I Can Do This

 I’ve been slowly but surely falling off the wagon.  It’s hard to create new habits when I’m not sleeping more than 5 hours a night, and stress is giving me stomachaches so severe that I have trouble keeping food down.  And frankly, I’m too damn tired and stressed to care.  So my mood has been getting bleaker and bleaker, and I KNOW I would feel better if I ran some anxiety off on the treadmill, but at 4:30 in the morning I just don’t give a damn.  So I’ve been watching myself as though through a glass, knowing what’s coming, not wanting to deal, but unable to halt the descent.

Which is why I’m so glad for all of you guys.  Today MizFit posted this.  And I thought, “I could shake things up by NOT FALLING OFF THE DAMN WAGON.”  And it was a nudge. 

And then Attrice posted this.  And I thought, “I have to stop beating myself up.  I have to remember that where I am IS OK.  I have to remember that if all I can do is walk around the block, it is ENOUGH.  And I have to remember that losing weight and getting fit won’t magically make these days disappear altogether.  There will still be bad days, and they will still feel like this, and I will get up and work out and eat right and take care of myself because now, more than ever, my body needs it.”

And THEN The Family of Things wrote this.  And specifically, she said this:
It’s often too easy for me to break promises to myself [regarding food and exercise] (with the excuse of, “Well, who am I hurting?”), but I’m trying to honor those promises now with the same focus I would honor promises to anyone else.  I should give myself the same respect I would another person, right?
I had thought about my own stuff in those terms before, but I hadn’t thought about it that way in a long time.  It was a good reminder to me: I wouldn’t break promises to others, even if I was tired and stressed out.  I might have bad days, but I would do my damndest to follow through, and if I failed one day, I would redouble my efforts the next.  So why am a shooting myself in the foot?  Why do I think I’m not worth the same effort I would put out for someone else?  That way lies madness. 

So I came home and watched  some TV, and requested a jury-duty postponement (because they want me to report the week before escrow closes on my condo), and got some things done, and decided to go to bed early and get up and go to the gym in the morning.  I don’t feel like doing weights, which I’ve been doing MWF, but I decided that something is better than nothing, and if all I want to do is zone out on the treadmill tomorrow, then screw the weights.  (I actually prefer running to lifting when I’m stressed: there’s something meditative and hypnotic about the rhythm of my feet striking the ground/belt that lulls me into mindlessness, even when I’m watching TV on my iPod.)

I will concede that chicken and broccoli for lunch today was a BAD idea, though.  My body is too tired and stressed to digest more than simple carbs.  So I’ll do my best to choke down some pasta at lunch (because right now I’d just prefer not to eat ANYTHING, and one meal is better than none, right?), or maybe some chocolate soy milk with protein powder.  And I’ll go run off the anxiety.  (Or walk.  Depending on how much or little I’m eating.)

So I just wanted to say thanks.  You should all know that you make a difference, or at least you did to me, today.  I can get through the next few months, a little bit at a time.

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6 responses to “I Can Do This

  1. girl, you made my morning.

    im the haze of some blog malaise I needed this I MAKE A DIFFERENCE EVEN IT IM PO’ pick me up.

    Carla

  2. I think it’s really important to learn to forgive and be kind to ourselves. We all have bad days, whether due to stress, pms, headaches, whatever. Expecting perfect compliance is unrealistic, it’s just best to allow ourselves a break occasionally and get back “on the wagon” when we’re able. A day or two of simple carbs and no exercise won’t matter much in the long run, unless you stress out and binge. I think this is one of the reasons that I’m having success with this, is that I assume there’s going to be days now and then where I just don’t feel like it. I find that if I don’t let these days become emotionally charged, I may eat crappy, but I still don’t really go overboard, mostly because I’m out of the habit of stuffing myself. If I want to eat only bread with cheese and ice cream, I allow it, don’t stuff myself, and move on. And sometimes I’m not up for the gym, and a walk around the neighborhood, or a hike in the woods (a reset button for me), is all up I’m for, and that’s ok. Sometimes I’ve just got to take care of my mental health, and put the weight thing on the back burner.

    Congrats on the condo thing, I bought a house 9 years ago, and I remember it being stressful. It was really expensive, but now it pays for itself, and half of my current rent! Just think how amazing it’ll be when you are in your own place!

  3. This is one of the best posts I’ve ever read on the good that blogging can do. You’ll get through this rough patch girl, I know you will:)
    PS> And yes – EAT.

  4. “Why do I think I’m not worth the same effort I would put out for someone else?”

    I have been thinking this quite a bit lately, as I have been going through a rough patch too. I was looking at my dogs running and playing tonight and as I was feeding them, I thought that there was no way I would ever stuff them or force feed them or what have you. I would never do that to a friend or family member, so why do I do it to myself?

    Thanks so much for the links and the encouraging read. Today was a successful day for me and you are giving me great motivation to go into tomorrow. Hang in there and take care!!

  5. Hi. I’m Jenna’s blue-haired friend Nezu. I just wanted to tell you thank you. I really, really needed to hear this today. I needed to hear it so much it made me cry, and not just tear up a little, but catch my breath on a sob I’d had no idea I was holding back. So thank you. Thank you for reminding me that keeping promises to myself is at least as important as keeping the ones I make to others.

    For what it’s worth, I’m cheering for you.

  6. Miz, I’m glad. You DO make a difference, you know. Usually when I’m commenting the least is when I’m reading the hardest. Backwards, isn’t it? 😉

    Julie, I’m working really hard on remembering what you’re talking about: that there will be days (weeks even!) where I’m not “perfect,” if in fact I’m EVER “perfect.” I just have to remember to be nice to myself even when I’m not perfect, you know? Argh.

    Thanks, Charlotte. *giggle* And yes, I’m eating. 🙂

    Thanks, Sara – you hang in there, too!

    Hey, Nezu! Welcome! 🙂 I know that feeling. I had it reading some of those things I linked to above. *hugs*

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