So after reading The Metabolic Diet and hearing pretty much the EXACT SAME THING from my doctor, I’ve been trying to figure out how to make it work for me. (That in itself is sort of hilarious, in my opinion. Leave it to someone with control issues to decide that I can’t just eat what I’m supposed to eat – I have to “make it work.”)
I’ve also been reading The New Rules of Lifting for Women (reviewed by MizFit here), and really enjoying it. It helps that it actually fits EXACTLY in with what my metabolic diet (MD) and my doctor’s diet (DD) are, too.
I’m trying really hard to make peace with my body. I’m finally really understanding (not just intellectually, because I’ve known that for a long time, but EMOTIONALLY for the first time) that no matter what I do or don’t do, no matter what I eat or don’t eat (or how much), I will NEVER have a ballerina’s body. I will never look like Charlize Theron or Julia Roberts or the models in the catalogs. My body is not built to look like that.
When I really started to understand that, I started actively looking for someone who looked like ME. Someone with my body type, even if they were in better shape, because at least that way I had a (slightly) more realistic idea of what I could do if I committed myself. I have a body like Jessica Biel (if she had boobs) or Britney Spears (which I find sort of annoying because I don’t particularly LIKE her, but I’ll admit that when she’s touring, she looks DAMN good). I have a body that puts on muscle like crazy, that gets definition without TOO much work, and that has more propulsive power than inertial power (meaning that when I danced, I was a “jumper” as opposed to say, a “turner” or a “balancer”).
See, I have this habit of collecting information and then not doing anything with it, because I find it overwhelming. But over the last month or two (as my blog has been quiet, except for the occasional “percolating” post), I’ve been . . . well, percolating. I’m just realizing that all the reading/watching/navel-gazing I’ve been doing for the last couple of months really DID have a purpose. I’ve been sifting through things, looking for answers, looking – REALLY looking – for what would work for ME. I haven’t been posting about it because it’s never a conscious process for me. It’s not like I read something and think, “well, this might work, but this part of it is a problem.” It’s more like I read things and think, “hmmm . . . interesting,” and file it away in my head. Eventually there’s enough info in the files for my subconscious to start putting various pieces together. (I worked this way even as a kid. I call it the “macro-puzzle” phenomenon. It’s the same part of me that could look at a math problem beyond my grade level and get the right answer – but I couldn’t show my work, because I didn’t know HOW I’d gotten that answer. The puzzling all happened unconsciously. My teachers LOVED that. *rolls eyes*)
So I’m realizing now that I’ve been macro-puzzling for the last two months or so. My brain is finally starting to toss out possible things, and (as always) it’s like a revelation in my head: “oh, what I read in THAT book fits HERE, and what I heard from THAT person fits HERE, and they kind of both work with THAT thing I read on someone’s blog THERE.” See what I mean?
ANYWAY. I have a point, I swear. But I’m (unintentionally) writing this post in the same macro-puzzle way that I think: disparate pieces of info that will eventually come together. I swear I’ll get there. 😉
One of the food-based things I keep running into is how to keep track of my food without making myself totally freakin’ insane. I have to admit that in some ways, WW is good for that: the Points system is small numbers, straightforward (once you get the hang of it) and easy to use. It also leads to a nutrition plan that is TOTALLY WRONG for me. See, as you lose weight, you get fewer Points. Points are affected by the amount of calories, fat and fiber in a food. Fat and calories raise Points, fiber lowers them. Can you start to see where that might lead to a diet that’s not exactly high-protein? If I eat the way I’m supposed to eat according to my doctor and the M. Diet, I go OFF THE CHARTS for the Points. If I eat within my Points and follow the WW program, it’s flat-out not enough food. I’m hungry and cranky all the time. (And of course, being hungry leads to its own ED problems.) Not only that, but the lowest my weight has ever been on WW was 175. I’ve never been able to get it any lower using that plan, though I’ve been (healthily) lower than that at other times – mostly through crazy amounts of exercise, but still. So on the one hand, the plan is easy to follow, and it’s familiar (which makes me want to cling to it like a child with a blanket), but on the other (more important) hand, I already know that it doesn’t work for me. If I continue to follow it, I’m just beating my head against a brick wall.
But I like journaling, so I have to figure out what else to journal. I’ve tried to track calories, fat, protein and carbs, but that’s so much info that I get overwhelmed and obssessive about it. But if I don’t journal at all, I forget how many “just this once” moments I have, and I derail myself.
Normally, this is where I throw in the towel, and say “Fuck it. I don’t care.” But I’m tired of not caring. I’m tired of not feeling well in the morning. I’m tired of being hungry or bloated or feeling hungover (even without alcohol). I have to find SOMETHING.
But this is getting LONG, even for me. I’ll post the second half tomorrow.