I have a confession to make.
I’ve been counting points. Even during that post I wrote last week about Crazy Bitch. Even then, I was counting points. As in Weight Watchers Points. ::::sigh:::: Crazy Bitch is very, very sneaky, yes she is.
At first it was “no big deal.” I was “just curious.” Then I realized that I was pretty close to the “recommended” WW guidelines, so hey, what was a little planning? I could plan my meals the next day to be within a certain number of Points, right? Sure. What could POSSIBLY be the harm in that?
Oh, how easily I forget.
I forget the mental anxiety that comes with being faced with unpredictable situations. I forget that I turn down lunch dates because I have a “food plan” and I have to “stick to it.” I forget that if I don’t have the “right” food or that if forget my lunch at home, I will FREAK THE FUCK OUT. I forget that suddenly I won’t eat certain foods, not just today, but not at ALL because OMG I’LL USE UP ALL MY POINTS. I forget that when I invariably slip up and eat those foods, it sometimes leads to a binge and that it ALWAYS leads to serious self-flagellation over what a weak person I am. I forget that I skip cake at birthday celebrations and parties, and spend the whole party trying to conceal that fact, instead of enjoying the company of my friends. I forget that in order not to make it obvious that I’m skipping food, I’ll carry it around and then discreetly throw it out. And then when I’m starving later, I’ll go home and eat TWICE as much food as I would have at the party because I’m SO. FUCKING. HUNGRY. And that, of course, leads to more of the above-mentioned self-flagellation.
How quickly I forget all of that.
But at the same time, I know I need to change how I eat and what I eat, because of those health issues I mentioned in another post. And the thing is, because of the hypoglycemia, my skills at Intuitive Eating are not so great. I crave simple carbohydrates when my blood sugar is low, when what I SHOULD be eating (yes, I used the “should” word) is protein. The thought of protein makes me gag at that point, but when I choke it down, damned if I don’t feel better in about 10 minutes. I’d probably do really well on a low-carb diet of some sort, but as soon as I “can’t have” something, that’s EXACTLY what I want to eat. Low-carb? I want PASTA. Low-fat? I want CREAM in my COFFEE, dammit.
I used to think that was just evidence of my lack of willpower, but now I’m more inclined to think that it’s because I’m paying so much more attention to what I can’t have (since I’m “watching out” for it everywhere) that it makes me think about it more, which makes me WANT it more. So following that logic, I’d be better off just trying to eat a “balanced” diet, but at this point, I don’t really have a concept of what that even IS anymore – there are so many different “balanced” diets out there, all claiming that the others are bad. And then I come full circle, stop, back to the fact that for me, personally, white flour really fucks with my system. So can I eat pasta? Yes. Will it make me sick as all hell? Well, yes. So I probably shouldn’t eat it. And then full circle AGAIN, back to the fact that I want what I can’t have.
I keep telling myself that “can’t” have and “shouldn’t” have and “CHOOSE NOT TO” have are very, very different things. I can have pasta, and “should” or “shouldn’t” shouldn’t(!) come in to play. It’s a choice. Each choice has different consequences: I can eat pasta and not have the craving but feel sick, or I can choose to NOT eat pasta, and I might still have the craving but I won’t feel sick. But sometimes that’s hard to remember in the deluge of messages telling me what I “should” and “shouldn’t” eat.
But obviousy, I “SHOULDN’T” be counting goddam POINTS.
(Note to self: try not to forget that this time, ok?)