Oohhhhhhh, buckle your seatbelts, kids.  I can’t get this one to be coherent in my head, which means it will probably be even LESS coherent on . . . er . . . “paper?”  Bear with me, ok?  Also, I’m REALLY in a weird mood today, so there will be way too many random asides, use of parantheticals, etc.  Today I think I’m funny.  Or at least in the mood to rant, which I’ve been told is funny.  Tomorrow I will re-read this and not find it funny AT ALL.  Instead I will probably be embarrassed (but too lazy to take it down and rewrite it, so here it will remain).

Consider yourselves warned.

Over the last couple of weeks my eating habits have TANKED.  Seriously.  Beginning with that trip to Florida, continuing with wicked sugar cravings when I got back (Halloween is KILLING me, by the way), then an upset stomach leading to a weird diet leading to me rebelling and eating crap because YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!  Nice.  Mature too, you know?  And in the meantime I feel FAT and GROSS and MY STOMACH KIND OF HURTS and Oh, Look!  Candy!  Yeeeaaah. 

I caught myself leaving a comment on a blog the other day mentioning that I was trying to lose weight.  I hate that word: TRYING.  (You knew what that word was, right?  Because you read the post title.)  And first I got angry with myself for using that word, but then I started thinking: AM I really trying?  Or am I PRETENDING to try?

And THAT led me to looking around at what I want, what’s important to me and what I’m doing (or not doing) to get what I want.  For instance.  (Oh, you knew there was a “for instance,” right?)  I’d really like to get some exercise.  But I can’t exercise in the early morning.  No, I mean I physically CAN’T.  I get out of breath really fast, and develop a nice case of exercise-induced asthma (stop laughing – it’s REAL), even though I’m not an asthmatic in ANY OTHER SITUATION.  Crap.  So it has to be at least a few hours after I get up, and I’m NOT getting up at 2am so that I can start exercising at 5am.  Oh, HELL no. 

So, lunch would be the next logical time, but I don’t always (or even often) leave my desk at work during lunch, and even if I did, exercising turns me tomato-red.  No, really.  You saw that pic of me – I’m SUPER-fair-skinned.  TOMATO.  RED.  Sometimes before I even start breathing hard.  It’s attractive – IF YOU THINK TOMATOES ARE ATTRACTIVE.  (And if you do?  Wow, you’re WEIRD.)  So exercising at lunch is not likely.  I’m not going back to work looking like a member of the vegetable kingdom.

So that leaves after work.  Which is all well and good – I really like spending time in the park after work, but now it is dark in the park after work.  (Suddenly I feel like Dr. Seuss: “dark in the park . . . ”  Wha?)  So THAT leaves out the park, because there are NO LIGHTS in that park.  I could get attacked, or worse (and more likely), run straight into a tree.  Or get attacked by a rabid squirrel (possibly because I ran into its tree, and now its defending its nest).  What?  IT HAPPENS.  I’ve SEEN those shows on Fox: “When Animals Attack!”  I don’t want to be on the next one, ok?

Aaaaaanyway.  (I warned you about the weird mood.  Don’t complain.)  I have joined gyms, but unless they offer REALLY cool classes, I don’t go.  I THINK I’ll go.  But then I don’t.  So what works for me?  Structured classes.  Really.  Ballet lessons, Tae-Kwon-Do lessons, tennis lessons (although it’s too dark now), tap dance lessons (dance lessons of any kind, actually).  Those WORK.  I get excited to go, and even when I don’t WANT to go, I’m so worried that I’ll miss something important (“What do you mean we learned 4 more sets of 8 in the center floor combination AND I MISSED IT?”) that I go, anyway.  And I don’t think about how tired I am, or how sweaty I am, or how much my leg hurts, and whyyyy do I have to do 4 more reps, I’m tiiiiiiired, WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY??????  *stamps feet*  Because I’m too busy thinking about what teacher just said, and how my leg USED to get higher than that, I SWEAR, and on the NEXT 4 reps, I WILL GET MY FUCKING LEG UP THERE, GODDAMMIT.  And then, on the very last one, I do.  And I go home feeling a TREMENDOUS sense of accomplishment, and I’m sore the next day, but I’m SO PROUD OF MYSELF. 

(I actually remember taking a ballet class that was regularly so intense that it literally hurt to MOVE for the next THREE days.  All my friends and I would come into class over the next few days – we had daily classes – and gingerly lower ourselves to the floor so we could put our ballet shoes on, and my teacher would laugh gleefully: “Are you all SORE????”  We loved that teacher, but on those days, we also kind of hated him.)

So why am I not taking lessons of some sort?  Well, because I have limited funds (as do we all), and at the moment I’m trying REALLY hard to pay off some debt.  I’ve paid off almost $10,000 in 18 months, and have about $4000 left to go.  So every month, I look at my extra money, and think about signing up for classes (which would run me about $150 a month, plus any shoes/clothes/whatever I need), and then I look at my dwindling debt, and I want it GONE (because I really want to buy a house next year, and I’m thisclose to being able to afford one, and I also want to invest in stocks because the market is a BUYER’S MARKET right now), so I put all my extra money toward paying that off.  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  But then I whine around and complain about how HARD it is to stick to exercising, and how I don’t know what to doooooooo, because now it’s so daaaaaaaark out, and I wanna go to the paaaaark, but it’s dark, and I caaaaaaan’t, and yoga’s not the saaaaaaame, and whhhhyyyyyyyeeeeeeee?????  *stamps feet*

Ahem.  Yeah.  See how that works?  But that’s what I mean by “TRYING.”  (You thought I forgot about the “trying” part, didn’t you?  Psh.)  IS it really more important to me to pay off debt (and get a house and buy some stocks)?  If so, that’s ok, but I’ve got to stop beating myself up for not doing classes, then.  And if it’s really more important to me to get back into regular exercise, then I need to stop putting that extra money toward the debt, and use it to pay for some cool classes.  Right now I think exercise is more important, but my ACTIONS are treating the debt with more importance.  See what I mean?  I’m not congruent/aligned/focused/whatever.

And ALL of this ties into food, too.  Because I flat-out eat better when I exercise.  I just do.  It’s less of a struggle to eat healthy food when I’m exercising.  (Actually, it’s not that much of a struggle to eat healthy when I’m NOT exercising, but it IS a stuggle to eat in a manner that would help me lose weight, which I really want to do, even-if-it-is-just-societal-conditioning-STOPJUDGINGME!  LOL)  Although in all fairness, my diet has NOT been that healthy the last few weeks, so it needs some readjusting (again).  *SIGH*

So I’ve got some thinking to do about what I really want, and how badly I really want it.  But it’s good to get it all out there, right?  RIGHT??



8 responses to “Trying

  1. First? You are funny. 😉
    Second? Paying off that much debt in that amount of time is AWESOME! and you should be proud.
    Third? I know (think?) you live in Cali-ohmyfuckingodeverythingissoexpensive-fornia so it may be different there, BUT, here? I take fitness classes through the Community college. It costs me $40 to register for as many classes as I want/have time to take AND THAT’S ALL. Just $40. For 16 weeks. Yep it rocks. So maybe that is an option?
    And Lastly? My food choices today have been less than stellar. It happens. (But seriously, they were homemade cookies shaped like pumpikns with orange frosting outlines. And leftover pizza from one of my favorite pizza places. and only a little candy corn. Not to mention my normal breakfast and lunch. Meh. Like I said, it happens.) So what to do? recommit. When you are ready.
    okay, I’ll shut up now. (Happy Halloween)


    am in awe of your debt repaying (Im finally debtfree and am not going there again) and I had no idea about the dance until your comment/this post!

    I actually remember taking a ballet class that was regularly so intense that it literally hurt to MOVE for the next THREE days



    you hath an innerbadass intensity many wish to possess.
    hows the COOKBOOK COMING?

  3. Marste, my darling girl, you are a joy to read.

    So, as always my comment is going to be very me-centric, but I entirely feel you on this one, as I do on almost all of your posts, you’re my sista from another mista, missus.

    I was saying to a friend during the week that I would do anything to have Cameron Diaz’s legs…and then I thought about it…would I do anything? Sure I would. Well…anything except for eating right and exercising, of course.

    Wasn’t it our beloved Miz who instructed us to stop trying and start doing? sigh.

  4. Oh baby, everyone goes through this! Which doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, but at least you have company.

    This post reminded me of two instances in my life where a friend said something to me that really altered my perception of myself and my goals, really gave me a swift kick in the ass. The funny thing is that they are completely opposite words of advice, but each was what I needed at that particular time. I guess you’ll have to figure out which one is appropriate for you right now:

    Advice 1: “You’ve just told me all the reasons why you CAN’T do [goal.] Now what are you going to do about it?”

    Advice 2: “Sometimes all we’re able to do toward achieving a dream is just keep the dream alive.”

  5. My dad runs almost every day between 5 and 6 in the morning. (He also does 50 push-ups every morning. The man is CRAZY.) When it’s super dark, he sometimes uses a headlamp or a flashlight. Headlamps are hands-free (you can carry mace in the other hand!) and can be pretty cheap. Plus, those LED bulbs go FOREVER. So if you really want to run in the park, there are solutions. 😀

  6. Oooh, I have a ‘headlamp’….. I use it when I’m calving cows and need both hands. (did that sound strange…..?)
    The only problem with it is that occasionally it will suddenly flop down and illuminate your nose. And only your nose.

    Great post!

  7. LOL, well I’m glad you guys thought it was funny. I never can tell when I just start mentally barfing how it’s going to come out. Um. So to speak.

    Sassy – I do live in SoCal, and in most places in SoCal there are community colleges where I would do EXACTLY that, but in Los Angeles there are so many professional-caliber studios that none of the community colleges even bother to offer halfway decent dance classes. Which sucks for yours truly. 😛

    Miz, the cookbook is . . . well, it kind of fell by the wayside this last month, so I’m back on track now! LOL Last month was pretty stressful for various reasons. And I’m impressed with your debt-free-ness. I can’t WAIT to be out from under this! Then, I’ll buy a house and have a whole NEW payment! LOL, but it will be my only payment (not even a car payment), which is pretty exciting!

    The hardcore thing, though . . . I don’t know. I think at that point in my life it was more a function of rage and hatred for my body that pushed me that hard. But THAT is a post for another day. 🙂

    Oh, Cara, I hear you on the “almost” anything bit. I do that myself. Er, obviously. LOL

    Marla, it does help to know that it’s common. And I have to say that I’m pretty much at your 1st statement right about now: figuring out what I’m going to do about it.

    LOL, Ki and Bag Lady – I’m not sure I’m secure enough with my self-esteem to sport a headlamp to go running. (And TECHNICALLY the park closes at sundown, so I’d be afraid of getting locked in; it’s gated.) But Ki, seriously? Your dad is CRAZY. Ha!

  8. Wow, still amazed at the debt you paid off…dahling, if you can do that, I believe you can do anything you put your mind to!
    Also – what Marla said, you are NOT alone. Sometimes it takes a coupla false starts before something works!

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