Self-Examination is Fun! Um. Or not.

So after yesterday, I had some thinking to do.

Some suggestions were really helpful, and in fact were things that I’d done in the past, and that DID help.  Funny how I conveniently “forget” those when I’m in the throes of Crazy.

Some suggestions were things that I’ve done that didn’t work, or that were detrimental when I tried them.  Then again, that was many years ago, so they might not be so hard on me now.

But I did notice, particularly in response to the advice to just get the substance out of the house, that my whole system went “NONONONONONONONONO!”  Yeeeeeah.  Which then leads to the question, “Do you really want things to be different?”  If not, no harm, no foul.  I’m a grown person who gets to make that decision.  But if that’s the case, then I have to SHUT THE HELL UP about the bingeing. 

And if I really DO want to change, then the things that are easy to do should be done, but the thing that are HARD to do should REALLY be done.  Rip the band-aid off, so to speak.  Or at least remember that reaction, and as I make smaller changes, get ready to tackle the big ones.

See, here’s the thing.  In my body, sugar really IS a toxin.  If I eat a pint of ice cream/too much pasta/too much alcohol/whatever, I have a hangover the next day.  A sour stomach, cold-sweat, heart-pounding-because-of-dangerously-low-blood-sugar hangover.  That’s NOT normal.  That’s because I’ve messed my system up so much with the bingeing (and the starving and the exercise-purging) that my body doesn’t really know what the hell to do with itself anymore.

My doctor told me flat-out that if I really wanted to reset my body on the fast track, I’d be looking at chicken, fish, plant-based oils and vegetables (and pretty much nothing else) for anywhere from several months to a year.  At that point, my chemical makeup would start to normalize.  I don’t really think I have the will to do something QUITE that extreme, though.  But the drama of the example sticks in my head.

So.  If I really want to make changes, I have to stop doing the SAME DAMN THING that got me into this mess.  And in order to do that, I have to examine if I’m really WILLING to give up the coping mechanisms I’ve used up until now.  And it all boils down to fear: fear of not being able to handle myself, my life, adversity, all that.

So the question isn’t even really about the food.  The question is whether I live my life from my heart, or whether I live it from my fears.  Up to now (for the most part) it’s been the latter.  And the frantic, panicked reaction I had to the specific suggestion of getting the food out of the house just pointed that out.

Faith or fear.  That’s really the issue.


5 responses to “Self-Examination is Fun! Um. Or not.

  1. Oh Woman you have so nailed it.
    From the ripping off of the bandaid (TOTALLY the phrase my friends and I used in college when we knowingly eeeeked that sucker off slowly and prolonged every.single.angst) to the fear or faith.
    For me the fear more manifested itself as WORRY and my saving grace was the realization of worrying being praying for what I didnt want.
    Getting that concept stuck in my cranium REALLY helped me to break from the cycle of frettage (WHAT IF I FAIL?) as I immediately began to turn it into positive (I WILL SUCCEED).

    silly but true.
    small but entirely changed my world view.

  2. Good luck moving from fear to faith!

  3. Yeah Miz, I think the “fear or faith” is really the root of it. I’m going back to Beckwith’s church on Sunday for exactly that reason. (I haven’t been going lately, and I actually feel crazier when I don’t go get the reminders.)

    Thanks, Crabby!

  4. Here is something I do often — I try to slow and deepen my breathing and I close my eyes. I try to visualize fear leaving my body on the out breath. It’s like a dark cloud coming out of me. Then, on the in breath, I visualize faith entering my body. For me it looks like a golden light.

    Breathe in faith, breathe out fear.

    Also remember that FEAR can stand for “fuck everything and run” or “face everything and recover.” You get to decide which it is at any given moment.

    FEAR also can stand for “false evidence appearing real.”

    Sorry to get so 12-steppy on you but these slogans really can help!


  5. No, no, no, Sarah, I acutally like a LOT of the 12-step stuff, so don’t ever feel like you have to apologize for it. 🙂 I just part company with the idea that I’ll never get better, you know?

    I’ve heard “false evidence appearing real,” but not the other two. I really like “face everything and recover.”

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