Oohhhhhhh, buckle your seatbelts, kids. I can’t get this one to be coherent in my head, which means it will probably be even LESS coherent on . . . er . . . “paper?” Bear with me, ok? Also, I’m REALLY in a weird mood today, so there will be way too many random asides, use of parantheticals, etc. Today I think I’m funny. Or at least in the mood to rant, which I’ve been told is funny. Tomorrow I will re-read this and not find it funny AT ALL. Instead I will probably be embarrassed (but too lazy to take it down and rewrite it, so here it will remain).
Consider yourselves warned.
Over the last couple of weeks my eating habits have TANKED. Seriously. Beginning with that trip to Florida, continuing with wicked sugar cravings when I got back (Halloween is KILLING me, by the way), then an upset stomach leading to a weird diet leading to me rebelling and eating crap because YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! Nice. Mature too, you know? And in the meantime I feel FAT and GROSS and MY STOMACH KIND OF HURTS and Oh, Look! Candy! Yeeeaaah.
I caught myself leaving a comment on a blog the other day mentioning that I was trying to lose weight. I hate that word: TRYING. (You knew what that word was, right? Because you read the post title.) And first I got angry with myself for using that word, but then I started thinking: AM I really trying? Or am I PRETENDING to try?
And THAT led me to looking around at what I want, what’s important to me and what I’m doing (or not doing) to get what I want. For instance. (Oh, you knew there was a “for instance,” right?) I’d really like to get some exercise. But I can’t exercise in the early morning. No, I mean I physically CAN’T. I get out of breath really fast, and develop a nice case of exercise-induced asthma (stop laughing – it’s REAL), even though I’m not an asthmatic in ANY OTHER SITUATION. Crap. So it has to be at least a few hours after I get up, and I’m NOT getting up at 2am so that I can start exercising at 5am. Oh, HELL no.
So, lunch would be the next logical time, but I don’t always (or even often) leave my desk at work during lunch, and even if I did, exercising turns me tomato-red. No, really. You saw that pic of me – I’m SUPER-fair-skinned. TOMATO. RED. Sometimes before I even start breathing hard. It’s attractive – IF YOU THINK TOMATOES ARE ATTRACTIVE. (And if you do? Wow, you’re WEIRD.) So exercising at lunch is not likely. I’m not going back to work looking like a member of the vegetable kingdom.
So that leaves after work. Which is all well and good – I really like spending time in the park after work, but now it is dark in the park after work. (Suddenly I feel like Dr. Seuss: “dark in the park . . . ” Wha?) So THAT leaves out the park, because there are NO LIGHTS in that park. I could get attacked, or worse (and more likely), run straight into a tree. Or get attacked by a rabid squirrel (possibly because I ran into its tree, and now its defending its nest). What? IT HAPPENS. I’ve SEEN those shows on Fox: “When Animals Attack!” I don’t want to be on the next one, ok?
Aaaaaanyway. (I warned you about the weird mood. Don’t complain.) I have joined gyms, but unless they offer REALLY cool classes, I don’t go. I THINK I’ll go. But then I don’t. So what works for me? Structured classes. Really. Ballet lessons, Tae-Kwon-Do lessons, tennis lessons (although it’s too dark now), tap dance lessons (dance lessons of any kind, actually). Those WORK. I get excited to go, and even when I don’t WANT to go, I’m so worried that I’ll miss something important (“What do you mean we learned 4 more sets of 8 in the center floor combination AND I MISSED IT?”) that I go, anyway. And I don’t think about how tired I am, or how sweaty I am, or how much my leg hurts, and whyyyy do I have to do 4 more reps, I’m tiiiiiiired, WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY?????? *stamps feet* Because I’m too busy thinking about what teacher just said, and how my leg USED to get higher than that, I SWEAR, and on the NEXT 4 reps, I WILL GET MY FUCKING LEG UP THERE, GODDAMMIT. And then, on the very last one, I do. And I go home feeling a TREMENDOUS sense of accomplishment, and I’m sore the next day, but I’m SO PROUD OF MYSELF.
(I actually remember taking a ballet class that was regularly so intense that it literally hurt to MOVE for the next THREE days. All my friends and I would come into class over the next few days – we had daily classes – and gingerly lower ourselves to the floor so we could put our ballet shoes on, and my teacher would laugh gleefully: “Are you all SORE????” We loved that teacher, but on those days, we also kind of hated him.)
So why am I not taking lessons of some sort? Well, because I have limited funds (as do we all), and at the moment I’m trying REALLY hard to pay off some debt. I’ve paid off almost $10,000 in 18 months, and have about $4000 left to go. So every month, I look at my extra money, and think about signing up for classes (which would run me about $150 a month, plus any shoes/clothes/whatever I need), and then I look at my dwindling debt, and I want it GONE (because I really want to buy a house next year, and I’m thisclose to being able to afford one, and I also want to invest in stocks because the market is a BUYER’S MARKET right now), so I put all my extra money toward paying that off. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But then I whine around and complain about how HARD it is to stick to exercising, and how I don’t know what to doooooooo, because now it’s so daaaaaaaark out, and I wanna go to the paaaaark, but it’s dark, and I caaaaaaan’t, and yoga’s not the saaaaaaame, and whhhhyyyyyyyeeeeeeee????? *stamps feet*
Ahem. Yeah. See how that works? But that’s what I mean by “TRYING.” (You thought I forgot about the “trying” part, didn’t you? Psh.) IS it really more important to me to pay off debt (and get a house and buy some stocks)? If so, that’s ok, but I’ve got to stop beating myself up for not doing classes, then. And if it’s really more important to me to get back into regular exercise, then I need to stop putting that extra money toward the debt, and use it to pay for some cool classes. Right now I think exercise is more important, but my ACTIONS are treating the debt with more importance. See what I mean? I’m not congruent/aligned/focused/whatever.
And ALL of this ties into food, too. Because I flat-out eat better when I exercise. I just do. It’s less of a struggle to eat healthy food when I’m exercising. (Actually, it’s not that much of a struggle to eat healthy when I’m NOT exercising, but it IS a stuggle to eat in a manner that would help me lose weight, which I really want to do, even-if-it-is-just-societal-conditioning-STOPJUDGINGME! LOL) Although in all fairness, my diet has NOT been that healthy the last few weeks, so it needs some readjusting (again). *SIGH*
So I’ve got some thinking to do about what I really want, and how badly I really want it. But it’s good to get it all out there, right? RIGHT??