For the last several nights, I’ve been getting a lot of sleep, but waking up feeling drained and tired. Not physically tired, but emotionally tired. The kind of tired you feel after spending a day with Great Aunt Ethel who only wants to talk about her spleen. The kind of tired that makes you want to go to bed, except that your body is too rested to actually SLEEP, so you lay in bed, cursing whatever you can think of to curse. THAT kind of tired.
I’ve been dreaming like crazy. I never dream. Well, that’s not true, EVERYBODY dreams, but I never remember my dreams (unless I have nightmares – THOSE I remember. THANKS A LOT, BRAIN). Last night I turned off my light at 9:00 so that I could wake up at 4:00 and go to the gym. I woke up later, feeling pretty good. “It must be a few minutes before 4,” I thought. “My body is finally getting used to the 4am wake-up call, and is anticipating it (as my body inevitably does. It makes weekends SUPER-FUN when you’re awake at 4).” I rolled over and looked at the clock.
THE HELL? It was 12:30, people. THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. So I went back to sleep. To awaken just before 4:00 (there’s that internal clock – THANKS AGAIN, BRAIN) with the remnants of a disturbing dream about formless body-snatchers floating through my brain. I was fried, so I hit snooze and went back to sleep. Screw the gym, I thought, it’s not even my regular day.
I woke up again at 4:45. No, my alarm didn’t go off. I just woke up. YAY. And 5:15. And 5:30 (seriously, FIFTEEN MINUTES? COME ON). And 6:00. Which is when I got up, because this was FREAKIN’ RIDICULOUS. I could have gone to the damn gym and felt just as not-rested.
But the weird thing was that I kept having those dreams. I think of them as almost-nightmares. In the dream, it was more like watching a movie than actually LIVING it. I felt anxious, but not threatened. I watched characters get chased down the halls of a sinister-looking hospital by formless, shapeless things bent on killing them, but I knew somehow that I was invisible. I was there, but not there. I was sad that people were dying, but had the feeling that I could have gone home to dinner without much more thought about it. Like watching a movie. Or rather, like EXISTING in a movie, without the “movie” being aware that you were there. Watching from the inside, so to speak. I don’t know if I can explain it any better than that.
*SIGH* I don’t know what is going on. I know that I only dream when my unconscious is trying REALLY HARD to get through to me, and I’m blocking something that I don’t want to “hear.” When I’m not paying attention to something I don’t want to deal with. (It’s probably not a coincidence that I would really like to get rip-roaring drunk every night right now, either. I haven’t been doing that, but I’d LIKE to.)
Please find another way to get through to me, ok? I NEED MY SLEEP, FOR GOD’S SAKE. YOU’RE KILLING ME HERE. I almost told one of my bosses where to stick it yesterday, and THAT’S NOT GOOD. I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP MY JOB.
PS – if you could find a way to get through to me other than the dreaming (because seriously? BODY-SNATCHERS? The hell does THAT mean?), could you also not decide to break my body or get sick? Those are also bad options. Life is too busy for debilitating back pain right now. Thanks.
(Any dream-interpreters out there? ‘Cause I got NOTHIN’.)