Back and Forth, Back and Forth

I love finding random song quotes for post titles, but I couldn’t find one about mood swings.  Go figure. 

Wednesday was a great day.  I went to the gym, but didn’t go in; instead I ended up power-walking the neighborhood, listening to the birds and breathing deeply to burn off stress.  Thursday was slightly less great: WAY more tired, didn’t get out of bed to go to the gym, wanted to eat junk food all day (but drew the line after a single soy mocha, so I considered the day a win).  No idea how Friday will be. 

Overall I’m getting pretty blase about the condo.  Not because I don’t want it, but simply because I couldn’t handle the stress of worrying about it.  I hit critical mass, and just . . . disconnected, emotionally.  It’s better this way, actually.  I just wish I didn’t have to get SO stressed out before I’m able to disconnect.  Whatever happens, happens.  I’m just along for the ride, now. 

I’m feeling strangely weepy lately.  I think I’m grieving an old life.  I’m looking at going to law school next year, so that means I’m really, TRULY moving out of acting, which I’ve always, always, ALWAYS done.  Since I’m moving, I’m cleaning out my acting books (I’ll keep a few – the ones that mean something to me – but there’s no reason to keep them ALL), so that’s taking its toll.  I’ve actually got a few actor-girlfriends coming over for brunch on Saturday morning to go through my books and take what they want, because somehow it’s easier for me to give the stuff away if I know it’s going to good homes, so to speak.  The thought of just giving all those books to the Goodwill makes me want to cry (never mind the fact that this is LOS ANGELES, so even at the Goodwill, they’ll end up in “good homes” – I never said I was rational). 

Buying a home is kind of a demarcation, too.  As long as I rent, I can always go home if I need to.  If I got laid off tomorrow, I could move home if I had to, with few repercussions.  But once I buy a home, I’m in for the long haul.  I have to take more responsibility.  I can’t just pack up and go home – at least, not without SERIOUS consequences to my credit rating (which I just found out is over 800, by the way – woo-hoo!).  So that’s a new transition.

I feel lately like I’m not saying much about food and drinking and exercise and how I’m dealing with things.  And I guess that’s because I’m kind of NOT dealing with things.  If I’m not eating mac’n’cheese (my comfort food of choice), I’m drinking, and if I’m not drinking I’m spending money, and no matter WHAT I’m doing, I haven’t been going to the gym.  The one consistent thing I started doing that’s GOOD for me this week is getting enough sleep.  I’m hoping that leads to more gym time.

I AM learning that I really need to plan my days: my diet, my exercise, the whole 9 yards.  If I don’t plan, I end up eating burgers and curly fries at the commissary and drinking heavily at night.  But if I plan, it takes the impulsiveness out of it.  There’s a comfort in the order of a food plan that I find sort of stabilizing, but I have to be a little careful even there: it’s a fine line for me between stabilizing and compulsive. 

At the moment I’ve pretty much written off the rest of the week.  Not COMPLETELY, but I’m going to settle for doing well about 60% of the time this week.  I’ll get back on all the wagons: food, exercise, drinking – next week.  For the moment, I consider it a success if I’m not getting wasted every night, not eating burgers and curly fries every day for lunch, and getting a reasonable amount of sleep at night.  This week, that has to be enough. 

But I DO have to remind myself constantly that just because this week is a tough one doesn’t mean that I have earned an Epic Fail at the whole “eat better, exercise more” thing.  It just means that this week is tough.  Next week will be better.  Especially because now I know I need a plan: a weekly plan and a daily plan.  Me without a plan is a non-exercising, burger-eating wreck.  Last week was good because I had a plan.  This week, not so much.  So next week I need a plan.

Good to know.

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5 responses to “Back and Forth, Back and Forth

  1. I can relate to the weepiness. Haven’t quite figured out what is going on with me yet, but feel sad and weepy, too.

    And I definitely can relate to how upsetting it is to give up a dream, or to lose something important.

    I was involved in amateur theatre for many years, sang in choirs, at weddings, etc. — until I ruptured my vocal chords. Completely lost my upper range. Have consulted a couple of specialists, but to no avail.
    It’s been quite a long time since I had to give up my ‘dream’, but I still mourn the loss of my voice, and can no longer listen to certain types of music (Les Miserables will make me lie on the floor and sob).
    I had no idea how closely tied my ability to sing was with my sense of identity. I have had to recreate myself in my mind, and it has not been easy. I still struggle with it a lot.

    Good luck to you.

  2. Ah, I’m the mood swing queen these days! And you’re right about the plan being essential. I’m the same way. And yet, when I think I need to plan, my mind rebels. It loves a good cause to riot against;)

  3. Hey there, be gentle with yourself. And sorry about the books. It sounds like it’s hard to physically let go of them and all they symbolize. I’m glad you found good homes for them – hey, if it makes you feel better – fine. For what it’s worth I kind of understand. I moved last summer and gave away half of my books. Every once in a while I get a twinge when I look for my battered copy of this or that, but it happens less and less. Change is scary. Glad you’re writing about it.

  4. Oh man, BL, I’m sorry about your voice. I know EXACTLY what you mean about having your identity tied up in something like that.

    Charlotte, at least you have a good reason to have mood swings! 😉 I have to admit that I’m the queen of rebellion, too. I used to have plans, though: I have to remember how I managed to do that without just rebelling all the freakin’ time.

    Thanks, Nicole. I’ve been pretty good about cleaning out my books over the last few years, but yeah, they’ve all been hard to give away. (When I counted up and realized I had more than a thousand, I decided maybe I should clean them out! I probably have a couple hundred still, though.) It always sort of strikes me as funny and ironic that something as inevitable as change should be so damn scary, though.

  5. I just went back over the house posts on my Sheesh blog — it is amazing that I survived, but things got Much better Very soon after the closing. And after the moving. Keep posting your House experiences up here; they’ll be useful to look back on next year.

    About the planning ahead re eating. Pasta Queen’s memoir had a sentence that I wrote down so I wouldn’t forget it. Paraphrased, it was “Waiting until I was hungry to decide what to eat was like waiting until I was drunk to start driving.”

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