So, remember Reason Number 4 for Why Budgets Don’t Work?
Yeah. And here’s my problem: when I realize that I need to simplify one area of my life/thinking/attitudes, I often compensate unconsciously by complicating another area.
The good: I realize that I need to find a way to fit exercise into my life, instead of trying to rearrange my entire life to revolve around exercise. Because that is just not feasible. Going from zero hours to two a day? NOT gonna happen. Not on any consistent basis, anyway. So I’m looking into Tae Kwon Do lessons. Woo-hoo!
The bad: While I’m realizing that, I’m also trying to build a food plan. That’s good, except that I then try to build EVERY SINGLE IDEA I HAVE about how I should do the food plan INTO the food plan. Even though some of my brilliant ideas conflict. Yeah. And then I feel like I have to have an exact, down-to-the-last morsel plan for EVERYTHING I’m going to eat this week. Stress much? I KNOW I don’t really have to do that; it’s just my brain, going batshit crazy.
So I’ve been stressed about that, and the last week my stomach has been upset, I forgot to take my thryoid supplements for a few days, so I’ve been EXHAUSTED, and then I got a nasty period and basically hemorraghed (sp?) for 36 hours.
And on Sunday, I wrote to my MizFit Match (Hi, TA! *waves*) about what a horrible person I was, and how I wasn’t meeting my goals and I felt like crap, and the food plan was stressing me out, and I wasn’t exercising, and nothing was going RIGHT, GODAMMIT, and I’m supposed to see a friend tonight, but then I won’t get my food plan done NOW, so I don’t want to go, andandand . . . And she basically said, “For God’s sake woman! Get hold of yourself!” (*insert old-fashioned smacking noises here*) And she laid out for me all the things I was doing RIGHT, even though some of those things are internal, and so I can’t really see “RESULTS.”
See, I have this idea in my head (and I know it’s faulty, but it’s there) that I should be able to schedule myself down to the MINUTE, down to my very LAST THOUGHT, and then follow that schedule ALL THE TIME. And I don’t just do it with food, oh, no. I schedule EVERYTHING. Food, exercise, errand running, house cleaning, socializing . . . EVERYTHING. And to a certain extent, it’s helpful. Scheduling housework and distributing it over a week actually REDUCES my stress levels. I like not having to clean all weekend. And knowing when I’m going to run my errands gives me peace of mind; it helps me take tonight OFF, because I know tomorrow I’ll take care of the things on my list. Meal planning is in some ways less stressful, but in some ways more. Spending a lot of time thinking about what I’ll eat next week, what’s on sale, what I can cook, etc, is good for my wallet, but not always so good for my head. Planning exercise only works if I’m going to a class where I’ll be learning something. Otherwise it’s One More Thing To Do, and it gets overwhelming. And for instance, if I have at-home exercise scheduled (or even I-can-do-it-anytime exercise scheduled), and then a friend wants to go to dinner, I become PARALYZED. I want to go to dinner with my friend, but then I will MISS my exercise, and that would make me a Bad Person and a Lazy Fattie. If I skip dinner with my friend, I will be so resentful about missing the fun that I will exercise half-heartedly and not get anything good out of it, and then I will be resentful of THAT, TOO.
And the really funny thing is that I KNOW none of this is really that stressful. It’s my funny brain, which can take a molehill and turn it into the Biggest Mountain Ever. I’ve been working lately on trying to put things into context, and I have to say, it’s surprisingly hard to do. Everything MATTERS. Nothing is unimportant in my brain. I joke about my friend who asks so many questions that people get put off: there might be 100 possible questions, but only 5 matter, and she’s incapable of figuring out which 5 they are, so she asks them ALL. But I’m that way with planning. I have 100 options, and I have the damndest time figuring out which ones are important, because in the moment they ALL seem important. Like a house of cards, and if I place one wrong, the whole thing comes tumbling down.
See what I mean about the perfectionism? I envision dire consequences for the smallest, simplest things – and then I live as though those dire consequences weren’t just in my head. And the thing is? In the moment, I REALLY DON’T REALIZE THAT THEY’RE IN MY HEAD. I totally think they’re all real.
Aaaaaaanyway. A food plan. I’m working on it. I may or may not post it when I get it. I haven’t decided yet. (Actually, now that I’ve written that, I probably WILL post it and request some feedback on how perfectionist it is or isn’t. Since I’m clearly incapable of figuring that out for myself. ;))