go home early today.  Maybe do some yoga, pack a box or two, pick up new running shoes (my old ones are giving me blisters, dammit).  God knows it’s not like I’m getting anything done here at the moment, anyway.


7 responses to “WTF?

  1. Oh, dear. Must have been the onion rings. They were probably loaded with MSG or something.

    Take the rest of the day off – get some exercise. Pack up a box or two. Or do what I do.

    On second thought, don’t do what I do. You tried that already……

  2. how did you feel after you had the burger and onion rings? were you tough on yourself about it? that could have set up a spiral. It does for me sometimes.


  3. I used to start feeling down and depressed every afternoon, right about 4 o’clock. Went on for years. About six months ago, I noticed the 4 o’clock sadness had stopped. (All the more amazing considering this mood went away in winter, when I also get SAD.)

    By trial and error, I found that if I go a few days without eating those damn green leafy things, the 4 o’clock mood comes back. Maybe something to do with levels of B vitamins in the system?

  4. Stop blaming the food and yourself! Moving house and buying a house are two of the most stressful things that anybody will have to deal with in their lives outside of grief. People who normally blunder through their lives without thinking about anything at all go into MELTDOWN when they do this. C’mon, I’ve seen it happen to loads of my friends and I bet you have too. And all this and law school too?? You’re taking massive steps, these are massive changes, and although they are obviously brilliant and exciting you are allowed to feel apprehensive and anxious, and this will spill over into other areas of your life every now and then because (as much as we try to deny it) we are only human. We need to give ourselves a break. You are doing brilliantly, you are being so brave, you’re doing wonderfully now and in six months time when all this has settled down you will be FLYING.

    Thinking of you.

    TA x


    for me eating clean is such a fantastic thing (energy calm yada yada yada) BUT Ive found Im way way way more sensitive to the crap in that it DEPRESSES MY ENTIRE SYSTEM!

    I feel physically like crap and I also feel mentally cloggedandcrappy as well.

    thinking about you this morning. I know this is all so freakin stressful and hard and yet it is all so needed to emerge the other side as the woman you are becoming.


  6. *giggle* Bag Lady, you crack me up! Yes, I don’t think wine will help this one. 😉

    Sarah, you know, I wasn’t emotionally tough on myself, but I did have some anxiety over it, and I definitely had the post-lunch need for a nap (which I don’t usually have). Maybe a combo of bad food and bad attitude?

    Hey, Mary! I seem to do ok with the B vitamins, but there might be something else in the veggies that I’m missing. I’ve noticed that in the last week or so my fresh food consumption has dropped, though I’m not sure why . . .

    Hee! TA, I love you. 🙂 I hear what you’re saying about the stress, and I’m sure that’s DEFINITELY playing a part. I’m just thinking that the food I’m eating might have a bigger physical impact at the moment than it has in the past: maybe due to my family’s odd sensitivities, and maybe also due to the fact that I’m so run down EMOTIONALLY that my body is relying more on the food nutrition than it usually has to.

    Carla, THANK YOU for this: I know this is all so freakin stressful and hard and yet it is all so needed to emerge the other side as the woman you are becoming. Sometimes it’s easy to lose track of the “becoming” part and get stuck in the “stuck” part. *hugs*

  7. Funny how when our moods shift the first thing we look at was the last thing we ate.

    Mid-afternoon mood crashes often come from what ate for breakfast -or didn’t. And stress all by itself can create these mood shifts, as can not enough sleep and too little exercise.

    Yet we examine what we ate and beat ourselves up about it.

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