I seem to have gone to ground the last several days (not to mention the week that I was gone). I’m not 100% sure why, although I know some of it. For a while I was really struggling not to just sabotage myself completely, struggling not to binge and starve and sleep. I’m not sure what triggered it, but I’d guess part of it was the stress of the last month or so (ShoWest is ALWAYS stressful – so is ShowEast, for that matter), and part of it was feeling like I’d fallen off the workout wagon AGAIN and that made me a bad person.
All that kind of self-indulgent crap.
But I’ve noticed that the “down” periods between the “normal” periods are becoming shorter. It takes me less time to recover from them, to pull myself up by my fingernails, set my jaw and decide that I will not be beaten. And my productive periods are longer, too. I can go longer before the crash, longer between the periods of depression and rage. I *think* that’s a good sign. Maybe after a while they’ll just slowly stop showing up altogether. That would be really nice.
I’m tired of being this person. I wasn’t always; for a while (at least a year or two in elementary school ;)) I was pretty normal. There have been extended periods of self-discipline in my life. I’m not sure where that person went, but I want her back. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about “building a better mousetrap,” only in this case, it’s more about “building a better me.”
I did that in college: spent the better part of a year thinking about what I wanted, and then just . . . CHANGING somehow to get it. Created a whole new me, out of my head. And it wasn’t a facade – or rather, it wasn’t after a while. It was like vines growing up around a tree, until they actually embed themselves in the tree and become part of it. (Well, some kinds of vines do that. Other kinds kill the tree. But let’s not go there.) I’d put on this suit of vines, and after a while it was just PART of me.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. About who I want to be – not in the abstract, but in the very minutely specific. Do I want to be someone who gets out of bed at 7:00am or 8:00am? Do I want to be someone who works out every day or just a few days a week? Do I want to be someone more active than I’ve been in the past? If so, how? Do I want to hike? Dance? Go back to martial arts? If I want a skill, how good do I want to be? Do I want to dance semi-professionally? Do I want a black belt?
But even more than that, if I imagine myself as I would want to be, does THAT person have a black belt? Does she work out every day? What does she eat? Does she like sports? What kind of job does she have? Does she stay in or go out? How often? How many friends does she have? From where?
And I’ve slowly, slowly been starting to sort out that person. Just in the last few days I’ve had the internal conversations about not wanting to do something, and then the comeback thought – I’m going to build a better me. Like a robot or a doll, only less creepy, LOL. I’m building a whole new personality, a new body, a new mind, a new way of dealing with the world. Obviously to a certain extent I’ll always be the same person, but I’m tired of this specific person. I’m tired of the maladaptive coping mechanisms and the low self-esteem. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t accomplish anything. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough.
I’m not sure that putting on a new suit of . . . of “personality” I guess, is the best way to do it, but it’s worked for me in the past. I like to know what I’m evolving toward, LOL. I wonder who I’ll be this time next year. I’m pretty sure I won’t be me anymore.