(Quote credit, of course, is “The Princess Bride.”)
The word I speak of? Why, MODERATION. Oh! And BALANCE. And that’s two words, but then I couldn’t have used my funny quote, you know.
But seriously. I don’t think I really understand those two words. I mean, of course I UNDERSTAND them – I can create sentences with them and everything – but maybe it’s more that I don’t think they apply to ME in quite the same way as everyone ELSE.
I was thinking it was my LIFE that was unbalanced: the externals, and all that – but on closer inspection, I think it’s my BRAIN that is unbalanced when I look at my life. (Shocker, I know. I’ll wait while you pick yourself up off the floor.)
For instance. (Um, there are a lot of inappropriate paragraph breaks in this post, I just noticed. Weird. Sorry about that. But it will probably continue.) I know that if I’m really going to commit to exercising, and oh, I don’t know, FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT, I need a class of some sort. Preferably one that develops a skill. So I was looking around at classes, and I pretty much settled on either dance or Tae Kwon Do, both of which I’ve taken before. I was tempted to take dance classes, but there were 3 big problems with that idea:
1) The closest (good) studio (yeah, I’m a snob. I danced for 15 years, I’m allowed.) is just far enough away that I would have to leave straight from work. Meaning that 3 days a week I would leave my house at 7:00am and get home around 9:00pm. Um, no. That makes the day WAY too long, and I will be a crying mess within 3 weeks.
2) Taking dance classes would mean not only paying for classes (approx. $150/month), but also an initial financial outlay of $200-$300 for new shoes and appropriate clothing. Wow. I so DON’T have that kind of money right now.
3) Finally, prancing around in a leotard and tights, surrounded by the teeny-tiny people I wanted so desperately to be and couldn’t even starve myself enough to be as thin as? Um. I don’t think I could handle that mentally right now. I think it would make me crazy.
So. Tae Kwon Do. As it turns out, there is one right near my house. I could go home for an hour after work, and then go to class and be home, showered and in bed by 9:30 or so. Also, they are running a special which includes a FREE uniform. Nice. And the Master who teaches the class I would take? Trained in Korea with my OLD TKD Master Instructor. So it’s even a style I’m familiar with. Classes are M, W, and possibly F: beginner’s classes are M, W, but since I have a dance background, they offered to let me come on Fridays to the more advanced class if I want to, just for the workout. (Although I probably won’t go often, because hey, it’s Friday, and if I’m not going out with my friends or home to see my mom, I’m probably watching Ghost Whisperer: BEST. GUILTY. PLEASURE. EVER.)
Aaaaanyway. But here’s the thing: I FEEL like I’m run off my feet. I’m not. I know I’m not. Class 3 times a week after work isn’t overwhelming. Even if I go to my knitting group on Tuesdays, as long as I leave by 7:00, I’ve got time to hang out around the house and have dinner and just generally have some time to decompress. It’s my brain that’s crazy. It’s like cleaning: I hate it. No, really. A lot. So I used to wait and wait and wait and dread the moment when I would have to actually CLEAN. And by the time I did the cleaning, it might only take an hour or two, but because I’d been thinking about it for so long, it FELT like it took all day. Does that sort of make sense?
So now, with the TKD classes, all I can think about is that I will be out of the house ALL NIGHT! But of course, that’s not right. I’ll be out of the house for an hour and a half, or maybe an hour and forty-five minutes. And I’ll be home for an hour before that. I’ll have time to sweep the floor, and have some dinner (though dinner before exercise isn’t generally a good idea for me). I WILL HAVE SOME TIME. But so far I haven’t been able to make my crazy brain focus on that part.
And in a further effort to sabotage myself, Crazy Brain has all kinds of anxieties about the TKD class: what if I suck? What if people look at me? What if I hate it? What if I get too hot and they frown on leaving class for water? What if, what if, what if?? (Please note that I have only ever taken ONE class, of any kind, with a teacher that frowned on leaving class for any reason. And I didn’t stay in that class, because the teacher was a JERK. But I’ve been paranoid about it ever since.)
So tell me: why is it easier to be anxious than to relax? Is this a symptom of crazy brain? Does everyone do this? Or is it just the uber-perfectionist among us? (Because really, all my sabatoge is partly motivated by that perfectionism, and the idea that if I can’t be PERFECT at it, RIGHT NOW, then I’m a failure, forever and ever. Yeah, I know it’s jacked. So I take every opportunity to remind myself that it’s NOT TRUE, but that doesn’t stop the tape from playing.)
So, yeah. I don’t think it’s my LIFE that’s unbalanced. I think it’s my BRAIN. Crap. My life would be easier to fix.