Sorry for the lack of posts this week. (Although last week I came pretty damn close to posting every day – I think I missed Monday, but otherwise, yay! for meeting goals!)
I’ve just been feeling sort of down. Not sad, exactly, and not anxious. Just . . . heavy in my soul. And tired this week, SO tired. I go to bed at 9:00 or 9:30 and wake up at 4:00, 4:30, 5:15, 5:35, 6:15, and then my alarm goes off at 6:30. At first I thought I was getting enough sleep, so I started going to bed an hour later, figuring I’d wake up around 5:00.
BAD idea. I was too tired to think for about 2 days. Same number of hours, but my natural body rhythm is to go to bed early and get up early. Trying to go to bed later feels like less sleep, even when it’s the same number of hours. Weird, but there it is.
I don’t know if it’s the weather, the sleep, or the realization that there are no more work holidays until MAY. MAY, for God’s sake. LOL. I do remember having a hard time every year around this time when I was in school, though. The holidays are over, and spring isn’t here. There’s just the cold grey sky of winter.
The funny thing is, I LIKE that cold grey sky. But it does seem sort of never-ending sometimes. Not in a time sense (let’s not forget I live in California, where even in winter, blue skies outnumber grey). But more in a SPATIAL sense. Like if I got in my car and drove for hours, there would still be that same grey sky, like the inside of a mixing bowl tipped over me.
I asked my holistic doctor about this at one point. It’s nights like this that I tend to binge or drink too much. Anything to get away from this heavy, melancholy feeling. She actually gave me some supplements that I take twice a day, and they really do help a lot. But even with the mitigating effect of the supplements, I tend to feel down this time of year.
AND I think it doesn’t help that I forgot to meditate at ALL last week. When I meditate, even just for 10 minutes at a time, it makes a HUGE difference in my outlook. So I’ll be going back to that tonight, and hope it helps.
But in the interim . . . there’s just a curious sort of weight to everything. Everything feels heavy and melancholy.