Holy cow. That workload I said was doubling, tripling, maybe quadrupling? It’s not going to stop. I’m not exaggerating; they’re in the process of pushing through a promotion for me, which is great – but with a promotion comes a LOT more work.
I’ve also learned that when I don’t write, all that stress just builds up in my system.
I stopped eating carbs last week – sort of. I say sort of because I was still drinking wine at night, and didn’t want to mess with changing my diet AND my drinking at the same time. So I stopped drinking this week. Sunday, to be precise. And funny thing: without that extra sugar hit, those carb cravings that hadn’t hit at all last week? Hit HARD yesterday and today.
Also, (TMI alert) my period is 2 days late, so I am currently Miss Bitchy McBitcherton, the bitchiest bitch in Bitchytown. (No boys on the scene at the moment, so the late P is due to stress, I’m guessing.) That might also have something to do with the raging sugar cravings, now that I think of it. I might not have ditched the carbs at the smartest time of the month. Ahem.
Part of the reason I decided to lower the carbs in my diet was because I knew it woud mean I’d need to cut back on the drinking. But over the last two days, I think I at least figured out WHY I drink so much: without the constant numbness of alchohol, my body-hatred is THROUGH THE FREAKIN’ ROOF. Last week wasn’t really any different from this week except for the drinking, but this week – even though it’s only been a couple of days – I can’t put food in my mouth without feeling like a COW. And it doesn’t matter what food it is: vegetables, protein, sugar, fat. Does. Not. Matter. No wonder I drink. That Crazy Bitch voice SUCKS. If I weren’t so afraid of killing off my liver by the time I’m 40, I’d bust out a bottle of wine every night and suck it down post-haste. Whatever it takes to get that voice to stop.
After 2 whole days without alcohol and carbs, Crazy Bitch is convinced that because the scale hasn’t moved, I’ve already FAILED at this endeavor, too. I know that’s irrational, but when it’s screaming through your head over and over and over and over and over and OVER it gets hard not to listen.
Did I mention that I’ve also been eating a lot of dairy lately? Which my body doesn’t like at all, and which may not make me gain weight very quickly (although it will do that slowly), but DEFINITELY stops me from losing anything, even in the short term.
So when I cook food for next week (I always do my cooking on Saturday), no sugar (I can’t really say NO carbs, because I’ve been eating beans and I refuse to count the carbs in veggies – they’re VEGGIES, for fuck’s sake!), but just as important: NO DAIRY.
Did I mention I’m cranky? And bitchy? And stressed? And having a serious case of the “poor-me’s?” ‘Cause I am.
But at least I’m writing again.
(But I better get my period soon or someone is going to get hurt. Seriously. Probably an innocent bystander, the poor schmuck.)