LOL, I keep laughing at my melodramatic post titles. If my mother read this she’d probably tell me that I haven’t changed since I was a kid: “drama, drama, drama.” 😉
Aaaanyway. I’ve been keeping a food journal for almost exactly 2 weeks now. I was doing ok; it wasn’t making me crazy at all. But the last couple of days, I’ve been fighting the urge to eat it ALL or to eat NOTHING. Either way isn’t so great. I think it’s because I lost quite a bit of weight the first week, but I’m pretty sure I was dehydrated because I was CRAVING salt. And literally in the space of 2 days I “gained” about 4 pounds. I don’t know what it is. I could be retaining water. I ran out of thyroid meds and haven’t had a chance to go get new ones, so it could be that. It could be that I’m not eating ENOUGH (though I strongly doubt that).
Whatever the reason, I find that voice in my head: the one that thinks “winning” at the Food Journal Game means eating as little as possible. I promised myself I would not go under a certain amount of food, but I can hear the negotiations in the back of my mind: “What if I just made sure I was never HUNGRY? I could totally get by on fewer calories, and it would be fine!” Except that I can keep my hunger at bay by drinking tea and broth most of the day. Not EXACTLY healthy, I know. Or piles and piles of raw spinach with nothing on it. It fills me up, but it’s hardly any calories at all. Not so great if that’s what I’m relying on for total nutrition.
And the reality is that what I’ve lost really isn’t bad, especially spread out over 2 weeks. I think I’m just used to losing so much FASTER that this seems the same as not losing at all.
I guess that’s really what it is. I need to learn how to adjust my brain to realize that something is better than nothing. That losing 4 or 5 pounds a week, CONSISTENTLY, isn’t so good. Right now, that 2 pounds a week? Feels like NOTHING, especially since I’m exercising so much. *sigh* And I think to myself, “2 pounds a week is a good amount! Don’t worry about it!” And then the back-of-the-head voice quietly whispering, “But it was ALMOST 4 pounds a week! So close! So close! How much are you REALLY eating, anyway? A couple extra trips to the gym won’t kill you! Come on, don’t be a whiner . . . You can do this, you know you can.” And it sounds ALMOST like the normal voice. So close, so close. It only requires a LITTLE bit of denial to listen to the Crazies instead of the Normals.
So I’ll keep on with the journal, and keep adhering to my “must not go below” limits, and watch my gym-going closely. But in my head it’s a little chaotic right now. *rolls eyes*