Do People Really Only Eat Sitting Down? SERIOUSLY??

Today was a MUCH better day than yesterday.  There were no big-boss-departures announced, no meltdowns on the phone, no roses that smelled like Grandma’s house.

Thank God.  I don’t think I could have taken another day like that.

Crazy voice has definitely kicked in, though.  I put my hair up this morning, and standing in front of the mirror, from the depths of my psyche, that snotty little voice said, “Hello, fat girl.”  Ouch.  And I immediately started to get sucked in, to feel BAD AND MAD AND SAD and like there was no point in even trying and andandand.  And then I stopped.  And I just stood there for a minute, waiting it out.  And I realized something.  (One of those things was that I should stop starting sentences with the word “and.”)  I realized that that part of Crazy voice is how I justify not changing.  It’s the part of me that is so, SO afraid that if I try, I will fail.  It’s the part of me that thinks deep down, it would be better not to try, better to just remain a medium-sized failure than to give it my best shot and be a HUGE failure.  What’s that saying?  “It’s better to be thought an idiot than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.”  That’s kind of how I feel.

So I went to work, and printed out little cards.  Beck calls them Response Cards, and you print the “sabotaging thought” at the top, and then all the counter-thoughts underneath it.  Then you read it when you’re in a bad way.  And you know something?  It seems to be helping.  (Of course, I have about 12 copies of each card, and I have them stashed freakin’ EVERYWHERE.  It’s amazing how much I hate on myself.)

Day 3’s assignment is to eat sitting down.  At first I thought that was no big deal, I could do that.  And then I kept reading.  I have to sit down for EVERYTHING.  If I want a spoonful of peanut butter for a snack, I have to SIT DOWN for it.  If I just want a piece of cheese, I have to sit down.  No bites of anything, no tasting what I’m cooking (I do draw the line at that, because how else am I supposed to know if it’s seasoned properly??).  Weight Watchers used to refer to those as the BLTs: Bites, Licks and Tastes.  And in the last couple of days, while I haven’t been Sitting Down, I HAVE been paying more attention to what I eat standing up – most often while fixing something else. 

Turns out I eat a fair amount before my dinner ever hits the table.  Some days that’s because I just didn’t eat enough during the day, and I’m freakin’ HUNGRY.  Other times, it’s just convenient, or it just looks good.  (Sun-dried tomatoes go in the shrimp and quinoa?  Well, I’ll just snag a couple tomatoes out of the olive-oil-filled jar to eat!!)

We’ll see how I do tomorrow (which is the official Thou Shalt Sit Down day).  Like I said, I’ve already decided that if I’m cooking, and tasting to check for seasonings, I’ll continue to do that.  What I won’t do is continue to “taste” after the seasoning is right (because you know, it just tastes really GOOD).  And if I need a snack, I’ll get it out and put it on a plate.  Ideally, I’ll sit down, but if I can’t (tonight was a throw-dinner-together night, and I didn’t have a chance during prep to sit down), at least I can eat it off of a plate, which still makes it feel more significant than food I’ve “sneaked.” 

And now, I’m beat.  I’m off to bed.