Go, Bucky, GO!!

That’s what my sister and I say to each other when one of us is thinking about something seemingly simple for a leeeeetle teeny bit too long: “Oh, I see that hamster in your brain, running on its wheel.  Go, Bucky, GO!!”  Over years of use we’ve shortened it to just, “Go, Bucky, GO!!”  Yeah.  We’re loving and supportive that way.  (And no, I don’t know why the hamster is named Bucky.  Seemed like a good idea at the time, I guess.  LOL.)

That’s kind of how I’ve been feeling lately, though: like a hamster on a wheel, covering the same ground, not going anywhere new, rehashing and rehashing until there’s nothing left to . . . well, hash, I guess.

I talked a couple of weeks ago about maybe tweaking my diet a little.  I did South Beach.  Stuck to it pretty well, except for a couple of drinks on Saturday nights. 

I gained 3 pounds.

Oh, yeah.  You read that right.  WTF?  This is how I gain weight: not steadily, like some folks.  No, I gain wieght WHEN I DIET.  I’ve come to believe it’s my body’s defense mechanism just in case I start starving myself.  “Oh, look Martha, she’s cutting back on stuff!  Crank up the efficiency!  Store whatever you can!  Batten down the hatches!  It’s gonna be a loooong winter!!!”  (No, I don’t know where “Martha” came from, either.)  Swear to God I gain weight when I diet.  Unless I cut my calories down to something ridculous, but that’s not so great, either.  (No, I won’t tell you how many.  There are ED folks who read this blog that don’t need to read those numbers.)

So today I snapped and had 4 fun-size Snickers bars.  AND THEY WERE GOOD AND I’M NOT SORRY, SO THERE!  LOL. 

Part of it is probably my thyroid, in all fairness.  I’ve been out of the supplements for about 6 weeks and just got them back last Saturday.  Also, on SB I’ve been eating more dairy, which generally causes my digestive system to come to a complete STOP.  I always gain weight when I eat dairy, even if I cut my calories back.  (“But,” protests my inner irrational perfectionist, “the diet SAID it was ok!!”  Um, no.  Not for me it’s not.  Not ever.)  It’s like it takes my body so long to figure out what the hell to do with the dairy that it just stores everything else so it can THINK about this DAIRY shit in its stomach.  (“What do we do with THIS, Harry?”  “I don’t know, Martha – store it somewhere and maybe we’ll think of a use for it later!”)

(Is it weird that all these “people” live in my body?  How about that I give them all names?  Is that weird?  No wait, never mind.  I don’t want to know the answer to that.)

I know how I have to eat in order to lose weight.  No, no!  I don’t mean eat nothing (though that works, too, but it’s BAD, I know).  I mean I know HOW to eat.  I need to eat fairly low-carb (although I’m usually ok with a piece of toast in the morning or a glass of wine at night), medium-to-low-fat, no refined sugar, no dairy, LOTS of lean protein.  But I don’t WANT to eat that way.  (I DON’ WAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!)  I LIKE cheese and butter and sour cream.  I want Atkins to work for me SO BADLY, but . . . it doesn’t.  I gained a lot more on Atkins that I did on SB, lemme tell ya.  And so I keep casting around, hoping that THIS diet will be the one, that THIS diet will answer all my questions, make me skinny, make me taller, make me naturally blond, make me good at ballet AND sports, and show me the true face of God! 

Um, no?  That’s not how it works?  Damn.  I hoped it would.

Seriously, what’s the point of an omelette without cheese?  Or sausage?  What’s the point of regular ol’ eggs with some chicken or ham and veggies inside?  Because did I mention IT HAS NO CHEESE?!  But of course, the point of that would be to lose some weight and to oh, also, by the way, FEEL A LITTLE BETTER.  (No, not a lot – most of the time I feel pretty good, which almost makes it suck MORE.)

I think my brain went into reruns just like my television shows did.

And then the real question: if I know how to eat, if I know what works, IS IT WORTH IT?  How badly do I want to fit into that size 8?  Enough to give up cheese and butter and pasta?  Some days it’s worth it, some days it isn’t.  Some days I’d give my EYE TEETH to wear my skinny jeans again.  Some days, Fuck the world, as long as I feel good and can get up and move around, screw EVERYONE who thinks I should be thinner “just because!”  But still, those skinny jeans call my name.  And then I get mad that they’re calling my name, because why, really, are they?  Because I don’t fit some arbitrary standard set by society?  SCREW THAT. 

Except . . . I look really good in those skinny jeans.  And I know I could do it . . .

Go, Bucky, go.

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12 responses to “Go, Bucky, GO!!

  1. Poor old Martha and Henry! I guess it’s AGAIN that fine line between knowing what to eat to make you healthy and Feel Great, and what to eat to make you lose weight. Again, I have no answers, but I’ll lend you my cheese tolerance if you like? I’m one of those annoying people who quite likes it but can take it or leave it. Whereas, for me, with ice-cream it ain’t over til the tub’s empty.

    Can I just say thanks for posting that 15 minutes thing a while back? I’ve started doing it (for everything – not just the cleaning) and straightening my life out for the first time in a Long Time. It’s hard hard and scary at the moment (I really hadn’t opened my mail since Christmas – I know, I know, it’s a Thing I have), but I’m Doing It and by the end of this week I think I might actually have my life under control and in some kind of order again. Eternally grateful!!!

    TA x

  2. I love the secret words of family.

    (GO BUCKY!!!)
    and you know, it may NOT be worth it right now.

    Im in the process of writing an article on fighting the freshman 15 weight gain and, in an unpopular way, I almost ENCOURAGE the freshman 5 :):

    if it is gained in the name of FUN AND SOCIALIZING or (nudgenudge) creating a COOK BOOK!

    🙂

  3. I think I would cry if I had to give up dairy. ESPECIALLY cheese. I ❤ cheese.

    But seriously? The conundrum of knowing how one should eat, but not eating that way is one I struggle with cyclically. I’ll do a smashing job, and feel great, and be active for about 3-4 months. And then I stop. And eat pizza twice a week, and ice cream too many nights a week, and I’ll quit working out. And that will continue for about a month until I feel disgusting, then I go back to eating right and exercising, and feeling great… for about 3 or 4 months. And so on. I’ve decided that THAT is better than always eating like crap and never working out. Maybe eventually I’ll get to where I don’t backslide into eating like a typical 20 year old bachelor…. (did I mention the copiuos amounts of beer too?)

    I am a work in progress. And I’m okay with that. 🙂

  4. …thus, my enduring love for Dr. Atkins (rest his soul)…*haha!*

    I have *so* been tempted to diet lately – gung-ho dieting, which, for me, would include a low-carb regime. I lost the most weight in my life ever, and kept it off the longest, with an atkins-esque Way of Eating.
    But it is a distorted way of eating.
    I remember one night having “dessert” – cool-wip and almonds – and clearly thinking, “This sucks.”
    It isn’t very satisfying, in the long-run.
    And I want a healthier, non-distorted relationship with food and my body. Really. No matter what.

  5. TA, I’m jealous of your cheese-tolerance! So, so jealous. (Although I have the problem with ice cream, too. Pretty much anything with a creamy texture is like heroin to me.) And I love the 15-minute thing, too! Doesn’t it help SO MUCH?!

    Miz, I know. I think part of the problem for me is that it takes almost as much energy to remember that it’s not worth it as it does to diet, you know? Either way I’m tired and frustrated. Some days I just don’t want to fight the “it’s not worth it” battle. (Yeah. I’m kind of a downer the last couple of days. I can’t WAIT for the thyroid meds to kick in! Ha!)

    Sassy, I’m RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. Except, I think my ratios are reversed. It’s more like eat badly for 3 or 4 months, and then be “perfect” for one! Ha! (Ok, well maybe not QUITE that bad, but you get the idea.) I’m working on it . . .

    Hope, I hear what you’re saying. It’s also important to remember though, that what is distorted for one person may be EXACTLY right for someone else. I actually FEEL better when I eat low-carb, and when I was a vegetarian I was tired ALL THE TIME. But my mom feels better eating a vegetarian diet, and my younger sister feels best eating LOTS of pasta and not a lot of fat. But for me, low-carb really means “less refined sugar,” and I don’t think that’s bad for anyone, honestly. (As for the rest of the low-carb stuff, I’m not a big fruit eater even when I’m NOT dieting; I just like vegetables better. And I don’t really eat a lot of pasta, not because it’s bad for me, but . . . I just don’t tend to eat it. So for me “low-carb” really just means “less crap.”)

    I also think at least for myself, that I have to strike a balance between eating intuitively and eating mindfully. In other words, I often want cheese. It’s really what I want, I don’t want a substitute. But I also know that if I eat it, I’ll be sick for anywhere from 1 hour to 2 days. So I have to balance that decision between eating what I want intuitively and whether or not it really does support my body. (And the thing is, I let my inner-7-year-old win that battle FAR TOO OFTEN, lol.)

    All that said? I would not eat Cool-Whip with almonds, either. (I love Cool-Whip. But it gives me a stomachache.)

  6. Our family has special nicknames for each other. 🙂 Which we still use, by the way. 40 years later. We are nothing if not consistent!
    I hear ya – it is hard to strike a balance. I tried the Atkins diet again recently (I lost 30 lbs oh so many years ago on it) and found that I couldn’t lose weight this time. Why is that?

    I cannot imagine life without cheese either.

    Have a great weekend! and GO BUCKY GO!

  7. LOL – Missicat, my youger sister (who is now 27) still calls me “Batese,” because when she was younger she couldn’t say “Marste.” She even writes it on gift tags!

    It IS weird that Atkins worked for you and then didn’t later. Sometimes I really do wonder if our bodies are calibrated to remember certain things we do to it and prevent them from happening again (like me, gaining weight when I cut calories).

    And you know, soy cheese is NOT the same.

  8. Oh heavens do I hear you on the inner turmoil…some days I reckon I’d happily forgo all food if it meant I could be all collarbones again…other days I’m convinced that being fleshy is fun and chocolate is gooooooood.

    My body has its happy weight, it just so happens that my mind’s is about 10lbs lighter…how ridiculous is it to spend so long torturing myself over 10 measly lbs?? I can lose it all I want but I’m just going to gain it back and then some, and yet knowing this never seems to discourage me from playing with the diet du jour.

    le sigh

  9. I think it’s fine to have all those different people arguing back and forth inside you… so long as they’re paying rent.

    I have the same problem with gaining weight when I diet. I think it’s due to the whacked-out thyroid. I can get by on 1000 calories a day and not feel hungry after the first pangs. But the trouble with that is that I become plant-like; I have no energy or interest in doing anything. The body will go into slug mode if I don’t feed it.

    (Though about the 3 pound weight gain? Have to say I’ve gained/lost that much several times a week. Gotta love that water retention. 😉

  10. Cara, I know EXACTLY what you mean about your body’s happy weight vs. your mind’s happy weight. I have nothing to add, but I feel your pain. 😦

    Merry, I didn’t realize the dissipation of hunger pangs was thyroid-related. My thyroid is whacked-out too, so maybe that’s what it is. I know that in college I was grateful for the idea that if I out-waited my hunger I could skip a meal. And indeed, I was ALWAYS tired. But I was thin, which was what I cared about at the time.

    Unfortunately the 3-pound weight gain was more of a range though: from a range of 176-179 to a range of 180-183. Which I guess is really 4 pounds. How depressing. LOL

  11. I just wrote something about this. Its the eternal dream that if you can fit into those skinny jeans THEN everything will be ok.

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