I have a case of the blahs. Or maybe the blues. I’m not really sure. Holly Golightly would say I had a case of the “mean reds,” and maybe that’s a more apt description.
Mostly I just don’t feel like writing, but I know that’s a bad idea. It’s when I feel least like writing that I know deep down I really NEED to write, because not writing is my way of pretending that my demons are all under control.
Operative word there being “pretending.”
I’ve been gaining weight again. My weight is higher than it’s been in a LONG time. And I feel like it’s time to be done, it’s time to let all this crap go and just get past it.
So I joined a gym. I’m taking Tae Kwon Do lessons. But the kicker is, I’m monitoring my food. For some reason, exercise doesn’t send me over the edge, but restricting my food intake does. I’m not hungry, I’m not starving myself, but something about the rigid diet mentality just fucks with my head in a BIG way. I get neurotic. All my body-hating issues rise to the top of my brain and play on a loop in my head. And that loop in turn makes me want to alternately binge and starve.
*sigh* I haven’t even gotten through 2 whole days, and already the switch is flipped. The low-grade anxiety, feeling like piano wire stretched tightly across my shoulder blades, turning tighter and tighter.
I’m kind of at a loss. I can’t live this way, but I can’t live the way I’ve BEEN living, either.
So, yeah. The mean reds.
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?