Shifting ground

Here’s another post that starts with, “Over the last few weeks . . . ”  I gotta get some new material, LOL.  Either that or start writing more frequently again, so stuff doesn’t pile up!

Anyway, over the last few weeks things have been tough, emotionally speaking.  I’ve been dealing with the cognitive dissonance created by trying to lose weight while simultaneously trying to learn to love myself the way that I am, I’ve been dealing with the stress of learning a new aspect of my job, I’ve been dealing with the fact that as much as I want to be an actor, I can’t always seem to get off my ass and go do the things that would help me along that path.  I’ve also been dealing with financial stress, because although I’m not in any trouble, I’m thinking about buying a house while the market is still low, and so although I’m not stressed about paying my bills now, I’m a little stressed at the thought of “Buying A House.”  I’m also dealing with the realization that although I always thought I didn’t want kids, I’m really thinking that I’d like to adopt.  And in order to do that, I have to make enough money to support myself and a kid, and frankly a beginning actor’s lifestyle isn’t exactly that kind of a life. 

Oh, and did I mention that my mom and I are writing a cookbook in preparation to pitch a cooking show to the Food Network?  That, too.  😛

So Mom came up this weekend and yesterday we went to Ikea to look at some furniture.  We were wandering around the fake living rooms, and came across one that I LOVED: white wood floors, white kitchen cupboards, overstuffed furniture.  I looked at that room and thought, SOLD!  I want a house.  And that was sort of the last crack in the dam, so to speak.  All the things I’d been worrying about over the last several weeks and months came flooding to the front of my mind. 

When my mom and I got home yesterday, we sat down and I just cried.  I love acting, but I’m not willing to be here in another 10 years, auditioning, working not-so-great jobs and freaking out with excitement if I manage to land a 1-liner in a commercial.  I have a friend in her mid-40s who’s in that position, and although she seems happy, it’s not a life that I want for myself.  I want a house, I want to be able to take vacations and have friends and family around.  I want kids running in and out of the house, I want a family – an unconventional one, maybe, since I don’t want to get married, and I’d rather adopt than “have” kids – but a family, nonetheless.  (Frankly, if I could have Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s arrangement, I’d be a happpy camper.)  And as far as I can tell, none of those things are compatible with acting, unless you’ve either already made it as an actor and are fairly established, or you’ve married someone with enough money to provide for 80% of that lifestyle, while you contribute the remaining 20%.  Since I have neither of those things, I’ve been dealing with the realization that the “plan” I had for my life isn’t exactly working out the way I thought it would.  (I keep thinking of that old joke: “How do you make God laugh?  Tell him your plans.”)

And on top of all that, there are things that I really don’t like about acting: I don’t like that I have to drop everything and take off when I get an audition.  I’ve bailed on weekend plans with friends and boyfriends because a last-minute audition came up, and I had to go.  I don’t like the constant physical scrutiny I’m under.  I don’t like the uncertainty of the profession: always wondering if I’ll get another job after this one. 

But I can’t see myself living out the rest of my life in an office.  I know it sounds funny to say that my “fall-back plan” is to go climb the corporate ladder at Major Movie Studio and wind up as a Senior VP in Marketing, but that’s really the case.  I figure if I started now, I’d make VP in 10 years, and SVP in 10 years after that.  It’s a good life: my boss has a house worth several million dollars, a wife that doesn’t have to work, kids who went to private schools and private colleges.  But I don’t know if the trade-off is worth it.  I don’t know if I am willing to show up in an office every day for the rest of my life.  That’s the fall-back plan, if nothing else pans out.  (LOL, not a bad fall-back plan though, I have to admit.  In fact, it would be many people’s first-choice plan!)

Anyway, so I came home yesterday and did some thinking.  I talked with my mom a lot, and came away with some new plans, and some realizations.  Go read part 2 of this post, because this is getting too freakin’ long: WordPress says I’m at 865 words here.  😛

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3 responses to “Shifting ground

  1. You and I go through so many similar thoughts right now, are you 30 or thereabout? I wonder if all this questioning has to do with being this age…Anyway glad 2 know u r well,
    K.

  2. Hey! Yeah, I’m 30. I’ll be 31 in a couple of months. 🙂

  3. ha! I turned 31 this week! no wonder. How have you been? I’ve been absorbed with work and kinda out of control with everything else, getting back on track tho. Hope to read you soon
    K.

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