And the above post (Part 1) leads me to this: since I started eating fewer refined carbs, there has been an interesting side effect: I’m losing weight.
Six months ago, I would have been STOKED, but now? Now I’m not sure I’m happy about it. Or rather, the disordered part of my brain is jumping up and down, pumping its fists in the air and screaming “YESSSSSS! ON OUR WAY TO SKINNY, BABY!” But the sane part of me is saying, “Dammit. I was just finally, FINALLY getting to the point where the Crazy Bitch in my head was quieting down and I was getting to be ok with just taking care of myself for the sake of JUST TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.”
So this is weird. I’m simultaneously excited and dismayed that the numbers on the scale are dropping. And I’m losing fast, so I know it’s water weight, not REAL weight, blah, blah, blah, but still. It seriously takes every bit of self-control I have not to get on the scale. A LOT. (I tried to put it in the closet and make it inconvenient, but that didn’t work. And throwing it out is so NOT gonna happen yet. It gives me anxiety attacks to even think about that – which is ironic, since when I was the most disordered, I didn’t HAVE a scale. I was all about the tape measure.)
Now, bear in mind that my losing weight could be attributable to a number of things. I’m finally getting into the habit of taking thyroid supplements, which means I’m taking them more regularly (ahem). And there is the lack of carbs, for whatever that’s worth. And the fact that I recently started getting more active again lately. And the fact that I’m also taking some other supplements for other problems. AND the fact that my blood sugar isn’t spiking and dropping (because of fewer refined carbs). So basically, my body is starting to regulate itself.
There are SO MANY factors for why I’m losing weight (and I know that my weight could level out any minute), but all I can hear in my head is Crazy Bitch muttering things like, “See, all that time you really WERE just lazy and slobby and FATFATFATFATFAT!!! You could have lost the weight if you had just RESTRICTED a LITTLE MORE and EXERCISED a LITTLE MORE. You were just a lazy, bad FATTY and you’re STILL a lazy, bad FATTY! You. Are. Disgusting.” But. I know that because of my jacked-up metabolism, I would have had to get down to no more than 800 calories a day, with at least 60 minutes of hard-core, barf-inducing cardio in order to lose weight. (I’ve done it. It’s not fun.) In retrospect, I’m sure my thyroid had something to contribute to my inability to lose weight, too (although I didn’t know it at the time). So the REALITY is that restricting my food “a LITTLE MORE” and exercising a “LITTLE MORE” would NOT NOT NOT have made a difference. I KNOW I’m not lazy or undisciplined or any of that shit.
But it’s still tough to hear in my head. And every time that scale drops, I hear it again. (Because yanno, you’re only a worthwhile human being if you’re thin. Whatever.)
On the other hand, maybe that’s a good thing. Getting on the scale activates the issue, and I can grapple with it directly. I don’t want to ignore Crazy Bitch and pretend that she’s not there – I want her OUT. So avoiding the things that “trigger” Crazy Bitch isn’t the answer, at least not for me. Six months ago I wouldn’t have been strong enough to sit in my head and hear her ranting without capitulating entirely: “You’re right, I’m sorry, I don’t even deserve to EAT AT ALL.” Now, after reading all the FA blogs in the feeds and in my blogroll I can sit there and listen to her and still say, “Yeah, but you are in-fucking-SANE, Crazy Bitch. And you’re wrong. So shut the hell up, because YOUARENOTTHEBOSSOFME!!!!” (Sometimes that inner 7-year-old is handy, you know? LOL)
Aaaaaanyway. Life is . . . “entertaining,” these days. 😉