Blogging “Blahs”

I have a case of the blahs.  Or maybe the blues.  I’m not really sure.  Holly Golightly would say I had a case of the “mean reds,” and maybe that’s a more apt description.

Mostly I just don’t feel like writing, but I know that’s a bad idea.  It’s when I feel least like writing that I know deep down I really NEED to write, because not writing is my way of pretending that my demons are all under control.

Operative word there being “pretending.” 

I’ve been gaining weight again.  My weight is higher than it’s been in a LONG time.  And I feel like it’s time to be done, it’s time to let all this crap go and just get past it. 

So I joined a gym.  I’m taking Tae Kwon Do lessons.  But the kicker is, I’m monitoring my food.  For some reason, exercise doesn’t send me over the edge, but restricting my food intake does.  I’m not hungry, I’m not starving myself, but something about the rigid diet mentality just fucks with my head in a BIG way.  I get neurotic.  All my body-hating issues rise to the top of my brain and play on a loop in my head.  And that loop in turn makes me want to alternately binge and starve. 

*sigh*  I haven’t even gotten through 2 whole days, and already the switch is flipped.  The low-grade anxiety, feeling like piano wire stretched tightly across my shoulder blades, turning tighter and tighter. 

I’m kind of at a loss.  I can’t live this way, but I can’t live the way I’ve BEEN living, either. 

So, yeah.  The mean reds.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

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7 responses to “Blogging “Blahs”

  1. Marste {{Hugs}}
    There’s nothing I can say to make this any better, is there? Just hang in there. I know how sh*tty that place is.

    Lola x

  2. damn. I hate to say the hugs thing as well but it is 100% what Im feeling, too.

    and reach out if you need me and think I can help.

  3. *hugs* I hear ya – been feeling much the same way. Keep telling myself I will lose the weight again when I start training for the next Avon Walk – what an excuse, right?

    I really hope things get better – keep us posted!!!!

  4. I’m sorry. I just sucks to be in “that place”. Wish I could help.

  5. Count me in on that group hug! :o) I found your blog through TA’s, just wanted to say “hey” and let you know that I can empathise with the downer mood you described above. I am totally not liking any form of food restriction at the moment, it sends me into depressing spirals. All that wanting what I can’t have, etc.,etc. AND I do Taekwon-Do, so I hope that’s working out well for you. I’m a II Dan Black Belt in ITF Taekwon-Do, so clearly it’s worked for me so far. :o)

  6. Thanks, guys. It sucks at the moment, but sometimes that cliche about the only way out being through is true, you know? I figure that if I can get through this instead of hiding from it, I might actually learn something. There’s a thought. *rolls eyes*

    Hi, Shivers! That’s so neat about the TKD! I took it several years ago, but ran out of money. Ahem. So I’m back, now, and I really enjoy it. I especially like all the kicks, because I used to dance, so I still have quite a bit of flexibility in my hips and legs. Makes me feel like I have more of an edge! LOL.

  7. I get like that too! Only it usually makes me really aggressive and awful to be around. The fact that you wrote this means you’re OWNING it and it will soon be gone. You are already back in the driving seat.

    You are rocking TKD already. How long ago were you the girl who didn’t make it through the class? Last century? Kick those dancer legs!

    Good luck with the trainer, go girl!!

    TA x

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