Well, I won yesterday, anyway. We’ll see about today at the end of the day.
Writing in my last post about walking that fine line between “food as fuel” and “food as comfort” turned out to be prescient. (OOooooohhhh, look at me with the big words! LOL) I’ve been working on my eating habits (again? still? whatever.) for a few days now, and I’ve been adhering to a relatively strict diet.
Yesterday the “buts” started. “But I WANT it! WHY can’t I have it? WHHHHHYYYYYYEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee????” I spent a couple of hours with the Voice in my head: “NO! BAD! NO!” before I thought, “Fuck it, I’m an adult. I CAN EAT THAT IF I WANT IT.”
But I didn’t just shove it into my mouth. I stopped. “Self,” I said, “You are a grown person. You can have those crackers if you want them. Right now you’re trying to do something specific with your body, and those crackers won’t help with that goal. BUT if you’d rather have the crackers, THAT’S OK. You are allowed to choose a different thing. YOU’RE A GROWN UP.”
“Oh. Really? I can have those crackers? They’re not off-limits, out of bounds, FORBIDDEN FOODS? Huh. I actually don’t feel that good when I eat them. Though they are tasty. But . . . well, maybe I don’t really want them after all. Thanks, though.”
“OH, WAIT, WAIT! Can I have them later?”
“Yes. Yes, you can.”
“You sure? No take-backs!”
“I’m sure. No take-backs.”
“Ok. Then I don’t really want them now.”
I think I had that conversation oh, 3 or 4 times yesterday. Always about stuff that I DIDN’T REALLY WANT. I just thought I wasn’t supposed to have it.
And then, it was 3:00pm. That is my personal witching hour. And I wanted a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup from the snack bin. I REALLY wanted it. I ran through the whole above conversation, and realized that YES, I really DID want that peanut butter cup.
So I ate it.
Just one. I only really WANTED one. I didn’t want two or three or ten. Just one. That was enough.
It was enough to KNOW that I could have it. Knowing that I could have it short-circuited the binge voice, the starvation voice (that one’s sneaky: “Oh, look, it’s after lunchtime. You could just wait until dinner to eat. Just wait.”), all the nasty things in my head.
And I didn’t eat crap after dinner, either, because I HAD MY DAMN PEANUT BUTTER CUP. I didn’t want anything else. I hadn’t been thinking about what I could or couldn’t eat all day, building it up (or down) in my head and obsessing over it.
Who knew peanut butter cups had magical powers?
(Well, I did. Why do you think I like them so much?)