In the comments to this post it was suggested that I keep a food diary to help figure out where I’m at, and how much food I need. There are two big reasons I haven’t done that, also listed in that post (reasons 2 and 3), but buried half-way down:
2) I am afraid of what I will find.
3) I am afraid of admitting how “bad” I’ve been.
There it is. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to go spelunking in the dark places in my head because, well, they’re DARK, DAMMIT. In the past I have always, always, ALWAYS done my best to look forward, never back. And I still believe in that philosophy, but I need to remember that even the best philosophy can be bad for me when I’ve subverted it to mean something it shouldn’t. In other words, moving forward is DIFFERENT from hiding from the past. And I get an A+ in twisting good conecpts around so that they are toxic, and then rationalizing that Hey! My theory is Totally Good!
Yeah. I’m creative like that.
But one of the other things in that post mentioned that I need to DEAL with where I am so that I don’t have to LIVE where I am. So. A written plan. Starting with where I am now. The first question was how to keep a food diary without being IN-FREAKIN’-SANE about it. JB had a response to the subsequent post in the comments that basically boiled down to keeping it light-hearted (my words, not hers). “Write, “Ham sandwich with all the fixin’s! Mmm.” and “BAG O’ CHEETOS.” and “lots of carrots. Handsfuls, even.” Oddly enough, I think that might work. Except Cheetos. I don’t keep those in the house because I will eat them ALL. And carrots are gross. But! The CONCEPT is the important thing, and THAT I can do.
It was also recommended that I build in requirements of various kinds. I don’t think I would use the Food Pyramid, because . . . well, because I think it’s flawed, basically. But I know what my body needs (even if I don’t always adhere to that), and I could conceivably build a plan around that: (x) servings of veggies, (x) servings of protein, (x) glasses of wine (because I might as well be honest), (x) mini-binges a week (there’s that honesty again). But first I do have to know where to start, which brings me back to the journal.
I started one yesterday, making it a point to write down more light-hearted entries. So I ate things like “Grilled Cheese Sandwich (to settle my stomach)” and a “Homemade Pumpkin Bar – BEST THING EVER!” Granted, the stomach settling wasn’t light-hearted, but it did let me look back on the day and remember that I had a REASON for eating what I did, even if it seems like it ended up being a junk-heavy day (for me, anyway). (That wasn’t all I ate though, so don’t get worried.)
Another suggestion was to shoot for (x) servings per day of veggies (or whatever else). That’s actually totally do-able, and would in fact give me credit for things I’m already doing well. It’s not unusual for me to eat 7 or 8 vegetable servings a day, so by building that in I get to see what I’m already doing “right” instead of focusing on what needs to be cut out/back/down. (Did you know that a half-cup serving of cooked veggies is a full serving? Weird. I can’t remember the last time I ate fewer than 1-2 cups of veggies at a sitting. What else would I fill up on?)
Anyway. This a little all over the map, because it’s mostly me trying to figure out how best to sneak up on my neurosis without it realizing I’m coming, LOL. But I think I’ve got some good places to start.