Physician, heal thyself

Hey, I just noticed that my last post was my 100th post.  Neat! 

Anyway.

So after yesterday when I was all (insert holier-than-thou voice here), “Oh I haven’t binged in forever and it’s all because of Intuitive Eating, and oh, by the way I’m kind of on a diet, but kind of not, because it’s just for my health, but I’m losing weight and not eating refined carbs” and on and on and on? 

Um, yeah.  Last night?  Was not so great.  I’ve been really depressed for the last couple of days (ok, 4 or 5 days), for no reason that I can pin down.  Seriously.  The kind of depressed where I left the grocery store on Saturday, got in the car, and just started crying.  No reason for it.  Wasn’t even sad about anything specific. 

I actually wondered if it was because I was eating fewer carbs, since carbs are nature’s Special Mood Regulators (“potatoes not prozac” and all that jazz).  I wasn’t totally sure, but the fact that I’d been thinking about bread and sugar a LOT over the last week (you know, when I was trying not to eat so much of it) made me think that it was either my body telling me it needed carbs, or it was my brain obsessing over them because OMG I CAN’T EAT THEM!!!  *sigh*  And neither one of those scenarios is a good one.

So last night was my very first binge in a VERY long time.  Interesting how it coincides so neatly with NOT eating intuitively, dammit.  And it wasn’t really a “binge” by anyone’s standards but mine: I had a couple of those “chick beers” (you know those Hard Lemonade things?  I LOVE those) and a piece of cake that was in the freezer.  And some coleslaw.  And 2 glasses of wine.  (But it was red wine, so it was good for me, right?  RIGHT?  LOL)  But it was a binge by MY standards – not because of how much I ate but because of WHY and HOW I was eating: mindlessly and uncontrollably, standing over the sink just shoveling it in as fast as I could (which is really embarassing to admit, btw).  And it was specifically sugar that I was after, which ties back in with trying to eat fewer refined carbs and either needing them physically or obsessing over them mentally (I’m still not sure which it was – probably a combination of the two).

I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll sort of split the difference and go back to eating oatmeal in the morning for breakfast, and see what that does to my system.  The really sucky part is that I was kind of enjoying the weight loss (which yeah, I know is dangerous territory for me, but there you go).  And now the thought of eating oatmeal every morning freaks me right the hell out: BUT WHAT IF I STOP LOSING WEIGHT???  SCREW FEELING BETTER!  I WANNA BE SKINNY!!11!!!!eleventy-one!!!

Ahem.  Crazy Bitch, anyone?  Anyone?  If you want her, you can have her.  No? No takers?  Damn.

Either way, I’m back to the question: when you know something makes you sick, how do you eat less of it without obsessing over it to the point of insanity?  You know, that whole, “Must not eat sugar, must not eat sugar, MUST EAT SUGAR” phenomenon. 

Maybe I just need to make myself really, really, REALLY sick a few times.  Aversion therapy works wonders on stuff like that.  (Kidding, I’m kidding.  I think.)

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12 responses to “Physician, heal thyself

  1. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when immersing oneself into a “plan.” Maybe you should set more specific guidelines. No refined flours or sugars and no artificial sweeteners or fillers is a nice one to start out with. You’ll be suprised how quick the cravings die off when you eliminate only the fake human-made crap first.

    Best wishes 🙂

  2. When you figure all this out, please share the *secret* with us. I need to be healed, too. =)

  3. What chiarunner said…..start with baby steps! I definitely haven’t figured it all out by a long shot, but I know if I set smaller, more easily obtainable goals to begin with, I am encouraged to set bigger ones.
    I hear ya on the binging – mine is quite similar, not a huge amount by some folk’s standards, but big by mine! Friday night: hamburger, fries and red wine. eeek!

  4. Thanks, guys. The thing is, I don’t eat that many non-refined carbs, so pretty much all I cut out was the man-made ones, and I still had problems.

    But I also know that my brain and the remnants of my disordered eating have something to do with the “MUST EAT SUGAR” scenario. That whole “I want what I can’t have thing” kicks in and makes me crazy and obsessive.

    And it wasn’t WHAT I ate so much as HOW I ate it, if that makes sense. Honestly, if I’d been sitting around with friends, eating socially, I wouldn’t call it a binge (even if I’d eaten a lot more.) But standing over the sink, eating so fast that I’m almost swallowing food whole, not really tasting any of it? That’s a WHOLE different ballgame for me. It’s a mental/emotional thing more than a physical thing: it’s a feeling of panic and compulsion, and more a method of self-medication, like drinking or using drugs. Something to keep me from having to face whatever is bubbling in the dark part of my brain.

    *sigh* Clearly, it’s time to modify the plan. AGAIN. 😛

  5. Marste, I think sometimes that you need to relapse like that to appreciate how good you are when you’re doing well. It’s easy to take it all for granted when you’ve not had any issues in a while.

    Anyway, the road to recovery is always a bumpy one, it’s getting right back on the horse when you fall off that is the important thing, not dwelling on the fall.

  6. Cara, that’s a really good point. I tend to forget that when I’m in the middle of it, but I guess it’s really the getting back up that matters more than the starting off. Thanks.

  7. New here. I don’t know much, except that making yourself really really sick a few times doesn’t work. It’s amazing that you truly do forget how awful getting sick feels while you are sick… Good luck and keep trying though – the more often you try, the more often you succeed (even if it simply odds!).

  8. for me it was baby steps.

    I cant do much processed white at all but it WAS the aversion therapy about which you jest 🙂

    to many times waking up bloated (and itchy. dont ask) from eating even moderate amounts and I finallyhad my AH HA moment.

  9. This is something I struggle with as well. (BTW, new to your site–came here through MizFit. Love the Intuitive Eating posts!) For me, sugar and alcohol almost always trigger binges. Almost always. So I believe in my heart of hearts that I need to stay away from them. BUT by forcing myself to abstain from sugar and alcohol, am I actually setting myself up for a binge because I feel deprived? ARRRRGH! If you figure it out, please please let me know…

  10. Maybe you feel sad because you’re denying yourself something you want. Denial is not fun. Denial is punishment. Your brain is only sad because it thinks you are being mean to yourself.

    Of course, you’re not being mean to yourself at all. So the trick is to reframe – you aren’t punishing your body in the pursuit of weight loss. That was back in the bad old days. This time it’s all about doing your body a favour. You are helping yourself.

    It is a positive action, not a negative one.

    Nice blog by the way (I’m another Mizfit immigrant!)

    TA x

  11. DUDE!
    First of all what was that cake doing in your fridge???? Han?
    Second, don’t freak out, you are trying different things and your body’s responding-take that info in and work with it.
    So what you binged, shit happens, today’s a new day, focus on doing what’s best for you today….and that lingering sadness you r experiencing, I think it’s got to do with where we are in life, trying to figure things out and feeling overwhelmed at times—not sure how we deal with it-I am just taking them in and trying to focus on things, other than cookies, that uplift me. Have a great one!
    K.
    til-i-reach.com

  12. Yeah, I hear what everyone is saying. I’ve had some luck with unintentional aversion therapy in the past (LOL) but I’m not really sure I want to put myself through misery just to remember it, you know? Ick.

    And the comments about forced abstention leading to binges and reframing it as something good for my body (um, not the bingeing; the eating better) are definitely things to think about.

    I also have to remember what you said Miz, about baby steps. My problem is that I want it NOWNOWNOW!!! LOL

    And you know what’s funny? That cake has been in my freezer since . . . oh, probably January or February. It makes me feel better to know it’s there if I want it, but I haven’t had the desire to eat it since I started the Intuitive Eating. But as soon as I STOPPED IE? That was when I wanted it. Meh.

    Sometimes progress just seems like running in circles!! Ha!

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