So after yesterday, I had some thinking to do.
Some suggestions were really helpful, and in fact were things that I’d done in the past, and that DID help. Funny how I conveniently “forget” those when I’m in the throes of Crazy.
Some suggestions were things that I’ve done that didn’t work, or that were detrimental when I tried them. Then again, that was many years ago, so they might not be so hard on me now.
But I did notice, particularly in response to the advice to just get the substance out of the house, that my whole system went “NONONONONONONONONO!” Yeeeeeah. Which then leads to the question, “Do you really want things to be different?” If not, no harm, no foul. I’m a grown person who gets to make that decision. But if that’s the case, then I have to SHUT THE HELL UP about the bingeing.
And if I really DO want to change, then the things that are easy to do should be done, but the thing that are HARD to do should REALLY be done. Rip the band-aid off, so to speak. Or at least remember that reaction, and as I make smaller changes, get ready to tackle the big ones.
See, here’s the thing. In my body, sugar really IS a toxin. If I eat a pint of ice cream/too much pasta/too much alcohol/whatever, I have a hangover the next day. A sour stomach, cold-sweat, heart-pounding-because-of-dangerously-low-blood-sugar hangover. That’s NOT normal. That’s because I’ve messed my system up so much with the bingeing (and the starving and the exercise-purging) that my body doesn’t really know what the hell to do with itself anymore.
My doctor told me flat-out that if I really wanted to reset my body on the fast track, I’d be looking at chicken, fish, plant-based oils and vegetables (and pretty much nothing else) for anywhere from several months to a year. At that point, my chemical makeup would start to normalize. I don’t really think I have the will to do something QUITE that extreme, though. But the drama of the example sticks in my head.
So. If I really want to make changes, I have to stop doing the SAME DAMN THING that got me into this mess. And in order to do that, I have to examine if I’m really WILLING to give up the coping mechanisms I’ve used up until now. And it all boils down to fear: fear of not being able to handle myself, my life, adversity, all that.
So the question isn’t even really about the food. The question is whether I live my life from my heart, or whether I live it from my fears. Up to now (for the most part) it’s been the latter. And the frantic, panicked reaction I had to the specific suggestion of getting the food out of the house just pointed that out.
Faith or fear. That’s really the issue.