Because Some Days I Don’t Feel Like Writing Angsty Stuff

So I’m reposting.  From FOREVER ago, so I don’t think anyone here has read this.  But it was definitely funny.  In retrospect, I mean.  It was not funny AT ALL at the time. 

Oh, but first – go check the cooking blog!  My mom has her first post EVER in blog-land up!  And it’s a really good recipe: low carb, vegetarian comfort food.  Life does not get better.  (Man, I’m super proud of her for posting all this stuff.  She hardly even answers email!)

But back to the repost: I give you . . .

The All-New, Totally True Adventures of Spydra, the Spider-Catching Queen of the Amazon!!

It’s 4AM. Yes, Virginia, there’s an AM. My alarm goes off, and I hit snooze, wondering what in the hell possessed me to think that getting up at 4 would be a good idea. I hit snooze a few more times, and finally drag my ass out of bed at 4:45. I stagger into the bathroom still bleary-eyed and sit with my head in my hands, wondering AGAIN why I thought this would be a good idea. As I reach for the toilet paper, for some reason I glance over at the roll. I don’t usually look at it – it’s not like it’s going to be in a different place from before, and I use the restroom often enough to know where the paper is without double-checking the location – but this morning I look. And thank God, because my hand freezes about 3 inches away from A GIANT FUCKING BLACK SPIDER half-hidden under the first sheet of paper on the roll. I half-successfully stifle a scream (I’m staying with my grandparents and I don’t want to wake them at 4:45 in the morning), and immediately lean as far away from the roll as I can without actually getting up from the toilet. I remain in this remarkably uncomfortable position for a minute or two, contemplating my options, none of which are terribly appealing. FINALLY I remember that I had stashed an extra roll behind the toilet the other day for God knows what reason, so I lean around, grab the roll and get the hell away from that spider as fast as I can.

Now I am standing in my bathroom, buck naked, contemplating the GIANT FUCKING BLACK SPIDER that has taken up residence on my toilet paper roll. Squashing is not an alternative: I hate the sound, I hate the mess and as a general rule I really do try not to kill things. I consider letting it live in the bathroom, but I wouldn’t want to step on it barefoot by accident, and frankly, it looks (in the admittedly poor light) like it might possibly be a black widow, which are relatively abundant in sunny SoCal. And there is NO WAY IN HELL I’m sharing space with a black widow. If push comes to shove I will have to kill it, just in case it IS a black widow, but I’d really rather not. I back slowly out of the bathroom, praying it’s not a jumping spider (which are harmless, except for the heart attack they give you when they JUMP AT YOU), and go looking for a “Spider-Catching Kit.”

(A Spider-Catching Kit is a Tupperware, a piece of paper and a thin hard piece of something else; a clipboard for instance, or the back of a notepad. You put the Tupperware over the spider, slide the paper underneath, then the hard piece of whatever, hold it all together really tightly, carry it outside, set it on the ground and remove the hard piece and the paper. When you can see the spider on the ground, you lift the Tupperware off of it and (this part is very important) RUN LIKE HELL.)

I find a wide-mouthed water bottle, and immediately discard it because I am too damn chicken to give myself that little “mess-up space” in case the damn thing runs. I find a slightly larger container, but I’m not sure it will fit on the roll without leaving a gaping space for the GIANT FUCKING BLACK SPIDER to run through – probably toward me. I test it out on the other roll of paper, and sure enough, there’s a good 2 inch gap for that thing to laugh at me right before it eats me. I head back into the bathroom to reconnoiter. Spider’s still there. Hasn’t moved. I really don’t want to kill it, but I really can’t tell if it’s harmless or not. ::::sigh:::: I throw on a pair of pants and a shirt and go looking for the Raid. If I can spray NEAR it, it might run, and then I could catch it. This is NOT what I want to be doing at 5AM.

Of course, it takes me ten minutes to find the Raid, and when I get back, guess what? That’s right. No spider. Fuckety-fuck-fuck. I check the floor, the walls and the ceiling (always my personal terror, that last one), but nothing. This is very bad. I can’t afford to let it live in the bathroom, and I’m now getting later and later for work. I consider the possibility that it is BEHIND the roll, but there doesn’t really seem to be that much space. The thing is, my grandparents live in an old house. It was built in ’29, so it has all kinds of features that you don’t see on houses out here anymore. One of these features is that all the toilet paper rolls are built into the wall. There’s a half-circle-shaped depression in the wall, and the paper is set into that, so that only about half the roll sticks out from the wall. It’s very cool. It’s also a great spider-hiding place. Fuck.

There is no way in hell I’m reaching over to spin the roll and risk having that thing launched through the air at me. I don’t think I could stifle that scream. Suddenly, I remember that my Grandma has 3 or 4 canes in the hall closet, because of her bad knee. I could use one of those to spin the roll! So I trot out to the closet and select the longest one I can find. I sneak back into the bathroom, contemplating the fact that my morning has been reduced to sneaking around a spider, stand as far from the roll as I can, reach waaaaaaaaay out with the cane, and spin the roll. It’s a pathetic attempt, but it’s enough to scare the spider, which runs out from the top of the roll, and down underneath it, back into the bottom half of the hole before I can grab the Raid. Dammit.

I look at the clock. An entire half-hour has elapsed since I got up. Jesus.

But now I know it’s in the roll-hole, and at least that’s something. I use the cane to lift the hand towel off the bar, because it’s RIGHT NEXT to the hole, and I don’t want the spider to run out and onto the towel. Then I spin the roll again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. These are much less pathetic attempts, and now I’m worried that it really ran somewhere else, and I missed it. Spin. Nothing. Spin. JACKPOT!!! Thereitgoesacrossthewall,getit,getit,getit!!!!!! FUCK!!!! I lost it!! I check under the sink, and behind the OTHER towel. Nothing! DAMN! As I stand up, THERE IT IS!!! ON THE WALL! IN A PERFECT PLACE TO CATCH WITH MY TUPPERWARE! WHERE DID I PUT THAT FUCKING TUPPERWARE?!?!?!!?! OO, OO! RIGHT THERE!!! ON THE SINK!!! I grab the Tupperware, and slam it down over the spider, which thankfully is neither a jumping spider nor a very fast runner (as spiders go). Under the Tupperware goes the back of the notepad, and I peel the whole shebang away from the wall. I can see the spider better now, and I’m almost disappointed that it is not, in fact, a black widow. It’s some brown and black thingy, although I don’t think it’s a recluse. I’m not in a desert-y enough area for those.

I carry it outside and let it go, all the while sternly admonishing it for scaring me and warning it just how close it came to a Raid-induced death. I’m sure I made quite an impression and it was probably very sorry.  *rolls eyes*  Then I race back upstairs to get dressed before I’m really late for work, since it’s now almost 5:30, which is when I need to leave.

I did wait till I got to work to use the bathroom again, though. Just in case.

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8 responses to “Because Some Days I Don’t Feel Like Writing Angsty Stuff

  1. I’m still shuddering at the thought of that ginormous spider! I hate spiders, which is a big part of the reason I still live here in the frozen north. We don’t have such large spiders, although some of them do get pretty big, and none of them are poisonous!
    I also hate the sound of spiders being squished, but I’m afraid I’m not as kind-hearted as you. I will kill them. I have a rating system, though. If it’s a wee tiny thing, it only gets one Kleenex. The bigger it is, the more tissue I have to have between me and the spider – can’t get spider guts on me because there isn’t enough soap in the world to get it off! And then they have to be flushed down the toilet, just in case they are able to come back to life, because I know they will be really pissed, and dragging themselves after me, minus a leg or two that stuck to the tissue….
    The largest ever was a five-Kleenexer – huge!!

    And then there are the ceiling dwellers. For those, I have to get the fly-swatter… but I don’t like to squish them on the ceiling because it’s hard to clean the mess off. I generally try to swoop them off and get them on the floor before I can dispatch them. Have had my share of rodeos where they have gotten away from me, though. *shudder*

    Great post, Marste – thanks for re-posting! *shudder*

  2. Hahaha! Bag lady, I like the way you think. whenever a roach is killed in my house it is a requirement that it be flushed down the toilet after squishing. (I tend to smash with a shoe – one not on my foot – while the boy grabs with papertowel and crushes *double shudder*) He thinks I’m weird because I insist on flushage.

  3. Oh My God. This is another good reason to not wake up at 4am. By the time I get up at 7am all the bugs have gone home.

  4. ahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

    I am horrified and hilarified by this. I can totally see all this happening to me, spiders are the worst!! my thing with bugs is — you do your thing outside and I won’t bother you, but inside — that’s my space, dudes.

    eeek! and my cats are worthless when it comes to bug catching, too. if they had to feed themselves they’d starve to death. my little girlcat actually PATS the bug with her paw and looks up at me like, “wow!” and I’m like, “moron, KILL IT.” at least that would be “nature’s course.” I don’t want to kill them but I don’t want to catch and release either. I just don’t want them in the house period.

    xoxo

  5. Oh Marste you are brilliant!!!!

    Lola x

  6. Bag Lady, the kleenex method is hilarious! I have a similar method, but with paper towels because I’m always afraid the kleenex will shred. *shudder* But with the really big ones, I almost have to either catch them or vaccuum them. Otherwise they make a mess. Ew, grossgrossgross.

    Sassy, I would totally insist on flushing roaches, too. I swear they can live through ANYTHING. (I’ve also been known to throw bug carcasses in the garbage disposal. I wouldn’t kill them that way, but if they’re already dead, I’ll make sure they STAY dead with the disposal.)

    Harriet, I know. I have on more than one occasion considered how many bugs there probably are in my house that I never see. I think that freaks me out more than seeing them, though!

    Sarah, those cats are HILARIOUS. Seriously, what’s the point in having a cat if it won’t kill things? My sister has a rat terrier that likes to PLAY with bugs. We have to kill them out of mercy, because otherwise she’ll drag it out forever. Yeesh.

    Lola, I’m glad to see you around! 😀 I wondered about you the last couple of days.

  7. OMG that’s hilarious! my first response when it comes to bugs is KILLKILLKILLKILLSMASHDESTROY so you’re better than i when it comes to that …

  8. EEEK! I HATE HATE HATE spiders!!! My wonderful, brave kitties?? would probably turn tail if a spider crawled at them.

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