I just feel like hiding.
I haven’t even been commenting on other blogs a whole lot, though I’ve been reading. I just feel like I want to be unnoticeable, blend into the woodwork, crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeep.
I’m a tiny bit depressed (in case you hadn’t noticed). This is always Stage One of depression for me: unexplainable exhaustion.
Well, no, it’s not totally unexplainable. Part of it is that I’ve been off my thyroid supplements for a while, so I’m always more tired then. (I just got a refill the other day.) And a big part of it is that I’ve been staying up late (well, late for me – I get up at 4am, so “late” is relative). And a big part of it is the drinking. A LOT of drinking, even after my last, semi-optimistic post. And I’m embarrassed to admit it, which is why I want to hide, and why right now it’s important not to hide.
So I’m writing.
Clearly deciding to Stop Drinking So Much was about as successful as my attempt to decide to Stop Bingeing So Much. Ah, the joys of naivete. LOL (but not really LOL, unless it’s with a little bitterness and cynicism). So obviously if one method doesn’t work, I need to try a new one and stop hoping that if I just pound away at the old one for long enough that presto! it will magically start working EVEN THOUGH IT NEVER DID BEFORE. (Yes! She CAN be taught!)
A while back, I made a concerted effort to practice Intuitive Eating. The thing I found the most interesting about it was that when I stopped thinking in terms of “good” foods and “bad” foods; when I stopped telling myself I was Not Allowed to eat things; I found that I didn’t actually WANT most of the food I was eating. I was just eating it because it was Not Allowed, and I was rebelling. When I really started to adopt the mindset that I could eat a pound of pasta with cream sauce for dinner EVERY NIGHT if I wanted to and it didn’t make me a Bad Person, I realized that hey – I didn’t actually WANT to eat a pound of pasta with cream sauce every night. Just knowing that this meal wasn’t Special, and that I could have it anytime I wanted it sort of removed the drive to consume it.
I’m not sure Intuitive Drinking would work that well though, LOL.
But it got me to thinking. What if, instead of Not Drinking, I removed the stigma? What if I tell myself, ok sure, have that drink – just make sure you really want it. And remember that if you don’t want it now, you can have it tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next. You’re not a Bad Person if you drink it, and you’re not a Good Person if you don’t. Even writing that, I can feel my brain change. I can feel that anxiety relax, that drive, that complusion lessen.
There is one thing different with alcohol than food though, and that of course is is the fact that as you drink, you get stupid. Or I do, anyway. I won’t put that on all of you. 😉 So a drink or even two would probably not hurt me, but that’s about the time that I’ve had just enough alcohol to make more seem like the BEST IDEA EVER. So I have to figure out a way around that.
So I’m thinking that I might practice Intuitive Drinking (Ha!), but add in a caveat: between every glass of alcohol, I need to have some water. My glasses are all 16 oz sizes, so I’ll drink 16 oz of water after each drink. I’m specifically hoping that if I make some herbal tea or something like that, that it will relax me enough to remind me that more alcohol really IS unnecessary. (But not Forbidden – I don’t want to reactivate the kind of thinking I’m trying so hard to DEactivate.) And there will be nights, especially in the beginning, where I will drink too much, and I’ll feel like hell the next day. But if it’s not forbidden, then the lure will lessen (if it’s anything like the sugar binges were, and I think it might be) when I really start thinking about how shitty I feel afterward. As long as I know that I can have it anytime, and that IT’S OK, I’m guessing (hoping?) that the compulsion to drink it NOW NOW NOW BEFORE I CAN’T HAVE IT OR IT’S GONE will lessen.
Any other ideas? Think this will work? Think it won’t work (and have a reason why you think it might not)? Help me out here, people. I’m flying blind on this one. I really want to cure the root cause (the internal mental and emotional crap) instead of just treat the symptoms (drinking and bingeing).
Edited to add: I’m TOTALLY FREAKED OUT about posting this. Not sure why, but it’s an interesting phenomenon. My stomach is all in a knot. Weird.