Hey, I just noticed that my last post was my 100th post. Neat!
So after yesterday when I was all (insert holier-than-thou voice here), “Oh I haven’t binged in forever and it’s all because of Intuitive Eating, and oh, by the way I’m kind of on a diet, but kind of not, because it’s just for my health, but I’m losing weight and not eating refined carbs” and on and on and on?
Um, yeah. Last night? Was not so great. I’ve been really depressed for the last couple of days (ok, 4 or 5 days), for no reason that I can pin down. Seriously. The kind of depressed where I left the grocery store on Saturday, got in the car, and just started crying. No reason for it. Wasn’t even sad about anything specific.
I actually wondered if it was because I was eating fewer carbs, since carbs are nature’s Special Mood Regulators (“potatoes not prozac” and all that jazz). I wasn’t totally sure, but the fact that I’d been thinking about bread and sugar a LOT over the last week (you know, when I was trying not to eat so much of it) made me think that it was either my body telling me it needed carbs, or it was my brain obsessing over them because OMG I CAN’T EAT THEM!!! *sigh* And neither one of those scenarios is a good one.
So last night was my very first binge in a VERY long time. Interesting how it coincides so neatly with NOT eating intuitively, dammit. And it wasn’t really a “binge” by anyone’s standards but mine: I had a couple of those “chick beers” (you know those Hard Lemonade things? I LOVE those) and a piece of cake that was in the freezer. And some coleslaw. And 2 glasses of wine. (But it was red wine, so it was good for me, right? RIGHT? LOL) But it was a binge by MY standards – not because of how much I ate but because of WHY and HOW I was eating: mindlessly and uncontrollably, standing over the sink just shoveling it in as fast as I could (which is really embarassing to admit, btw). And it was specifically sugar that I was after, which ties back in with trying to eat fewer refined carbs and either needing them physically or obsessing over them mentally (I’m still not sure which it was – probably a combination of the two).
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll sort of split the difference and go back to eating oatmeal in the morning for breakfast, and see what that does to my system. The really sucky part is that I was kind of enjoying the weight loss (which yeah, I know is dangerous territory for me, but there you go). And now the thought of eating oatmeal every morning freaks me right the hell out: BUT WHAT IF I STOP LOSING WEIGHT??? SCREW FEELING BETTER! I WANNA BE SKINNY!!11!!!!eleventy-one!!!
Ahem. Crazy Bitch, anyone? Anyone? If you want her, you can have her. No? No takers? Damn.
Either way, I’m back to the question: when you know something makes you sick, how do you eat less of it without obsessing over it to the point of insanity? You know, that whole, “Must not eat sugar, must not eat sugar, MUST EAT SUGAR” phenomenon.
Maybe I just need to make myself really, really, REALLY sick a few times. Aversion therapy works wonders on stuff like that. (Kidding, I’m kidding. I think.)