You know, I originally mis-typed that post title as “WRITER’S GLOCK.” I wonder if that says something about my frame of mind. (Or maybe it just says that I need to cut back on the episodes of “Criminal Minds” right before I go to bed. Could be that, too.)
You know when you start to write things and then think, “well . . . that’s not really EXACTLY true . . . “ Yeah. That’s kind of where I am. I can’t get my thoughts to run coherently, and I think, “Well, it’s because I’m just really busy.” But no . . . it’s more because I’m staying up too late at night, watching aforementioned “Criminal Minds” reruns, and now I’m just too damn tired to string words together.
I wrote a couple of posts ago about slowly phasing grains out of my diet. Which I’m still kind of doing. (With an eventual eye on “really” doing.) The reason I say “kind of” is that it was (gently) pointed out to me by my awesome nutritionist that I need to be careful of the fine line between doing something because I feel better and doing something because it allows me to feel in control. She pointed out that even though I’ve come a long way, I still tend to drift slowly toward Food Rules, the way a sleepy driver drifts slowly but inexorably out of her own lane.
I was SHOCKED. SHOCKED, I TELL YOU. What Food Rules? I don’t have Food Rules! “Well . . . ” she mused. “You say a lot of things like, ‘No one needs that much sugar,’ and ‘If I’m hungry and want Red Vines, I should just freaking eat some lunch,’ and ‘Processed foods are just bad.’ And maybe all those things are true and maybe they’re not, but you seem very RIGID in those beliefs.” Basically she said (and now I’m paraphrasing), ‘You need to be careful not to let reasons for taking care of yourself become rationalizations for exerting control.’ (I TOLD you she was awesome.)
She asked me, as an exercise, how I would feel about eating a “bad” food as a snack, with another food, maybe a couple of days a week. Eat a serving of potato chips with an apple in the afternoon, or have 3 or 4 Red Vines with lunch. Not every day, but 2 or 3 days a week, in an effort to remove the stigma from them.
DUDES. I. FROZE. You want me to what???? PLAN to eat JUNK FOOD??? WHAT KIND OF DIABOLICAL PLOT IS THIS!?!?!?!
Innnnnnteresting . . . See, here’s the thing: I tend to eat sugar/carbs/whatever a few times a week, ANYWAY. But it’s usually a mindless, spur-of-the-moment-oh-God-it’s 3-in-the-afternoon-and-I-need-a-Frappucino kind of thing. It’s not PLANNED. It’s almost . . . accidental. And accidents are just anomalies, right? Even if the accidentally happen a few times a week, RIGHT? And accidents are totally forgivable, because HEY! ACCIDENT! Right? But PLANNING to eat processed, junky, off-any-approved-diet foods? HERESY, I SAY. NO ONE NEEDS TO EAT THAT MUCH CRAP. (See what I did there? ;))
The funny thing is, I didn’t even really realize I felt that way until I was faced with the prospect of planning to eat chips/licorice/frozen yogurt. And after my initial freeze-up, the first thing that came to my mind was, “Well, MAYBE I could do that on Tuesday and Thursday, since I go running those days anyway, and . . . oh, shit. This is the rationalization she’s talking about.” And even funnier? I’m already freaking out at the thought of planning for something like that twice a week, but it’s not like I’m not ALREADY EATING CHIPS, ETC. A FEW TIMES A WEEK, ANYWAY. (That was thought #2, by the way: “Maybe if I have them 2 or 3 times a week I can eliminate them all the other days that I’m ‘accidentally’ eating them, and then . . . oh, shit. This is more rationalization.”)
True story: I could not bring myself to pack chips for a snack today. And then I was so stressed out because I was SUPPOSED to pack them, and I DIDN’T and I’M DOING IT WRONG that I ate frozen yogurt and 2 cookies in the afternoon, and then followed it up with half a bag of chips for dinner. *sigh* Good times.