Remember that virus I mentioned in the last post? Well, it wasn’t really a virus. It was more like a nervous breakdown.
What? They’re pretty much the same, right? No? Fine.
I started cracking Thursday night. By Friday mid-morning I was crying. And crying. And crying. And then not crying. And then crying again. That lasted all through the weekend, into today. This morning I went to work for a few hours, and left at noon. I’m out of sick days (mountains of stress will do that to you), so I just took the hours without pay. OH WELL.
I would take tomorrow off, but . . . wait for it . . . I have jury duty. And I’ve postponed it twice, so I can’t postpone it again. (The first time they called me I was moving, and the second time my Grandpa was dying.) I wonder if random crying jags will get me excused? Hell, it’s not even like they’ll be fake!
So this afternoon I had some counseling, and took a nap. Part of the problem I think, is that I’ve got all this stressful stuff going on, and yet I’ve chosen this time to decide to get my eating-disordered act together: I’ve basically ripped my (maladaptive) coping mechanism out from under my own feet. And bruised my tailbone on the landing. Ouch.
Today I focused on the most recent stress: my grandma dying, and missing her funeral. I realized that part of the reason I’m so upset, far more so than I expected to be, is because she was really my only ally on that side of the family. With the execption of a few cousins, she was the only one who was actually nice to me. She was the one who LIKED me, and I liked her, too. And with her death, it’s like I’ve lost a whole family instead of just one member. In some ways that’s good: I can’t say that I’m sorry not to have to attend another dysfunctional family gathering, but at the same time, it’s having more of an impact than I thought it really would. So that sucks, and I’m dealing with it.
In other news, tomorrow’s Beck assignment is to find a Diet Coach. Since I have my Motivational Matchup (hi, Beth! and thanks, MizFit and PriorFatGirl!), I’m pretty set there. So I don’t have to add an extra project on tomorrow as far as Beck is concerned. I can just keep plugging away at eating slowly and giving myself credit for things. (Also at reading the cards, but that’s the easiest thing for me.)
All of which means I can bury myself in a novel at jury duty tomorrow. (Or take the computer. Do they have internet there? I have no idea.)