Fuckety-fuck-fuck. Last night was not good. ::::sigh:::: No, I take that back – I’m trying really hard not to think in terms of “good” or “bad,” just “different.” But I’m not feeling so great today. I did ok yesterday; I even had allotted points so I could have some popcorn and a glass of wine. As it turned out, I had enough points for two glasses of wine. I was actually really glad because I had opened a fairly nice bottle the other night, and wanted to be able to drink it rather than throw out the remainder. Problem is, 2 glasses is just enough alcohol to make me think that another drink would be a GREAT idea! So normally, if I want a glass of wine, I have one. ONE. But last night I had two. And then the margaritas and chips were calling my name: “Maaaaaaaaaaarsteeeeeeeee . . . . we’re over heeeeeeeeeere. And we’re so taaaaaaastyyyyyyyy . . . .” You get the idea. So I had another drink (just one, but that made 3, which was 2 more than I should have had, and 3 more than I needed), and most of a bag of chips. They were baked, but still. Craptastic.

And the thing is, I had a moment before I started on the margarita and the chips, where I actually thought, “This is why you always hate yourself in the morning. You should just go to sleep and call it a day.” But I didn’t want to go to sleep because I was reading a good book. And then I got all “You are not the boss of me!” and ate and drank myself silly. Can anyone say, “cutting off your nose to spite your face?” Jesus.

So today I am dehydrated, I feel like shit (not quite hungover; just general white-flour/alcohol induced shittiness), I am alternately beating myself up and trying NOT to beat myself up, and just generally feeling low.

And somewhere in the last week I started playing the “weight loss” game, instead of the “more energy” game. There are different rules, you know. The “weight loss” game says, “Hey! I have extra points left over! I could have chips and margaritas! And if I exercise, I’ll even get some EXTRA points to spend!” The “energy game,” on the other hand, says, “Hm. I know I have extra points left, but I’m not really hungry. But I do have some time before bed, so maybe I’ll take a bath or do some yoga, go read for an hour and then go to bed early. That way I’ll feel great tomorrow.” Now let me see . . . which one of those games is healthier? ::::makes thinking faces::::: Oh, could it be . . . I think it’s . . . oh, no wait! Wait . . . Maybe . . . . is it . . . I think it’s . . . oh God this is so hard to decide . . . I think . . . YES! Definitely game number 2, Bob. Definitely.

For fuck’s sake. Why do I do this to myself? I KNOW what the outcome will be. (Definition of insanity: doing the same thing and expecting different results!) And now I’m feeling all pouty and “poor me” and I HATE that! Aarrgghh!


6 responses to “Sabotage

  1. You make me laugh!

    I was not so good yesterday either. But I ate some watermelon and apple which is healthier than usual for me.

    So I patted myself on the back for that.

    I bet you did something yesterday that you can pat yourself on the back for too!

  2. Yeah, well. I did well UNTIL I had that second glass of wine. So I could pat myself on the back for that, except that I generally can do pretty well until 8 o’clock hits. And I can just go to bed earlier, but 8 O’FUCKING-CLOCK?? Never gonna happen. 😛 So I kind of feel like the rest of the day doesn’t count, you know?

    But congratulations on watermelon and apple!! You know what’s really good, is if you buy seedless watermelon and throw it in the blender. There’s so much moisture in the fruit that it blends right up and tastes like a smoothie! Mmmmmmm . . .

  3. Hey dude- I just noticed you have me linked! Hooray! Thanks! Can I link to you as well?
    I need to catch up….

  4. Hey, Jenni! By all means, please link! 😀 Love your blog . . .

  5. I found myself stealing your expression.

    Today when the kids were giving me a headache, I was thinking, “Fuckity fuk fuk.”

    Hee hee

  6. ::::cracks up:::: It’s one of my favorite expressions. I can’t take credit for it, though: I stole it from Hugh Grant in “Four Weddings and a Funeral.” It’s even funnier with floppy hair and a British accent! 😀

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