When I start trying to take better care of myself; when I start trying to rename/reframe/re-whatever things in my head, I run into the following internal conversations:
Tonight I’ll honor my body and take care of it by not eating an entire pint of ice cream. I had a good dinner; now I’ll just go to bed.
Maybe a LITTLE ice cream. Moderation is good, right?
No. Right now I don’t have the control for moderation, so no ice cream. I’m going to let my body detox from the sugar.
(Already on the way to the fridge)
A-ha! You said CONTROL. That’s a bad, judgmental word. You’re supposed to take CARE of yourself, not CONTROL yourself. Moderation!
Hey! Knock it OFF! *deep breath, calms down* Put the ice cream back. Just for tonight, let’s care for our body in a comforting manner. Just for tonight.
Ice cream IS comforting.
NO! WHAT PART OF “NO” DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND??!!
(Already inhaling ice cream)
FUCK YOU! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? DON’T YOU FUCKING TELL *ME* WHAT TO FUCKING DO!!!!! I WILL FUCKING EAT FUCKING ICE CREAM IF I FUCKING WANT TO!!!
Um. Yeah. Leeeeeeeeetle bit of insanity there. So what do you do? Is my inner brat just over developed? Is it just a straightforward matter of “suck it up and override the brat, NO MATTER WHAT?” Or is there something bigger? (Yeah, ok, there’s a lot of rage in there. But WHY? How do I find the trigger?)
SEEING the problem is only half the battle. I can see it; I just can’t figure out how to fucking STOP it. Any tips or hints or advice would be much appreciated.